Greetings from India!!! I really liked this site after stumbling on it few times and now I am a member.
I really really need your help!!! I dont know what to do with my life. I dont have any guardians, my siblings are busy with their own lives. my mother is very innocent but is very smart and she has been through hell while raising us. my father is in china.
While growing up, my parents use to fight a lot. I am talking about bruises and blood on the furniture. At one time, me and my siblings were playing with the kids from our colony, when we heard loud screaming coming down from our house. everyone froze and stared at us. we had to run and stop the fight. yeah, it is painful to even think about it all these years.
anyways, my bro turned out to be an asshole just like my father. he use to hit me whenever we use to fight. he is just like a gossipy old lady. he would butt in in any conversation/arguments that i am having with my mom. if i close the door then he would listen to our conversation by standing outside the door. he is the biggest chutiya ever!!!!
Our father really love us. He has been living in China for the past 6-7 years now. He only comes back to renew his visa. I havent seen him for 2-3 years now. He knows about my brother.
I am innocent just like my mother. I have a love-hate relation with my sister. We fight just like any sisters fight. She once told our mother that I smoke weed in a fit of rage. I dont do things like that to her so I was hurt.
I moved out of our house while my mother was sleeping becoz my brother hit me again. It was a big step becoz in India, kids dont move out after they turn 18 just like you guys do in US. I have moved out many times before and always come back after a week or so but not this time.
I have been living away from my family for over an year now. I am happy and I dont react the way I use to react earlier. I guess I needed a different environment. But I havent found my calling.
I have interests though but they are just gathering dust. I want to learn bass guitar but dont have the motivation for it. I get it sometimes. I practice for few days and then I forget about it. I want to learn digital painting but my wacom tablet is sitting somewhere in my closet. I want to learn electronics and work with arduino but its packed in a box. I want to extract DMT but the grinder/blender hasnt been unpacked yet. Its sitting on the top of the almirah.
Please tell me what to do. I attempted suicide once. But I guess God wanted me to suffer more. I am contemplating suicide again. My sis and bro are in a good job earning handsomely. I work in a soul crushing job with less pay and I cry at work thinking “What the fuck am I doing here?”
What should I do? Do people with good hearts or innocent suffer like this?
“Please tell me what to do. I attempted suicide once. But I guess God wanted me to suffer more. I am contemplating suicide again.”
Remember something, wisdom comes through suffering. That is the absolute truth and suicide solves nothing. Life is a gift and from what I know we only get one, please don’t waste it.
“I have interests though but they are just gathering dust. I want to learn bass guitar but dont have the motivation for it. I get it sometimes. I practice for few days and then I forget about it. I want to learn digital painting but my wacom tablet is sitting somewhere in my closet. I want to learn electronics and work with arduino but its packed in a box. I want to extract DMT but the grinder/blender hasnt been unpacked yet. Its sitting on the top of the almirah.”
Have you ever thought that your energy is focused on the wrong things? Don’t get me wrong DMT is an amazing and enlightening experience and music is a wonderful outlet but what are some of your other aspirations? What are your dreams? Where do you want to be in 10 years?
I know I don’t know you but I really would like to help if I can, I value all human life and I really don’t want you to do anything stupid. If you feel more comfortable you can send me a message in private. I really hope you respond.
@cadeus333, Thank you for replying to my post.
My dream is to be a musician. When I was 15, I asked my father for guitar lessons. He said “DO YOU KNOW WHAT HAPPENS TO GIRLS WHO GET INTO ROCK MUSIC? THEY DO DRUGS OR SLEEP AROUND!!!!!” I dont blame him. I guess he was just trying to protect me.
I always see myself being on stage with my bass guitar. Being featured in magazines. Fans.
I just can’t make myself feel motivated.
I was reading a post from @bradgold “Are You Feeling Behind? Need a push? Rant” and I guess I really really need to push myself so that I can make it a habit of finishing everything on time.
I was in a similar rut in my life where I didn’t know what to do and was lethargic. I think some major influences that changed that were surrounding myself with a positive environment (I frequently stumbled on ‘self improvement’) and believing I could do anything I wanted. I admitted I had some bad habits, and slowly detached from them. It was a long hike, but I eventually made it to the top of the mountain so to say.
I am in college now and decided to pursue a career in science because it interests me and is known to be an efficient way to financially support myself. Financial support is very important, but not everything there is to life though.
I learned to play guitar and piano to tap into my artistic and expressive side. All I have to say is DO IT. When I was fist starting, I had the mentality that I may suck now, but hopefully in a year or two I’d be decent. There is plenty of sources on the internet for you to learn. I advise a private instructor whenever you get the opportunity.
There’s lots to learn in life. Although you may feel lost, I am excited for the revelations you are soon to have about your aspirations in life. Best of luck to you. Remember, you can do ANYTHING you want.
@absinthefairy, That is quite funny. When I was a few years younger I had the same dream, it certainly is an appealing one. For me it was just that, a dream that turned into a nightmare. I followed it to the best of my ability, I joined a band, I played many live shows and I even had a couple of fans lol. Unfortunately I fell victim to the very things that your father warned you about, alcohol, drugs, sex, addiction, ect. I honestly thought that these were the things musicians were supposed to do.
It was a lot of fun, for a while. After a few years I found myself sitting in my garage alone while there was a huge house party going on inside. At that moment I had what I can only describe as a spiritual experience. I realized that I was empty, there was a gaping hole inside of me and something had to change or I was going to die or eventually commit suicide.
I won’t go into all the details but I acted on the feeling I had that night, almost as if I was on auto pilot. I kicked the drugs, left my girlfriend and fellow heroin addict and moved as far away as I could. Why would I do that? Because it was too easy. I had a lot of fun and it was awesome playing music and watching people enjoy it but it was too easy. I was not growing, I was stagnant and wasting away.
I did what my family told me I should from the beginning, I went back to school and I absolutely fucking hated it at first. I considered quitting many times but I stuck with it, I had nothing else. Eventually after gaining some of my self confidence back I began to excel. The better I did, the better I felt. I absolutely immersed self in it and I found happiness in my growing success. Everything turned around for me, I was actually happy for the first time in years.
Long story short, I did the unthinkable, I graduated and got an office job lol. It was a huge adjustment but I just stuck with it. I worked my ass off in during the day and relaxed and wrote music on my time off. Since then, I have done pretty well for myself and started a family with the most incredible woman in the world.
I still smoke pot, I still trip a few times a year, I still play music and I still have my fun but my priority is providing for my family because they are my true happiness.
As hard as it is to believe, sometimes our parents are right. Sometimes they know best and most of the times they push us because they love us and want us to be happy. I’m not telling you that if you pursue your dreams of being a musician that you will go down the same path that I did but it is not an easy path, I don’t want to stomp on your dreams but it is very, very difficult to make an actual living as a musician. Even if you turn out to be the best bass player in the world, it’s not easy.
I don’t want you to think that I am telling you to give up on it or sell out to society or any of that crap. I’m not, not at all. By all means pursue your dreams but have a backup plan. Do something that challenges you, always make an effort to grow as a person. I have no idea what your life is like, other than what you’ve told me and I know I’ve made a lot of assumptions here but think about it. Don’t become stagnant, continue to grow, learn and challenge yourself.
I hope this helps at least a little bit. If not, I am sorry but please don’t do anything stupid. Life is a gift, don’t give up on it or yourself.
“What should I do? Do people with good hearts or innocent suffer like this?”
All people suffer, my friend. Some more than others, some more publicly than others. But the thing that separates good folks from the rest is how you deal with that pain. Courage and strength don’t come from a lack of suffering, but enduring it and coming out on the other side wiser and better versed in not only the world, but yourself. Often the strongest and wisest people have suffered the most.
So the question now is what will you do with your continuing life force? As the others have said, you can do ANYTHING! Let that reality sink in, deep deep within you. The world is yours, and the future is unwritten. Chase your dreams, young one! You are the master of your own universe, and as soon as you realize that the sooner you can start to make your dreams a reality.
@cadeus333, See…I am older for the bad things that people go through when it comes to playing with band. I am 28. I can say “Been there, done that” if somebody offers me drugs and I only smoke pot. I haven’t tried any chemical and I really don’t want to. This after I saw what chemicals can do to a person from my ex.
By the way, what kind of music you like to play or listen to? I am into heavy metal, classical and trance.
No, I won’t do anything stupid. I do feel better after seeing all the replies here.
@mcr513, you are so right. The positive environment really changed me as a person. I was so depressed and would react badly to everything. I remember going through some difficult times just becoz of that. Even at work. I am happy than before but again my procrastination bugs me. I really want to make something out of myself.
@quiggz, Ohh Thank you for your kind words. I felt a tingling sensation when I was reading it. Come to think of it, noone talked to me like this. I realize it now that I have been trying to make everything work all alone. THANK YOU Jordan Lejuwaan for this wonderful site!!!!!
@absinthefairy, I am relieved to hear you say that you are not going to do anything to hurt yourself. I am glad you feel no desire to do any drugs that could possibly be destructive, if you are going to do any drugs stick to the naturals. Music is such a great outlet, it really is like therapy for me even though I am not trying to do it for a living anymore. I still play every day and I love it just as much as I did when I first picked up a guitar. I think that everyone should try to learn at least one instrument in their life, it is incredibly gratifying, especially when you start to write you own music.
I play a little bit of everything, but mostly metal, progressive rock, reggae and country. I t all depends on my mood. For some reason or another I thought you were a bit younger, I’m sorry if I came across as lecturing you or trying to tell you what to do with your life, I was honestly just trying to help. You are still young and have plenty of time to find your happiness, it’s never too late to start over and try something new, you never know, you might just find that you enjoy it.
Again, I am very happy to hear that you are feeling a little bit better. Just keep in mind that sometimes you might want to take the easy way out but nothing worthwhile is ever easy, it is the difficult moments and how we react to them that defines who we are as a person. That’s all from me but I hope to speak to you more in the future and if you are ever feeling down or just need someone to talk to, don’t hesitate to send me a message, I will respond as soon as I am able.
I hope you have a good night or day (I have no idea what time it is in India) and I hope to hear from you again soon :)