I’ve had this happen in almost all my relationships, I don’t know if its just me, but I tend to respect people’s privacy unless there is something you think is going on behind your back. But what happens when you give the person nothing to worry about and they still look over and over again??
I’m going to do the old devil’s advocate thing on this one.
Playing the privacy card is definitely valid…to a point. There is a lot of privacy that needs to be sacrificed in a relationship. If you’ve got nothing to hide, why does it bug you? (yep, I went there). Seems to me a phone is a pretty valid place to investigate any suspicions one has about a partner. Hey, if I think you’re up to something….me violating your privacy isn’t nearly as bad as you violating my trust in you.
So, before I get flamed I’ll speak my personal (actual) thoughts.
I think you may be doing something that concerns him that YOU don’t think is cause for concern. If you give him no reason to worry I wonder why he does it. Have you asked him honestly if you’ve done anything that worries him? If not, I’d do it and see what the underlying cause is. If he has never found anything a tidbit juicy, I’d imagine he’d stop at some point.
If he doesn’t, and refuses to acquiesce to your wishes, play hardball and password that beast up.
@ allie: TOTALLY agee
@ Adam: good advice!
@ Stephanie: I try and stay away from people who get really controlling and snoopy like that. I’ve had to come to terms with my own jealousy and suspicion multiple times, and I’ve finally come to the understanding that I can’t control the other person no matter how I might want to or think I can. It’s a much more peaceful existence, especially in a relationship, and ultimately it makes for better intimacy and connection. If you find yourself in relationships with people who haven’t come to this realization, then they probably aren’t worth your time. People in relationships are still individuals and still need their privacy and space from one another. Violations of that privacy and space don’t lead to any good.
*gives Adam his well deserved props*
You said it perfectly, sunshine. :)
Why do I feel like the only woman who agrees that transparency is crucial to a relationship? I mean, if you have things to hide at all, then there are problems that need to be addressed. and if your boyfriend is worried about something, and he feels like he has to snoop around, there are problems that need to be addressed. Sounds to me like a long, seriously genuine and open heart to heart is called for.
Its not that I have anything to hide, its just that he believes that he’s not giving me the intimacy I deserve in the bedroom which is true, but he knows it and doesnt do anything about it. So thats why his mind is more focused on me being with someone else rather than giving me the intimacy two people should have in the bedroom. But recently we spoke about it and are trying our best to work things out in that area but no matter what I think he will always be insecure and look through my phone, thats the way he was from the beginning.
I had this problem with an ex-girlfriend, I would walk in on her looking in my phone, when confronted she would just say that she need a contact info for my mother, brother etc. Well one day i was talking to my brother about how she always some how deleting contacts from her phone and needing to go back and get them from mine, and i asked him if she had gotten a hold of him since this time she was looking for his contact info. With surprise he mention that he has not spoken to her since the last time they planed my b-day party. So the trickster that I am hatched a plan. I downloaded this app that allows me to edit the call history on my android phone and I added her mothers contact a couple of times in the history every day for weeks. She would ask me random question about her mother and she would mention she had a feeling that her mother was trying to get a hold of her. I reply with honey you know if she really was trying to get a hold of you she has BOTH of our mobile numbers. I sure she would have called one of us. So this went on for a bit and i started to add more frequently her mother would call me on the call history. So one day while i was showering she burst in and demanded to know why her mother was calling me at least once an hour every day. I get out of the shower in a calm manor and tell her sweetie i been meaning to talk to you about that. Let me get dress and we need to talk. So i get ready shave and what not to prolong the talk, getting her all worried that i coming clean about something. So when i do have the talk I ask her to sit down and I ask her what do you think is going on. She comes up with an ideal that I an having a relationship of sort with her mother, I ask her have you asked your mother about this. She mention that she wanted to hear it from me first, which was a relief for me, I wouldn’t want to have to explain this to her mother. I came clean to what i did and I told her that it was cause she didn’t respect my personal belongs or me. That she had no trust in me and that she felt she had to go behind my back to look at it. I told her that I have nothing to hide and if you wanted to see it i would have gladly gave you my phone. Till this day we still laugh about it and according to her in her new relationships she does not do this any more.
that must be annoying … dont wanna be cruel and stuff but if she keeps on doing it after you have conforted her ( if it was me , i would break up with her , i mean seriously , that most likely means that she doesn’t trust you , or she’s not been thought well manners ) as i said before , it mean she might not trust you , which is probably the base of a relationship … if there is no trust , there can hardly be a good relationship
Get rid of your cellphone and go back to the old can and string method for communication.
and about the cell phone.. i say be open i dont care if you were looking through my cellphone..and your sayin who’s this…thats my friend or whatever..first you shouldnt be doin wrong..second if you aint..then its ok..calm their suspicion’s with your understanding..and it is ok we alll weak so if yuou or they do stray i dont know forgive be forgiven whatever..
and we get confused with love, lust alone whatever…first i love some of you alot because we have a deep understanding of eachother by readin eachothers thoughts..and love is a deep thing with complex layers..help me out here im a stupid farm boy..and cant express
and what is the conflict inbetween trust and undedrstanding..see within the relm of understaning conflict doesnt exist..in the relm of conflict much understanding is lacking..any thoghts..maybe im just fucking stupid…….i break it up if i see someone wrote a bunch i cant force myself to read it..esspecially if i cant understand it..love you all, search to find happiness..
My current relationship has been the first i’ve said to myself ‘i am going to give my whole self to this woman’, complete honesty about how i feel and who i am, even if it might be awkward or flows against societies expectations. 100% venerability. The result has been the most amazing intimate experience with complete mutual respect. It may not have turned out that way but in order to have a chance at experiencing the potential of a relationship to its full i think it is essential to prepare yourself for complete trust.