I Am Afraid
I am not afraid of being misunderstood. And I am not afraid of being myself, I’ve been myself my whole life. And cannot feel fear when I sense an upcoming storm that’s potentially bad for me – not a shady stare, and not a self-satisfied glimpse. I am not afraid of trying something new, unless I don’t believe it is true. And I am not afraid of being judged. Whatever it is, I can hardly budge.
I don’t care about nature or gods. And I don’t feel bad about people’s frowns and anger on the streets. But most of all, I am not afraid of imagining their heartbeats, filled with nothing except the expression of their previous deeds. And I am not afraid to die. I’ve died too many times before. Broken hearts, illnesses and the loss of my needs and even more.
I don’t care for the sky or the beauty in it. When I daydream,
I don’t even think about my well-being.
I look at a tree and try count the leaves. And that’s how I see the beauty in me.
I am not afraid of existing just for a little while, I am afraid that after all this, I may not smile.
The only thing I’m afraid of.
You fear the abyss!
You fear fear.
The only thing you can truly fear. Is fear itself. Kennedy couldn’t have been more correct.
@Sasho Stoyanov, Damn! And thank you! :) Dude everything you said is so awesome! You sound though as if it matters what you care and don’t care about. It doesn’t matter if you’re not into nature or gods. You decide what matters.. and that will define your life (and no life is more important than another). What stood out to me is that counting the leaves is how you saw the beauty. It’s different for everybody, but so long as you can feel that one way or another… as long as you can feel what you’re made of, that’s awesome. You’re very funny Sasho :) There’s no reason not to smile ;)
I want to laugh and smile after all this. I’ll see jokes where there are none, and hopefully the universe will laugh along to save my face.
@aaron, I loved your response.
@alexa, I’ve got nothing to say to you.
@anniec, Stop fucking labeling. I would prefer to sit on a fence with a friend of mine, than believing in distractions, which eventually become illusionary hopes and obsessions.
@em, Thank you. :)
@ijesuschrist, You are right.
@elisetheastronaut, You wish you were as crazy as me.
@kyle, I don’t find it awesome. Without paying attention to HE, I’d be circling around the idea of what is like being myself and why I always listen to the “confident” people lacking competence like everyone in the fucking world. I did not describe myself. I described everyone I ever met.
You all suck. :) http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=8PZWGGkrMCk
@Sasho Stoyanov, did you love it as in you pushed that little heart button or as in you considered it deeply and actually had emotional thoughts?
Also, saying you have nothing to say to someone is saying something. Felt that needed to be said, obvious though it may be. Kinda funny though. Did you mean that as a joke? Be honest
This is every time I go vulnerable. When I wrote this post, I cried… then I got into a lot of fights. Then, read again what I posted… to see what the fuck have I done and why am I sharing so much about me like people have no lives….
I am talking with Alexa on regular basis. That’s why I said that I have nothing to say to her. So she could hate me for this as much as she wants to, but privately. :) So you’re basically right.
I have seen the two extremes that people go into and now I try to share it, even if it fucking kills me. So there you go, we’re either running away from the worries and convictions of other people, or we try to “solve” their problems. This is considered normal… I don’t find these methods efficient. I’d rather sound like a crazy bastard, than complain about everything and “search” for answers from other people.
And I still have a lot of people breathing down my neck and just trying to approach me with indirect “listen to me, please, you know me”.
Also, I’ve been making music for 10 years. A lot of trance mind-states and ecstatic periods of time. :)
Now, I haven’t ate anything for the last… 4 and a half days. Present moment? Wooo… Thinking about the present moment all the time makes me vomit, I’d rather predict the future or something. Listen to old songs that I like, like I am listening to them for the first time. When meeting someone, getting excited about what’s next. Because our minds are incredible. Really… annoying at times, but that’s how we learn to forgive – not to ignore, ignorance is a fucking process that leads to conversations about it. I want to share a lot more, but I am already speaking too much and I am in trouble again, so
@Sasho Stoyanov,” I must not fear. Fear is the mind-killer. Fear is the little-death that brings total obliteration. I will face my fear. I will permit it to pass over me and through me. And when it has gone past I will turn the inner eye to see its path. Where the fear has gone there will be nothing. Only I will remain.”
I will be extremely impressed if anyone can tell me where this is from.
You are such a delightful poet.
I would like to personally apologise to humanity if I fall into the category of “little helper people who just want to help complaining people fix their lives”. lol.
Sometimes, I think I have a problem.
@Sasho, Whenever I read something you post, it’s like I’m trying to read Chinese. Keep in mind I can’t understand Chinese at all. It’s like we’re speaking a different language. I’m in such a positive reality that I can’t even begin to comprehend what you’re trying to say. It’s very strange.
I’m not saying that’s a bad thing. It’s just something I continually take notice of.