What to do with myself when I hate everything ?

Profile photo of Aida Aida (@aida-r) 3 weeks, 5 days ago

Hello, It’s been a while that I know this site and I read it ( excuse me for my English cause I’m not a native speaker ). I have a huge problem, like a monster in my life and mind, I had it always, even now that I’m writing it my hands are shaking. It’s my first time that I talk this honest, and that’s because I saw you guys read patiently problems and say your best opinions about them. I really need HELP, I have been thinking about killing myself since I was only 5.

I’m about 25 right now, I had a bad life in my middle eastern country, right now I’m in Russia and try to learn Russian for no specific reason, I just wanted to leave my disaster country, where treat women like shit! I’m about to get married to a Russian guy …

I went to a therapist for 4 years, and all I got is that I should love myself and world around me, it worked for some time… I don’t know exactly what’s wrong with me, but I know and remember that I never where a successful person in anything, never anyone said that I’m good enough or involved me as a doer or count on me. All I learned was to love god and accept that I’m a little peace of shit!

I’m an unsuccessful painter, a useless web designer, and shitty photographer! I’m a total loser. And I guess the only person who stops me from being successful is me. I don’t know how to kill this monster in my head, I mean I hate everything, I hate myself, I judge everyone… I try to be nice on the other hand I see myself as a monster. I even can not keep communications, people say oo you’re a beautiful nicey kind girl ! and I’m like WTF! I see myself exactly the opposite way!

I’m sick of beeing an unwanted child, I’m sick of myself, I think about suicide more often, I see myself hanged out from the roof, I see myself drowning in a river and jumping out of a bridge! And acutely I cut my nerve once and I jumped out of a car another time, but unfortunately I still alive!

I don’t know what to do, I’m ruining my relationship. I have no trust, not about myself and not about my partner or anyone else. I see people, children, couples, that they are so happy and they try for the living. I see myself as a sad useless person!

December 21, 2016 at 6:45 am
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Per (0) (@Per-Sib) 3 weeks, 5 days ago ago

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Per (0) (@Per-Sib) 3 weeks, 5 days ago ago

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rubyred (3) (@rubyred) 3 weeks, 5 days ago ago

Maybe speak to someone and tEllen them how things are for you. I think that emotional blockages mean that you start to hate everything and can’t do anything. There’s something making you unhappy or numb and you need to work through it. 

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Per (0) (@Per-Sib) 3 weeks, 4 days ago ago

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urdivine (0) (@urdivine) 3 weeks, 4 days ago ago

Well, Aida, It is a good sign that you are reaching out.

01]  It is true.  You do have to LEARN to love yourself, but normally you cannot do that by simply deciding to do it.  The neurons in your brain, [wiring in the brain] are programmed for you to feel this way.  So you have to re-program your subconscious mind.  Replacing the negative thinking paterns with new positive ones.

 Again, this is not done by your conscious mind.  Get a good pair of headphones, go on Youtube, and search for “self esteem/binaural beats” and “self esteem/brainwave sounds”.  RELAX and start listening everyday.

Very few people, 100% love themselves, so you just need some increase in this area and you will be on your way.

02]  NEVER even think of getting married in your situation.  It will be a disaster.

03  Never follow through with killing yourself.  I know in great detail of exactly what happens after death and before the next birth, and, trust me, you don’t want to do that.  

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Xhamajka (1) (@Xhamajka) 2 weeks, 5 days ago ago

How do u know what happens after death? đŸ¤”đŸ˜®

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urdivine (0) (@urdivine) 4 days, 17 hours ago ago

Sorry.  I failed to subscribe to email notification when there is a reply.

It is a complicated answer but I will answer if you relly want to know.

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Per (0) (@Per-Sib) 3 weeks, 4 days ago ago

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Keith00 (0) (@Keith00) 3 weeks, 3 days ago ago

If the life you are living now does not make you happy and hasent been making you happy go into mother nature and she will heal you. Go back to your roots and see the beauty of life and all it has to give. 

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Per (0) (@Per-Sib) 3 weeks, 2 days ago ago

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Per (0) (@Per-Sib) 3 weeks, 2 days ago ago

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Xhamajka (1) (@Xhamajka) 2 weeks, 5 days ago ago

You need to speak to someone you trust. I think you have a reason to feel like this… And it’s hidden really deep I guess… Try to find it out listen to yourself treat it good and as the time goes on and you pay attention to your reactions you’ll finally find the reason you feel like this and you’ll be able to free yourself ☺

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great Australia (0) (@greathat) 2 weeks, 3 days ago ago

This article is desribed by the variety of disease.in my point of view tell the problem to anyone and get the solutions.think positive then avoid the problem.make australia great again

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Consmcgons (0) (@ConsMcgons) 1 week, 4 days ago ago

Keep breathing sister, you are fine. As long as you are not dead you are still here to learn and grow, you know you are going to make it through so try on a different thought process to feel your way in this life. Stop buying into the idea that your thoughts are facts.   Start listening to what nature and Lovely people you come into contact with can teach you. 

Journey Well  

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Arya Ranon (0) (@ary1864) 1 week, 4 days ago ago

Girl, I know. I am not a native speaker so excuse my english too. I know that when you have a mental illness, only people who will understand you is someone who experienced and felt the same thing as you do. And maybe some really good therapist. Before you listen to what im gonna say. Know that I’ve been through it and i survived it. I am recovered and i am healthy again. All my teenage years i was bullied because of my behaviour. I couldn’t flirt like the other girls did and i messed up and bullied. But i was so naive to reailze that i embarrassed myself with my childish behavior. So i thought it was my weight and look. i was 65 kgs not that overweight but the more i got bullied, the more i became obsessed with it. I had this dream. Losing weight, getting my teeth white, changing my hear, healing my acne etc. I was 9th grade so in summer i decided to have a makeover and start 10th year as a new person and shock everyone. I couldn’t. Next year i had the same plan and i couldn’t. Finally i was in the middle of my 12th grade and i was 72 kgs. I knew i had to lose weight because i couldn’t go out in public or talk to people because i thought i was an obese. Then a friend of mine told me about some medicine. Its called Concerta. It has a side effect that makes you lose weight very fast because it doesnt let you eat anything you feel full all the time and you hate the idea of food. Normally it is a focusing medicine for studying but it is very powerful and dangerous so you have to go to a psychiatrist to get it. So i did. I practiced my speech and i tricked the doctor and i got it. It was like hell. I didn’t know at the time. But if you take it without needing it. It plays with your brain. Of course i had no one to tell me that. I lost 10 kgs in 15 days. Then i started going crazy. Because its a focusing drug, it makes you focus on every little thing which is very very bad for someone obsessive like i am. My life was turning into hell i couldnt talk or go out from my room at some point. It messed my brain up. Then i somehow quit and went to college and and i took it again. It was much worse that my friends came with the security to break my dorm rooms door because i was going to kill myself. Then they made me quit again but it was too late. I was already lost my mind. A year ago i tried to pull myself together and lose weight (yes i was still obsessed) and live a normal life. A week later, my best friend died in a car crash. Then i lost it again of course. Then i thought she died when she was 20 so im gonna live my life fully because life is too short. Of course it didn’t happen. One day i found myself in bed, i wasn’t crying but tears was coming from my eyes. I was frozen and shaking. At that moment i felt like i knew there is no single thing, big or small that makes me happy in life. I couldn’t find a single thing to live even though i was moving to united states very soon. I’ve never been to any doctor before except to get concerta. That day i stopped and laid down for 5 hours. Then i said to myself that i didn’t want to die. We went to a psychiatrist next day and she said that i was diagnosed with major depression, anxiety and OCD. Then i started taking medication and went to therapist.  8 months later. I am here and I am healthy and strong. You don’t give up when nothing makes you happy, you give up when you know nothing will ever gonna make you happy. But then you get back up. Without knowing that if you’ll be happy again. But you just get up sometimes. You wonder and you see. I am not going to tell you anything. Just find out yourself. Those people you see are not happy. There are things in their life that make them happy. If you don’t at the moment, get rid of those people or thing that don’t make you happy. Clearly, they are not useful. Spend some time on google and pinterest. Search the thing that make people happy even small things. Search everything you wanna know and fix. Do them. You’ll be shocked when you see that there are people who are just like us. Maybe those people you see are the same and belong to a group of people. But we are too. I don’t know you but I feel like I know you and I trust you sister. Get back up.

Love, Arya. 

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freesoul (0) (@kirantp) 4 days, 6 hours ago ago

Dear friend, i dont have any solutions to offer. but i just wanted to say that you are not alone. i know many people who are totally unhappy about their lives but have no choice to end it because of so many different reasons.

for me what is working is that i have accepted the fact that life is not an easy game. at this point of time it might be in level high. and when we see people playing easy level we may feel frustrated.  but i believe Forrest Gump’s mom. she says life is a box of chocolates, we dont know what life brings us the next phase. for the last 8 years i have got different kinds of chocolates. first two years finance and friends were great but my married life sucked. then career life was great and friends and family started to get worse. next stage i lost my parents and siblings . but got an understanding hubby and a lovely daughter. now i have a great family but finance sucks. 

for me life is a game played in level DIFFICULT . i have accepted that and it freed me completely. i have read many history books.saw many real lives. can u find happy people everywhere? what about war? nazi camps? refugee camps? prostitutes? orphans? life is not at all easy and i dont expect anybody else to solve my game when they themselves have their own. i stopped blaming others for not picking up when i fall. why to complain when we have our own legs to stand. 

all i see now is a stronger and courageous me after all these years of pain, failures and mistakes. 

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