So im posting this to this forum because you guys are one of the most open minded mediums I know of, and I do think I could use more ridiculing of my circumstances at this point, by the average internet user. I know it’s pretty long, but I could really use some insight…
This really didn’t turn out like I had planned, but I saw a theme, and stuck with it. I’ve be struggling for a good number of years with all these topics in varying degrees. I have so many different aspects of my life that are affecting me all at once, and I find it hard to put down in simple words. So I’ll basically talk on the major topics, then maybe interweave them on how they are affecting me. IDK.
- I feel so numb, 95% of the time, I’m just reacting to the stimulus of life’s events rather than causing actions. It’s taken me weeks to finally sit down and write this out. I have no energy, at all. I’m a big tall guy, but I seem to struggle with more simple tasks needing energy. Like my arms will get tired pretty quickly if they’re above my head working with some tools. I know that’s a physical thing I can fix, but it’s also the mental fatigue that’s draining me.
- I have been drinking, by myself, for years now. It’s been usually 2, maybe 3 pretty strong beers a night, 5-6 nights a week. Sometimes I’ll leave and go get more, and that’s not safe at all. I’ve been doing slightly better lately, but still, I haven’t gone longer than 3-4 days without a drink in about 6 years atleast. There were periods were I would combine with pain pills or aya or DMT and that got pretty crazy for me.
- I have become a hermit pretty badly. I have only one friend that I hang with outside of work, and that’s mainly to just get hammered, which really doesn’t help with the above topic at all. I haven’t had a partner in 3 years and haven’t gotten laid in just about that long lol. Maybe that’s all it is, I just need to get laid lol. But no friends, no girlfriends, mainly go out in town on my own or stay inside and do research on all these concepts that are fucking with me
- There’s what quite literally feels like a fog inside my head. I have to fight through my thoughts, struggle to pull up memories of previous events that were quite recent. I’m actually having a hard time writing this as my thoughts keep slipping away.
- Reality looks distinctly different than it did years ago, but I have no idea how. A cup looks like a cup, but it looks different in tone/lighting/sharpness. This
- I stammer a lot, I say words that are related to but not the words I’m trying to say. I can’t recall an exact experience right now, real surprising, but I could just drop a word, add a random word, or switch the inner words with each other in smaller sentences.
- I have become increasingly paranoid, just random thoughts that really make no sense logically. Like I know that mini drones are becoming a thing, that they can get pretty small now. So I’ll see a butterfly that seems to stick pretty close for a bit too long, and I’ll think that it must be spying on me. I’ll laugh at the idea, but I legit thought that for a couple secs. Or that my friend that is real good with computers has installed programs in my computer to track my movements. I feel that now, as I’m typing thins actually.
- Been getting delusional also. Basically, it seems like music narrates my life in a sense, that there’s a “person” speaking to me from another dimension/reality/ect. Also, I get the general sense that I’m the only one alive/this life is all in my head/I’m god? So I get this feeling this world is mine, only I put myself in the average joes position? I created this world to escape ??? and this other person is calling me back/berating me/telling me they forgive me/hate me. Also music seems to be a way for me to hear verbally what is happening to me subconsciously? BUT BUT I’m not fully into these thoughts, they just seem to be reoccurring thoughts that I can’t seem to dispel with logic. But it does seem like every new song I hear adds to the story, reminds me what I actually am. This is really hard to explain overall. I know it seems like a mental illness, which I could be 100% my family has major mental issues, but it seems like I have too much outside insight into this, I’m logical and able to pick apart my own reasoning, but I do have to admit something strange is going on here…
- Again with the paranoia, I see so many connections with the outside world. I have done a lot of research on marketing methods, so I understand the meaning of the colors of the text, the hidden messages the marketers are selling. I see the chemtrails in the sky and wonder why the world isn’t losing its goddamn mind over them. The education system seems to just mass produce lower intelligent people than they are capable of. The chemicals in the food/water. The media/movies/shows/social networks seem to just be one big system to milk the masses energy while keeping select people in power. ECT ECT I can imagine you get the idea by now.
- I seem to see visual “snow” in lower lighting, like the static in tv, overlaid with my vison, especially when I’m drunk. When I close my eyes in a lighted room, I see basically closed-eye-visuals, but not extreme. So I’m not seeing what I think reality should look like in the first place normally, then I close my eyes and I see all kinds of shapes, then when I open my eyes, the visual snow is really pronounced. Also, the snow/visual distortions seem to become stronger after I eat?
- Then there’s all those concepts of how reality is/can be. That we could all be simulations/ matter is empty/ external world is simply waves of energy/ parallel universes/lives / afterlife/no afterlife / flat-earth and all its implications or round earth with us in an infinite void of darkness. ECT ECT but all these thoughts are running through my head constantly. I seem to learn a new concept, get it into my head how it can be, then the world seems to take on that “filter” of life. Like I’ll be in a room and think everyone is just a computer simulation and fake, including me. Or that all matter is empty, so everything has no substance and I’m just feeling it in my brains pathways. I know people get these mind trips in their heads where they think like this, but mine never go away, and interchange frequently, so I can’t get used to it.
- I have very vivid dreams, every night, without exception. They take on all kinds of scenarios and are infinitely more exciting than real life. I know this is hardly a new concept, but it really messes with my head in the morning, that I want to go back to that world, not to face this one. Then with above, how do I know that I didn’t just leave another universe/reality??
- I feel like I’m pretty intelligent, but I can never seem to express myself. Because of the other mentioned reasons, I find myself just stopping short of explaining myself outright, so people seem to think less of me. I feel like I’ve given some good examples that my life isn’t one of a simple tv junkie that swims in drama. I’m in college, and at the top of my classes, but I can’t seem to relate to anyone. I’m not vain, thinking I’m the only one that thinks of these more difficult concepts, but still, all I hear is people talking about sports/news/tv shows/ what new fast-food thing they’ll try today ect. I just seem to be more concerned with the world, not just other people’s business or any distractions of modern life.
- But it’s not all negative in my life. I do enjoy the concepts that life could be so much more than it is, that I can change when I find myself able to. I still have all my close family members, I’m not a felon/in jail. Not physically disabled, im on my own in life(house car job career path). Im alive, and that in itself is fascinating.
So basically, im constantly questioning my surroundings, the subject of reality, and my thoughts morph into weird directions. I have no friends, I drink too much, and am delusional/paranoid. I see weird visual stuff regardless of if my eyes are open or closed and feel the government is f’in over everyone in a perverse way. Music talks to me, tries to convince me to do this, or that, usually sign up with the devil or “give up/sign out” on life. Im numb, physically/mentally fatigued and speak straight.
All these, plus more topics, are combined and mess with me everyday of my life. I don’t think im really that bad off, theres definitely people that deal with more, with a smile, but I cant face this much more.
I…I hadn’t really realized how fucked up I am. I’m really lost guys.
Any help would be great, I completely understand that this post is all over the place, and it would be hard to respond, but anything would help. Links/book titles/ mental resources/personal experiences, ect
I just don’t know who I am and where I stand at this point, honestly.
OK here’s my 2 cents worth, stop getting smashed, beer messes with the mind more than you would realise. If you’re aware of other dimensions of existence and feel things deeply then most booze will mess with you on so many levels…….you’re essentially pumping your body with gender bending hormones and other nasty chemicals….worth considering that green may be treated with pesticides as well.
So clean up, treat your body as a temple and then you’ll find you have better and more stable access to other dimensions, more in touch with the universe, more emotional stability, and as a bonus, other people on your new wave length will find you…..
Oh yes, if you have any toxic people hanging around that you can’t help or screw things up for you then drop ’em
So a quick update from my depressing ass post…
Yea, i’ve given up drinking for now. I’m actually gonna be a week sober tomorrow, which is a record for me. Go me!…Also doing the NoFap thing, and i seem to have more energy/mana? And have been doing intermediate fasting, only eating once a day. Between these improvments, i’ve been more level, feel pretty good now.
How do i keep up this progress? I seem to get on the right track for a little bit, then i fall off pretty bad and it takes a while to get flowing again.
So i ordered “Clitep”, which is supposed be a all natural nootropic stack of heathy materials. Anyone have experience with these? They seem to help with mental concentration and stability.
I’ve experienced literally all those symptoms, in very close detailed similarity.
It’s burnout. Your mind is straining and unable to relax. You’re depressed and hyper at the same time, cognitive dissonance takes a toll on your sanity, body and moods.
Meditation, exercise and sex help a lot. They won’t take you all the way, but they’ll give you the momentum and effect over time as you come to your senses. Isolation isn’t good for you.
I really recognize these symptoms and can relate. I know your struggle, and I’ve conquered it. Shoot me a pm if you want to talk about it more.
Wow! I can relate to so many things you wrote, if there is any consolation on “you are not alone”. Good diet, physical activity, and meditation is all I can think for my particular case. Above all live in the now, which is difficult if you have been program with constant fear of the future since a kid, like in my case.