Being just friends with someone you love?

Profile photo of Faithflower Faithflower (@peacelove) 5 years, 2 months ago

Is that possible, and would you try to maintain a friendship, or would it lead to trouble later on? Or can you sacrifice yourself for someone by just being friends, and not letting romantic feelings take control. And would you accept a friendship with someone who in fact loves you, or would it feel like taking advantage of someone? With love I mean romantically.

April 21, 2012 at 5:15 am
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Carissa (0) (@playfulpotions) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

You probably already know the answer for yourself, but maintaining a friendship with one who doesn’t return your romantic feelings can turn toxic. For one, you will have a feeling for the person for a long time, and the friendship won’t allow you to grieve unrequited love properly and then move on. That’ll leave some issues. Anyways, if a friend of mind had romantic feelings I would probably remain friendly with them, but not close friends. It’s just dragging that person on a emotional roller coaster. Sort of cruel, don’t you think?

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Anonymous (0) (@) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

this was a abit mindbending topic question? but I understand you have a very moral ethical question mixed with a taste of dilemma. I would not encourage you if we were close friend’s to pursue contact with this person you seem to have genuin feelings but are not sure how long they will be established if they are confirmed to be wrong? it would make it ackward to try recreate your friendly relationship that you value by the reason that you still desire to have contact with him/her…? Go with your gutts and intuition if you’r mind can’t navigate you!

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

Isn’t it weird that no one asks what it’s like to be just friends with someone you hate?

So much relationships and they hate each other’s guts. Emotional people taking it on each other, taking their sexual frustrations on each other. Normal people. Families. Siblings. All idiots.

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Marsha Ryan (0) (@Ryanmk18) 2 years, 9 months ago ago

I believe that “just friends” is a load of crap. I am in the process of trying to be just friends with someone that I like a lot. It is very painful and especially awkward when we talk and hang out because we dated twice.

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Alex Scott (0) (@lionheartbeard) 2 years, 7 months ago ago

I’m struggling with this right now. All of my trusted friends have advised me to take some time for myself, away from her, and letting my mind and heart adjust to the situation.

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sumdumbname (0) (@sumdumbname) 2 years, 5 months ago ago

Of course it is possible. I wish there were more silly blogs online that talked about how to chill out and turn lovers into friends; all I ever seem to come across are schemes on how to do the opposite and stories about tortured “unrequited love” that may be limerence and the same old life coach tips on how to snap out of it and remove that person from one’s life entirely. Anyways, respect people, give them space. Let your feelings cool down and allow them to work in a different way. You may just make an amazing friend. But if you can’t work it out then, well, space. See what happens. Like someone else said earlier different people play different roles in your life. Not every lover is going to be someone that you hold onto forever. Finally not everyone believes that this is possible or is mature enough to handle it so be careful out there.

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nicknick01 (0) (@fwxdnollie13) 2 years, 2 months ago ago

Back in sept 2013 my ex bf broke it off with me for another woman who he cheated on my with . Were together for 4 years. First year in i made a mistake and cheated on him and he eventually got even . Him and the new gir only lasted about a year and the whole time we were still friends and were there for each other. I started to date someone new and move on but the girl and my ex soon broke up and he same thing happened to myself and my current bf. My ex and i really started to hangout afterwards. Id spend the night and cuddle we would occasionally kiss or do more but it was rare. Now im staying with him i have my own room but dont sleep in it i sleep with him everynight . We still label ourselves as just friends but im just confused as to how long this will last or if he sill loves me and wants to be with me again in the future. Honestly ill be his friend forever as long as hes in my life.

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Chocomur (2) (@chocomur) 2 years, 2 months ago ago

Well, in my opinion it is not possible to be with friend person who you love. For me, it would be better if I would stop all contacts with this person, because it is hard to see/be in friendship with person, who you love and he doesn’t feel the same.

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Caitlyn (7) (@CaitlynODell) 2 years, 2 months ago ago

If it was my situation, and I loved someone but had to keep it “just friends” then I think yes, it is possible. And it has to be true. Going further than infatuation, crush, sexual appeal. If you truly love someone, (and this yes, goes beyond looks, we’re talking good and bad sides of their personality here) then in the end you should be able to make that sacrifice. When you love someone, you love all of them, for their mistakes, looking past their imperfections, etc.. Then overall you enjoy being around and spending time with this person right? So it’s worth the sacrifice, putting them over yourself to be able to continue to be around this person. I would accept a friendship with someone who is in love with me. Because in the end, if you don’t feel that way about this person, than you just don’t. Period. And you shouldn’t fake it to make them feel better. That would then be taking advantage and playing with their emotions. And if they truly love you, then they will respect that you want to remain friends.

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soccer03 (0) (@Becks) 2 years ago ago

I fell for a man that took care of me in a dark time.  He is ten years younger and we don’t want the same things in life.  Otherwise, our feelings are mutual.  We decided to not pursue a relationship out of respect for our personal goals and timelines.  I am not sure what to do with him now.  I was drawn to him because of his inner beauty and amazing personality, and I really don’t want to lose his friendship, but I am not sure I can do the friendship path.  I want to get there very badly, and I want him to be happy above all.  This is very recent (a week ago), so I am just hoping I can be happy to have him as a friend.  I don’t know what the proper path is..

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TesQuotes (0) (@TesLeonce) 2 years ago ago

If your willing to go to hell and back , go for it dude. Otherwise, move on with your life.

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lovenotlost (0) (@boogie2008) 2 years ago ago

I’m in this situation where my childhood friend & I started to develop a more serious relationship a year ago as kids we weren’t that close but a year ago we talked until it turned into more ( a relationship ) we fought a lot but I was in it for the long haul ,just 2 days ago he told me that he didn’t want to be in a relationship anymore but wanted to remains friends because the fussing was too much. As much as I wanted to object I knew that it was for the best because sometimes it is better to let go than to hold on when you really love that person & we both agreed that we just needed a break & maybe in time could try it again or just stay good friends. We still text all day but not so much call but I feel like he is the one for me but I need to better myself & mature before we can try again. But I will continue to stay in touch & be friends because even if we don’t work out which I hope that we can work it out & get married & have kids but if he doesn’t feel the same I will remain friends because I can’t see my life wl out him in it. 

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laura (0) (@CINTALAURA) 2 years ago ago

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Anonymous (0) (@) 2 years ago ago

No because it is easily an issue where too much emotion can get involved to the point of pulling each other apart. It might be okay if the goal is to have a serious relationship. Otherwise, it is best to distance yourself

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Definca (1) (@Definca) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

According to Dr. Roy Baumeister,
what makes a man or woman desirable, of course, is a complex and highly
personal mix of many qualities and traits. But falling for someone who
is much more desirable than oneself, whether because of physical beauty
or attributes like charm, intelligence, wit or status, Baumeister calls
this kind of mismatch “prone to find their love unrequited” and that
such relationships are falling upward. According to some psychologists, opposites do attract, but it is not possible to attract those whose moral values are different
Platonic friendships provide a fertile soil for unrequited love’.Thus the object of unrequited love is often a friend or acquaintance,
someone regularly encountered in the workplace, during the course of
work, school or other activities involving large groups of people. This
creates an awkward situation in which the admirer has difficulty in
expressing his/her true feelings, a fear that revelation of feelings
might invite rejection, cause embarrassment or might end all access to the beloved, as a romantic relationship may be inconsistent with the existing association.

Unrequited love has long been depicted as noble, an unselfish and
stoic willingness to accept suffering. Literary and artistic depictions
of unrequited love may depend on assumptions of social distance which
have less relevance in western, democratic societies with relatively
high social mobility, or less rigid codes of sexual fidelity.
Nonetheless, the literary record suggests a degree of euphoria in the
feelings associated with unrequited love, which has the advantage as
well of carrying none of the responsibilities of mutual relationships:
certainly, ‘rejection, apparent or real, may be the catalyst for
inspired literary creation…”the poetry of frustration”‘

Eric Berne
considered that ‘the man who is loved by a woman is lucky indeed, but
the one to be envied is he who loves, however little he gets in return.
How much greater is Dante gazing at Beatrice than Beatrice walking by him in apparent disdain’.

Roman poet Ovid in his Remedia Amoris ‘provides advice on how to overcome inappropriate or unrequited love. The solutions offered include travel, teetotalism, bucolic pursuits and, ironically, avoidance of love poets'<sup id=”cite_ref-15″ class=”reference”></sup>

Dorothy Tennov
(1979) has suggested that the only cure for being in love is to get
indisputable evidence that the target of one’s love is not interested.
in the wake of his real-life experiences with Maud Gonne, in a further twist, W. B. Yeats wrote of those who ‘had read/All I had rhymed of that monstrous thing/Returned and yet unrequited love’. According to Robert B. Pippin, Proust claimed that ‘the only successful (sustainable) love is unrequited love’. According to Pippin, sometimes ‘unrequited love…has been invoked as a figure for the condition of modernity itself’.
All that being said, to find a true love in this universe is a privilege and should be both cherished and pursued.

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Sinchy (0) (@Sinchy) 1 year, 11 months ago ago

My name is Nick, im 17 and i just started working as a lifeguard at my local pool. On the first day i came in, i was trained by a really nice asian girl. She was funny, i found out she was athletic, shes very attractive and also really smart and has an awesome personality. She ended up becoming an interest of mine after our first couple times working together. After 3 weeks of talking and geting to know eachother i finally got the balls to ask her out and she said yes. After about a week i noticed that nothing was really any different. I wasn’t expecting things to move too quickly and obviously in a work enviorment you need to be proffessional but she was acting the same as when we were friends. So i shoot her a text basically saying, “hey i really like you, but how do you feel about me?”. She responds with “im sorry but ive been thinking and i dont think we should be in a relationship, i said yes because i didn’t want to hurt you.” O and heres the best part. Her reason, “i don’t think we are compatible”. That made me mad because me and her both know thats bullshit. Im still not over her and she still wants to be friends. I really like her alot and everytime i see her i almost want to cry. What should i do?

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Sylvan832 (0) (@Sylvan832) 2 years, 11 months ago ago

Good point

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Andy (2) (@pirates) 2 years, 10 months ago ago

wow… I have just had a very similar experience with a lady who is a psychologist as well ironically, and you are right, I’m am not sure I could only be friends, it would destroy me….

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embracingtheinsanity (0) (@embracingtheinsanity) 2 years, 1 month ago ago

I appreciate your perspective a lot…I think that you have to have a boundary and understanding of what “category” that person exists in. As long as you are open about your friendship with your lover and they can be comfortable with that I see no issues with it. The main idea here is that you should not toy with anyone’s feelings to cause intentional hurt and it takes a lot of emotional intelligence to maintain that balance.

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embracingtheinsanity (0) (@embracingtheinsanity) 2 years, 1 month ago ago

Was it a constant effort to change your perspective or did it evolve eventually? Have you found someone new to date and did that affect your relationship with your ex lover/now friend?

I am in lust with someone who has a long term commitment to a career that is very honorable, and unfortunately would not allow us to be together for a very long time. Our relationship could not advance to love because of this short time span we were intimately together, but I am so “in love” with so many of the qualities about him. That said, he believes I deserve someone to be there for me to give me 100% of their effort and because of his commitment he cannot do that. It’s honestly the truth which is why I am so conflicted by it because he has shown great respect for both of us to not set us up to fail. I am in the position now where I can only really be friends with him. I don’t want to lose our friendship, but it is going to take some time to work on a transition. I guess I will just have to see how it works. I am sure that eventually someone else will come along and I’m not sure how that will affect me even if I try to clearly put him in the “friend” category.

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embracingtheinsanity (0) (@embracingtheinsanity) 2 years, 1 month ago ago

Agreed. The last point you made is so important because a relationship is not just sex. Thanks for the reminder of the difference. This will help me explain it to my close friend who I’ve been intimate with.

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embracingtheinsanity (0) (@embracingtheinsanity) 2 years, 1 month ago ago

WOW, Montu! You really said it perfectly. Are you getting at having the foundational respect required for any relationship? Bc to me that is absolutely what is at the core of the relationship that I am in the process of accepting as only a friendship. It is hard for me to let go of what could have been but I respect what he wants to do with his life and understand that it is just not possible!

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embracingtheinsanity (0) (@embracingtheinsanity) 2 years, 1 month ago ago

OMG This is so me…except I am not to the 4-5 year mark. I just got out of the relationship before it could ever really amount to anything due to timing/distance incompatibility. Thank you for helping me see that there is hope that it can work out.

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embracingtheinsanity (0) (@embracingtheinsanity) 2 years, 1 month ago ago

I agree with you all. So refreshing to see that people can learn to accept us just as we are. We are not meant to keep in touch with everyone and sometimes other people come along when you are paying attention to the world around you so it is ok to drift from your ex partners if they do not want that same relationship. I always say the universe will have its way with us if we are paying attention.

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keyvin joseph (0) (@keyvin) 1 year, 12 months ago ago

Yea I like your  suggest  can u help me am in love  with  a girl she’s everything  I desired she send me pic with her truth Bluetooth we talk regularly  smh laugh and conversate she runs truth my fone I have to tell who calls me and them thing but what I don’t understand  she says she wanna be friends  U seem like a girl that can help me I jus wanna know  wat to do in that situation

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