It takes a lot of finesse to try and find out if another person shares feelings for you and you don’t want them to find out about yours. Well, it’s okay if the person has a hint of what you’re feelings are, but the person may not necessarily be open to exploring it, that’s what makes it especially difficult. The standard advice is "why don’t you just ask?" or "tell her how you feel", but not everyone is comfortable with exposing themselves in that vulnerable position and risk being hurt or rejected.
What I’m looking for are success stories, and even some failures, at how you’ve tried to communicate your feelings and desires to a person you admire from afar or up close. Sometimes people have a way of not noticing advances being made towards them, or just can’t really take a hint. I’ve run out of things to do, and I’m wondering if flat disclosure is the only thing left.
If you hide your feelings, you encourage others to do the same.
If you ignore your feelings, you encourage others to do the same.
If you are afraid of being rejected, you encourage others to be the same way.
If you hesitate, you encourage others to do the same.
If you stay in your ego homeostasis comfort zone, you encourage others to do the same.
If you face your irrational limiting fears, you encourage others to do the same.
If you’re open about your feelings, you encourage others to be the same way. And you inspire feelings in them.
Monkey see, monkey do, and nobody falls for a coward.
I’ve spontaneously asked her out on lunch dates and have either gotten no response (texting), or a gentle denial (had someplace else to be) -__-
So its not like I’m totally closed up and ruminating or anything. I don’t believe she’s dense enough to not see my interest in her, but she sure acts nonchalant about it. People from afar can see there’s something going on, but if I’m misreading things and there isn’t anything there, it makes things even more uncomfortable for both of us seeing as how we’re both working in the same organization.
I know what it boils down to is “just tell her already”, but like I said, I need some examples because I’ve never really been in a situation where I’m that unsure about someone’s feelings and been uncomfortable with it.
If you’ve made several overtures and she’s always mysteriously been busy, then I would assume that she is turning you down.
You said she wasn’t dense, so I would assume she’s just deflecting you and hoping you will lose interest.
It might not be personal; you said you work for the same organization. A lot of people don’t like to date where they work.
This is exactly my problem, I haven’t had the opportunity to really examine if there is any interest because we always seem to be around others. The only time I’m with her alone is when I’m walking her to the bus stop (which she seems to like) but that’s not really an appropriate time for anything but small talk.
But maybe she is hoping my interest fades, but I feel I at least need to try and see if I can make a proper disclosure about what I feel. I think that’s what I’ll try to work on now.
She is willing to let you walk her to the bus stop. I would be surprised if you she has not caught on.
The best way to tell is when you are around others. If she laughs at things you say when others don’t, you’re in.
Also, try to pay attention to who she looks at most often. Notice i didn’t say for the most amount of time, because everyone learned in grade school not to stare at someone you like, so she will likely focus on someone else. Frequent glances are what you are looking for.
All my success stories are when I barge in and say “Me Tarzan, you Jane! Lets be together”. Every single time Ive waited it out, or slowly approached my pray, no luck :p It might have something to do with how interested I am. When Im certain I like a person, I go in. If im merely interested in finding out if a person is something Id like, then Im playing it slow. Mostly because I dont want to give of the wrong signals and either make it akward, or worst of all, hurt someones feelings.
So if you know, go!
Other than that, deep stares are a good. Can you eyelock her over a distance, and just share what seems an eternity in one long hightension stare? Then you know you got something :)
I’ve had the same problem… the worst thing is when you have a great relationship… but then you tell her how you feel and if she doesn’t feel the same way then things become awkward.. and the great relationship you had vanishes… I think that is the main fear we have when thinking about telling someone how we feel… We don’t want to lose the little we already have…
People say more than they think they say. :) If you love something – leave it the fuck alone. I’m emphasizing on IT.
What’s her level of freaking out when someone tells her something like this ?
What’s your level of embarrassment if you tell her, depending if you don’t tell her?
What exactly will you win if you want more than a friend-zone relationship and isn’t it all just an imaginary obsession including sexual fantasies ?
Is she a dirty and a perversive romantic or is she a quiet self-righteous cow ?
I realized these truths once I got tired of sex and gave myself a break.
Until recently, I’ve been trying to woo a young woman I know. While I was in love with her, she recently made it clear that she doesn’t feel that way about me. I’m pretty sure I was being creepy talking to her about how much I loved her and all. I’m glad I found out, but it still hurts being shot down.
I’m going to try and find an opportunity to talk to her alone, its not going to be easy as she is somewhat of an escapist, understandably so because she’s got a lot of responsibilities. I don’t know what I’m going to say, a lot of it will have to do with some of the vibes I’ve gotten from her, some have been a little suggestive, others very friend-zonish which outnumber the suggestive ones. It’s going to be clumsy, awkward, and maybe even foolish, but I’ve got to try something. I just hope I find the right situation and wave of confidence before its too late.
Hehe Sean i made same mistake, was chasing girl who was not realy into me but was just nice to me, but i kind of thought she likes me so i asked her out and texted her sometimes , then one day i came back to “earth” when i saw she choosed in relationship at facebook with some other dude, god i felt like stupid for some time after that, but now im just laughing about it .
Hey Tony, are you still friends with that girl? These recent developments are definitely leading to some bitterness on my part, but I’m going to be a man about this and stay friends with her.
just putting a girls perspective in here, usually i find when getting to know someone, romantic feelings for them just naturally progress. they show a little sign, you show a little sign (if interested) and you keep doing that till its blindingly obvious that you both feel the same way, and then it naturally just (without sounding cliched) ‘falls into place’. sometimes, a seemingly random expression of feelings may just be the push she needs to realise shes not that into you.
especially if she’s already said no a couple of times to suggestions of seeing her outside your routine walk to the bus stop, you might want to give it a little more time or give it a little more thought before you just straight out tell her how you feel.
one thing i always think to myself is is that if they’re interested, they’ll make the time/effort to talk to you/see you. its fine if she’s busy once because she might be into that bullshit playing hard to get thing – but if she quite regularly declines, you may need to re-evaluate, it’s not a nice feeling being shot down in any scenario, especially when it comes to relationships/romance.
i disagree with manimal making the sweeping statement ‘thats what women like you know.’ – definitely not always the case! completely circumstancial and differs with each woman, but i hope things work out well for you :)
tdgarim, that is exactly what I was hoping would happen, that things would naturally progress to the point where I could get close enough to express what I feel. But I’m wondering now if I missed that chance, and other friends around us (girls) have commented to me how they’ve been waiting for something to happen between us, although they did not have any insight into her possible interest in me, so I shrugged it off when they asked me if I like her. I wonder if that part of me also alienated her to the point where she stopped expecting me to be forward about it, which explains why she puts on the nonchalant front now.
I’m not going to see her for a couple of weeks, but right now I feel like I’m going to try and get some alone time with her to disclose my feelings. I think she at least deserves to know what I think of her, because as far as I know she’s not an active dater so its possible not many guys have had the chance to tell her how great she is, and I’m in probably in the best position to do so. If she doesn’t share the same feelings then I’ll just have to be tough and move on.