Hi lovely HEathens<3
I've made a project list for the spring which is very vital to insuring that I exit this utter absence of personal funds. Funds that I need for surviving, healthy living, and getting myself places I need to go. So far so good. But I feel that I am just not going to be able to keep myself together long enough to be consistent on my own. I just need a little help. At the same time, I don't know what help I may need. The things that usually prevent me are as follows: I'm always so exhausted, I'm always getting caught up in doing something for someone else, I don't have a single dollar to spend on myself other than living/surviving costs, I don't live anywhere near a social anything, no one around me is a creative like myself so no one thinks that what I'm doing is worth very much, I have trouble finding my own work and efforts to be valuable from time to time, also and worst of all, after so much time being repressed I really have a hard time thinking of anything I like. So overall, I lack interest in things. I feel that it's due to being so broke. I can't really let myself be passionate about much since it usually takes money to keep up with interests. So low input. I have internet and I go and watch plenty, but it's so hard to be interested in anything. I think that this apathy is my greatest enemy. Though, in moments of clarity I find myself feeling interested in almost everything but only to a degree. There was a day where I had smoked a bowl before bed and found myself SO into Halo:Legends. I was crying, laughing, and everything in between. It was the best night I've had in a long time. I don't have very many hormones running through my body at all. I believe that it might relate to why I have a hard time deriving any real passion from myself. I've been eating very healthy and working out/jogging forever now. It's just the way I am. But it doesn't do anything for my passion.
I have been opening my energies up and working on opening my third eye. I've achieved much bliss and peace but I just can't manage to achieve genuine passion. It doesn't feel like it's my fault. I've done so much. I've been passionate in the past, but it was so incidental. No matter how fully I throw my efforts into something that I love and believe in it just doesn't work. There's just something that refuses to come to me. Something very stubborn. At the same time, there is something that I feel is right in front of my face that is ready to jump out at me at any moment. I don't know if those 2 things are related.
Day by day it's getting harder to remember what I liked before. I don't believe I ever feel nostalgia for anything. It pisses off some of my friends that I have nothing that does that to me, but it also makes them a little sad lol. I don't feel any adrenaline rush from anything either. I think I've only ever felt anything close to a rush when I was very much in danger of dying. I'm very aware, very awakened, and getting healthier every day. So what is it?
Anyway, at the moment I'm working on a few things. Mainly I'm wanting to do some fan and alt-art to really wet my feet and get me on track for production. I'm doing research on a local group of superheroes whom patrol downtown and have agreed to me doing a series on them. I want to create a universe for them. I believe I'll go the opposite way and give them powers instead of taking them away like in Kick Ass.
So… I'll be posting links here and there of progress and I'll talk about how I'm feeling in relation to my work.
Wish me good luck!
Thank you for that advice ^_^ if I had the money, and the connections I would go to portland or NYC. But I just don’t. So I need to figure out a way of dealing with life here. I know what you mean though. My environment is pretty suppressing. But I’m usually around good, nice, well intentioned people. I swear there must be something else to help me in the meantime.
“Seriously, get rid of your place, find a new place, and spend 100-300 bucks in gas to move all of the stuff you can fit in your car. Sell the rest. You don’t need anything else.”
This. I’m selling all my crap as we speak. Just keepin the clothes, computer, speakers and art. Rest is out the door!
Just geta-heck-outta thar.
Portland sucks though. I woke up in human feces under a bridge there once.
haha. actually I really do have pretty much 0 constantly. As soon as I have it, I need to pay for something I need (i.e. a little food) I have no bank account, I have no car. I have a guitar, I have some books, and I have a laptop. That’s pretty much it. I can’t say I have more than a few clothes either.
Before anyone asks if I have a job, I don’t. I tried for a long time, but art was the thing that worked after 2 years of submitting myself for employment to ANYONE who would employ somebody. I’m doing okay with art. Enough to be alive. But I don’t feel that it’s enough just to be alive. Which is why I’m making these efforts in the first place ^_^ I’m used to not being comfortable. So it’s really not the issue. I just don’t want to try and hike there just to end up dead in a ditch.
Today, I’m doing tons of requests for people in a chat. It helps me practice working quickly and thinking quickly. No time to second guess myself. Do or die.
Sometimes I feel like study/practicing gets in the way of my actual productivity.