8 tips for High-Relationships
(sorry this is long in advance, thats just how i roll)
Growing up I never had positive models for what healthy relationships look like- what ive learned about being a couple I’ve largely learned on my own or from doing it the wrong way first.
I got married young, mostly as a way to get out of my home town and the terrible people in it… had a few terrible years… got divorced.
Ive had monogomous relationships and polyamorous ones
And now that ive ironed through most of my own hangups… I find myself married again!
Except this time due to some ineffable divine blessing Im married to my soul mate (truly)
But we still argue! (ugh)
However- my husband has a masters degree in communication and keeps telling me that conflict is a good thing.
How, you may ask?
Well here are some relationship tips I’ve learned over the past two years:
1~ Be your own person. Have a hobby that you do on your own that you can share with your significant other. If you have something to share that makes you happy then your partner will see it and will be more attracted to you. We can call this identity maintenance. When you start dating someone if you stop doing all the things that make you an individual and only do things as a couple youre letting that previous identity slip away (the identity your partner fell in love with)
This is what happens when relationships “lose the magic” as people say
No repetitive act feels magical.
Have new experiences of your own to share with your partner
& Have new experiences as a couple together
that way your relationship will always feel new and exciting.
2~ Total Honesty.
Tell your partner the truth no matter what. Identify your own feelings and share them. A person who cant identify the reasons for their own feelings and make sense of them is not going to be able to be emotionally present for another person.
No communication=no relationship
This includes faking it. Listen ladies, this is for you~ If you fake an orgasm youre cheating yourself out of pleasure, lying to your partner, and lying to yourself. Its not kind, its a step in the wrong direction.
Be honest. be totally transparent about your darkest fantasies, your hopes, your needs- everything. Be the first person to be vulnerable. If you get hurt you get hurt- if it destroys your relationship then that wasnt the right person for you.
Life is full of terrifying opportunities. take them.
fear is the opposite of love.
3~ Have a common goal
Its really important to have common goals and interests. Forcing yourself to do something you hate just to please another person is a recipe for disaster. Forcing another person to do something you know they dont like is selfish and hateful. Have a common interest & keep an open mind.
Try to see why your partner likes something if you dont like it. Maybe taking a new perspective will help you appreciate it more, but if you hate it Dont Do It.
Give yourself and your partner permission to like different things.
4~Be supportive. (as fuck)
Does your partner have a crazy dream- a passion? wants to be a rock star? wants to go get a doctorate? wants to carve birds out of soap and sell them on the side of the road? Support Them!!!! (so long as they not hurting anyone- like…dont support your serial killer boyfriend or anything)
support them or you dont deserve to be with them- heres why:
Life is full of discouraging situations. Chances are if your partner (or you) had a fantastic goal theyve already been shot down by tons of people defending the status quo. We form pair bonds for intimacy.
You cant be intimate with someone you think is judging you.
If you want to be with someone you have to encourage them. (and they you)
5~ Be a bell hop
Everyone has baggage. Some more than others.
If you dont want to or arent ready to hear about childhood abuse, eating disorders, social anxiety, bad health habits, addiction, and mental health issuses then youre not ready to be in a relationship. Everyone has these. Everyone.
I think its something like 1 in 4 people are molested as children. Everyone has baggage.
Theres nothing wrong with being messed up so long and you approach your troubles proactively. I have some serious baggage myself, but Im aware of it and im constantly working on it. I overcome my issues to help my partner carry his & in turn he helps me carry mine.
The best antidote to darkness and grief is to drag it into the light & see it for what it truly is: the need for connection and acceptance.
Accept yourself & your partner for who you are and then work together to be better.
6~ Its okay to have feelings.
Its okay & healthy & natural to get angry. Its okay & its natural to feel like healthy relationships are impossible. We live in a really screwed up world that doesnt give us any mainstream social guidance for how to have healthy realtionships. Were figuring it out- and there are bound to be bumps in the road.
Dont assume the world is doomed because of a misunderstanding (most things are misunderstandings)
Feeling negative emotions does not make you a bad person.
Be up front about it. make “I feel” statements.
ex: “I feel like running away because the house is such a mess”
Identify why it bothers you: when the house is a mess i become paranoid that something terrible will happen. At that point you can take proactive steps to clean up your surrounding and your mindset.
7~ Conflict is an opportunity
Not everyone is prepared to handle conflict. Handle anger first- get yourself to a calmer place however you need to and then respond to conflict with positive statements.
ex: Im furious because I want to connect with you and i love you so damn much and I dont feel like we are.
^seriously how do you argue with that?
many of our arguments have been diffused by statements like this- it doesnt always help, but mostly if does.
there are two kinds of jealousy. The first is the normal kind- the relationship killing kind.
If youre feeling jealous stop what youre doing, sit down with some water, and think about why youre feeling this way (identify those feelings!)
Do you feel threatened? Why?
Has your partner cheated somehow? Everyone has limits. Figure out what yours are in detail. What is and is not acceptable behavior for you? Share that with yourself and your partner and then stick by your guns.
If youre with someone who continually violates your trust then youre with the wrong person. Maintain your autonomy.
Now- theres sex addiction and such too, and ways to work through that- the key to good relating is understand behavior. You cant understand behavior when your mind is fuddled by jealousy.
Now for the second kind of jealousy (the more irritating kind)
sometimes when people arent in touch with their motives or arent connecting well with their partner theyll try to make them jealous.
If your partner or you are engaging in this behavior- it can be really frustrating, but may also be a cry for help. They might be feeling misunderstood or neglected. Find out what it is they need and then provide it.
If that doesnt work consider polyamory. (if youre open to it)
Hear me out!
Biologically were geared to seduction- we dont even realize were doing it. Pheromones & physical attraction are part of the human experience. When a bob is getting attention from one person the second person is more likely to feel attracted to bob too. Its hardwired into your brain- its groupthink. A good mate for one human is probably a good mate for another too- at least to your monkey brain.
Polyamory can be a really rewarding relationship model. Not just the more the merrier- but rather the freedom to be intimate & emotional with whomever you choose, sharing those interactions with your partner and feeling compersion (the opposite of jealousy- happiness for your partner when they enjoy another person)
My husband & I have been polyamourous and monogamous (when it suited us- our feelings fluctuate, but we give ourselves permission to be fluid with it) & Its only ever brought us together. Sure, there have been jealousies (much more jealousies when were monogamous, you may be surprised to hear) but we pull them out into the open and confront them.
My point is this: there are a lot of ways of being together & jealousy happens in all of them. Feeling jealous has more to do with personal insecurity than with other humans.
Feeling jealous? Do something that makes you feel confident & to your partner you will only look beautiful.
So thats my insight.
How do you HEthens do your relationships?
Anyone on here maintaining long term polyamorous love(s)?
What do you do to stay connected?
Thanks everyone for your lovely comments!
I sometimes worry that i come off as too preachy so its really nice to get positive feedback like this. Ive been so blessed in love that i feel the need to share what my experiences have taught me.
If any of you have anything to add to my list feel free!
collaboration for the win :)
glad I can be of service :)
People get used to negative situations and patterns and often times would rather enforce that status quo than take a chance on something new. Especially friends of couples that have recently broken up- People might tell you youre being selfish or whatever other nonsense to try and guilt you into staying in a relationship you dont want to be in. Its happened to me in the past.
But really if youre not getting what you need and youre unhappy staying with that person is unfair to you and to them to preserve the illusion that it could work out.
This may seem trite but I think a lot of finding “the one” is just giving yourself permission to believe the one is out there and opening your heart to the possibilities.
anyway, thanks for the comments!!
@mamacoya, awesome, it took some boundaries away for me, i was most of the time thinking of these things like, what if i or someone has baggage what to do with that, my parents tell me too that i have baggage, but i cant help it so am i supposed to be alone then, it makes no sense, but people tend to judge other people when they have things in their past, peoople dont want to deal with broken wings…
and another thing is the jealousy and polyamour thing, i wonder if that will work, because most people get jealous, how do you bring something like that up without getting a stamp of some kind.
but jealousy is a feeling, just like anger, happiness…. & if someone youre with gets angry or sad you dont automatically end the relationship. Typically you should empathize them! We should address jealousy just like any other temporary emotion. Identify the reasons why you’re feeling jealous- and work through them proactively
Most of the time youll find that jealousy has arisen because of an insecurity of some kind
(the feeling that your partner is “poly” because theyre not interested in you anymore)
(fear of being the “third wheel”)
(fear that your partner will love the other person more)
(fear of inadequacy)
(fear of the unknown)
so basically if you or if your partner is feeling jealous its usually a sign that that person needs some extra emotional support. Feelings arent bad, theyre our brains way of presenting itself in an enviornment to best ensure biological success.
you get a shot of adrenaline when you feel threatened- you get oxytocin when you feel love
these are responses to an enviornmental stimulus. Basically your brains way of alerting your attention to the situation.
So- when we ignore our emotions it stresses our brain (because the problem hasnt been addressed) & these feelings can build up and lead to problems in our relationships.
If you cant communicate you cant have any good relationships polyamorous or otherwise.
In my experience there is more jealousy in monogamous relationships because in monogamy attraction to someone else = distaste with current relationship/desire to leave
whereas in polyamory
attraction to someone else = more love, how can that be bad?
its a paradigm shift
You have to be willing to accept that in this world there are many kinds of love & each one is a blessing.
dont look a gift horse in the mouth.
share affection, open your heart to possibilities.
As for how to bring up polyamory… there are plenty of ways, some better than others-
ill give you the vanilla version first~
So youre going to bring up Poly! Youve decided youre awesome enough to handle the emotional baggage of multiple humans as well as your own without neglecting thier needs or your responsibilities! So now its time to put on the big girl panties.
Bringing up polyamory means getting down dirty and VULNERABLE
thats right, you asked for it.
Before you can expect to make your partner reveal their insecurities and change their world view point blank, you have to show them that youre prepared to help them through any negative feelings that arise from your actions.
This means making yourself humble.
Dont bring up polyamory until youre ready to list all the myriad reasons why you adore your partner to their face. You have to be able to understand the emotional and sexual needs of your partner and then be up front with them about your emotional and sexual needs even if they conflict.
(writing these on paper has worked well for me in the past)
(both people can write them then exchange, perhaps?)
Then you have to be able to negotiate how to make sure all these needs are met for both people
Only then can you consider adding another person
dont just throw in more bodies & minds to a situation hoping that will automatically fix problems.
thats like expecting a external hard drive to get rid of a virus on your lap top
or thinking a blood transfusion will cure your cold
We have to treat the source of conflict, not its symptoms.
Okay, that said- were assuming your communication is already excellent
all you should have to do at this point is tell your partner
Why You Are Atrracted To The Other Person
(make sure you know this yourself before hand- saying “i dunno so-and-so is just so dreamy” probably is asking for trouble)
Usually youll find that this reason is very different from why youre attracted to your current partner
because people are different!
its good to clearly show how you see these two interactions as very different and important to you
that way everyone has a clearly defined role to fulfill and wont feel like their validity in the relationship(s) is being threatened.
Then the fun begins!
You get to ask your current love how they feel! (this is a bonding opportunity!)
If they have any qulms at ALL you rush to their side and assure them that you understand, that you value them, and will do absolutely anything to show them your love BUT that you cant ignore your feelings. You tell them that you were afraid to say anything (because you were) but that you trusted that they would understand you and support you as long as you were honest.
[What I am telling you is to set them up in a position to show you how they can be accepting]
[usually if you show someone you have confidence they CAN be a wonderful person, they will be]
***never compromise your values, and never ask someone to compromise theirs***
at this point youll be able to communicate openly about poly.
If you cant do all this together, maybe one or both of you isnt ready to be polyamorous.
Now you have to ask yourself if youre willing to compromise one love for the sake of another.
Because thats the choice you make when youre monogamous.
Now for the spicy alternative.
I tell you this with some trepidation, but i will share it with you because I think that lust is very underrated in western society, and i dont believe that trusting your body to guide you has to be a negative thing to do.
a disclaimer first: everyone is responsible for their own physical health, dont put yourself in stupid situations. And by no means use this advice to manipulate others, I hereby call down terrible luck in love on anyone who misuses what i am about to say.
I believe that the body is the garden of the soul.
Sexual attraction is a sign to you that the person youre attracted to is important to you in some way. Chances are you have something to learn from this interaction, otherwise it wouldnt be happening.
Everything that happens in life is an opportunity to learn something about yourself & others.
You might even say its your duty as a living being to find the lesson in everything, but thats another discussion.
what the hell do you do with that?
you want your partner to be open to the possibility of polyamory or you wouldnt be reading this.
& you want to EASE into it
because youre horribly terrified that if you just mention it flat out you’ll destroy everything, yes?
Heres what you do
Option One: Tell your partner its your fantasy to have a threesome with them & another person. (assuming everyone is open to it) sex warms the waters of affection. This is because physical contact makes your brain release affection juices. Basically if you touch more you like each other more.
but for the love of god dont get into group sex with people that arent emotionally equipped to deal with it.
Negotiating sex is not for the faint hearted.
Option Two: Encourage them to be sexual with someone outside the relationship other than yourself that they are attracted to.
Thats right- you have to be able to handle that. If you cant, youre being unfair when you ask them to deal with it when you do it.
There is no way to be polyamorous without being honest with yourself
the second youre not clear about your motives and attentive to the motives of others everything will fall apart.
Thats said, theres something to be said for seduction.
I believe that if you allow yourself to do as your body bids you in with an open heart, as long as you maintain a feeling of affection and reverence for the person youre touching
Magic Will Happen
In Your Brains
and you will foster an atmosphere of sacred love.
sidenote: intimacy with multiple people does not have to be awkward. when people feel open to explore their feeling with eachother they settle naturally into the right configurations.
dont think about it.
give yourselves and your partners permission to do what feels right without fear of it jeopardizing the relationship
Thats true Love
(its all you need)
and thats really what were working toward here, isnt it?
Do you want to know my REAL words of wisdom?
poloyamory isnt the end-all be-all, okay? polyamory is a methodology to approach an abstract concept, whether you realize thats what youre seeking or not- its an urge youre feeling- a message from your brain alerting you to a higher awareness
are you ready?
here it is:
There is only One True Love manifesting itself to you in different Forms
and together, you and the entire universe
every love has something important to teach you
every relationship youve ever had is a part of that
mother, father, brother, sister, lover, friend, enemy
these are masks were wearing for each other
to better understand ourselves
The real question you should ask yourself before anything else is
what masks do you wear, with whom, and when?
are you the friend, the lover?
what mirror do you hold up to your partners to reflect back on?
When you adopt this philosophy your life will blossom abundant with love more infinite than you can imagine.
You will meet yourself, truly meet yourself
& truly see you lovers
I hope ive answered your question.
The only thing you can control is your own perceptions.
but like begets like
Thats the beginning of wisdom, the beginning of magic.