Hi there ^_^! I really need your opinion on this… My boyfriend’s mother carries out a sick love for him. She controls him emotionally trough their financial issues. I tried to look beyond the surface and I realized that their relationship is based on fear, guilty on past mistakes and that sick blindly love. He’s 25 years old and he can’t do anything without thinking what his mother would think about it and she’s omnipresent in his life. Because of this he has a lot of problems and when I try to talk to him about this he gets mad.
We plan to move in together but I don’t think I can live with him and his mother everyday even though she’s in another city. Now she wants us to get married only because I can take care of him and I can make him do something about his life… a thing she couldn’t do. I tried to talk with her about this but she doesn’t listen… I don’t know what to do… I love him too much to let him go because of this but I don’t think I can manage this situation for too long…
If his mother just gave him love this wouldn’t be an issue. She is playing a control drama, and so is he. They are both at fault (although him less, because this has been probably going on since his birth)
Try to get through to him the importance of himself. He doesn’t need validation anywhere, not even from you. Does he have any passions?
@hollowinfinity, he had… I don’t know how to explain this… but now he can’t do anything, he’s procrastinating and can’t end anything. I’m trying to make him realize what he’s capable of but all my struggle fails when he talks with his mom. He has low self esteem and he stopped thinking about the future. It’s hard to make him feel ok.
@drunkmonkmeth, that’s not the solution…believe he’s more manly than any other boy i’ve dated. And it is his mother’s fault. I live in a country where it’s normal to help your child even if he’s 40. We’re both in college and we need our parent’s money if we want to finish it. You can’t get a job, because working part time won’t help you at all… maybe u’ll have money for 2 weeks, you can’t pay rent, you can’t pay college fees you really can’t do anything. But still he works and go to college in the same time..even though his mother doesn’t accept this.
@alexgo2, leave him alone. He’s got to think of you, his mother, and a lot of other bullshit as it seems. That’s a lot. They are family, they’ll need to support each other. Yeah, I’m pretty sure you both need to leave him the fuck alone. It doesn’t seem like he has stopped thinking about the future if he gets mad, more likely, his present is definitely not helping him and that includes you.
That’s not love at all, there’s no such thing as too much love or “sick love”. You can’t carry on with the relationship without working through this issue and you need to let him know this. He can’t expect to be in a relationship with certain topics off the table, if he’s like this now there will potentially be more things later on he won’t want to talk about, which not healthy at all and you must be careful not to fall into an untruthful (you don’t get the full story) relationship.
Family doesn’t mean automatic love, he should break off as much contact as possible from his mother or even better; discuss it with her (unlikely I bet).
Haha, no one can make anyone do anything (except arguably by force but even then it’s still the individuals own choice). To say that you can make your boyfriend do things his mother couldn’t is a little self inflated. It honestly sounds to me like you are just jealous. So what if she has control over his finances, everyone matures differently and her being his mother she should know him very well and is just trying to protect him from himself.
He cares about what she thinks because he loves and respects her. It seems to me you are the one with the “sick love”. If you can’t accept and respect your boyfriends relationship with his mother that is your own problem. He will change in time, likely if you two move in together but to expect him to do it just for you is ridiculous. He has to come to this decision on his own.
@aliwine, I am not jealous and definitely I don’t want him to do anything for me. This is not about me. It’s a strange circle where she tells him what to do, he can’t do it, he gets upset, she gets mad and start telling him again what to do. Believe me I always encourage him to do anything he wants as long as he think it’s good for him. He started to practice Wing Chun and his mother told him it’s not ok because it involves violence and I told him I’ll pay for his classes if he really wants to go.
I never asked him to do anything for me and I definitely don’t want to ruin their relationship. I wish he’ll just realize the situation he is in and start doing things on his own, without thinking what his mother would think.
@alexgo2, sometimes there is no solution.. if you problem with your bf is his mother.. break up with him.. because you do not want to be that bitch who gets between a man and his mother. girl friends and boy friends are replaceable.. parent are not.. even if you parent is shitty one.