I’ve many personalities residing within my mind. Each with their own opinion, and truth and falsities. Now, there is a true me, don’t get me wrong; but I am confused. Each of these personalities bicker and cause commotion, trying to get their two cents in. Like a tug-of-war with 12 participants and 4 ropes.
That aside, the world and the way it’s run is a pretty messed up thing in itself. From education programs, religious beliefs, political agendas, the whole god damn thing.
With all of this knowledge in my head, and all of these personalities fighting for their words; who’m I left to believe, who is right and who is wrong? Is there any wrong or right?
I’m left just thinking of the future. Sometimes I feel revolution is what we need as humanity, sometimes I feel it’s pointless; not pointless to revolt in fear of being shut up or something. Pointless in the thought that life itself, this existence is meaningless, so why bother? Why even get up and do anything at all? Should just sleep our lives away. Then I get to thinking that this meaninglessness is great! It’s like a blank slate for us to develop our own meaning for our lives. Perspective kicks in, then I realize my thought pattern isn’t familiar with everyone, not everyone shares this view. So then perspective is all that matters. That renders all opinions meaningless, values, morals, everything about us. With perspective there is no right or wrong, just perspective. Being raised the way we are it’s hard to recognize this, if we hear something said that makes no sense to us then we cast it out as nonsense, stupid, dumb, whatever you want to call it. So, perspective is the only thing that makes sense anymore.
Along with perspective comes the long time argument ‘you see only what you want to see’ which I completely agree with. But, this is just my perspective. To downplay your views and opinions, I downplay my own. Is this right? How can it be? I just said we all live in our own worlds with our own laws and morals. To give respect to everyone’s perspective is difficult, maybe impossible. I am quick to judge, and just as fast to judge my judgement. Even if I catch myself, I still feel resentment for my original prejudice even if it couldnt be helped.
I see equality in everything, meaninglessness, and greatness. A love and hate for the world, a love and a hate for the people in it.
Same goes for emotions: sadness, happiness, manic, craziness, and the rest of the fucking spectrum. Love/hate.
When my mind gets going thinking of anything, i’ll recall a memory with a keyword from the original topic, then from that memory i’ll remember something/someone else involved and then get to thinking about their personality or anything about them and it falls down the chain, lost as to what the original concept even was.
I feel I don’t connect with people anymore, I can’t. Some things I do, most things I don’t. Because of that thing that happens to my mind, it just wonders off down that trail. Perhaps I am interested in the conversation at hand, my mind still fucking does it. I don’t want to tame it, I just want to be able to sit and have a stable fucking conversation. Just because I don’t particularly care for the conversation it’d be nice to be able to have something to say that doesnt sound condescending or pompous.
Truth is I don’t feel like I’m above anyone, if anything I’m below them. Who the fuck am I to demean their opinion or problems? Back to the perspective platform. It’s all that matters.
Something else I have to remind myself of. “Not everyone measures success in the same way”. Not everyone wants to change the world.
Then I get bothered by this.. People want change, but their to lazy to make it happen. Maybe we’re all just caught up in this thought process I’m ranting about. Maybe it’s something similar, maybe this is all wrong.
One minute I’m all for individuality and originality, the next I’m saying we’re all part of the same compost pile.
This mind of mine is both brilliant and terrifying, I disagree with everything I am saying and agree at the same time! I believe in nothing, but I think it’s nice to have some tradition; christmas, birthdays, anniversaries and shit like that. I don’t like saying Happy Birthday at all! I don’t like the materialism that comes with all of the above, fucking valentines day, independence day. I agree with getting together with the people you care about, though the exchange of useless shit is so trivial! Yet people give it so much value!
In conclusion, I’d have to say I’ve no idea what is ever going on in my mind. But, if I give it a little thought I can analyze it quite well. The optimism shines, the pessimism shows.
Never forget at the end of the day, I love, all my personalities love.
Does anyone else get like this? Ever?
In a way, you could even connect this to Plato’s Allegory of the Cave. Once you see the brighter side and realize what a compost (that is a great word choice, by the way) this place is, the sicker it makes you towards everything. I am glad that I am not alone. There really, truly, is no such thing as black and white in my opinion. So many conversations lack passion and wisdom, I really wish that wasn’t so.
I am always like this. I hate the artificiality of the made up perspective but then I realize my perspective is also artificial
I’m not sure if it is the same thing, but I as well think in a very confusing way. I can’t stay focused on conversation and I question every single action I took or will take or why things happen the way they do. I try to believe in something but because everything is so complex and not relative I never decide for anything. I also don’t feel that I shouldn’t think that way I do, although I suffer and get confused. I’m not completely open when I talk because I think differently. I feel people in general think different than me and That they wouldn’t understand how I think. Is this a mental problem? Might it be related to anxiety maybe…?