Jon Brooks • • 3 min read
Dr. Aziz Gazipura On How to Escape the Social “Prison of Politeness” and Express Yourself Authentically (HEx Podcast #32)
“Here’s the thing. You are not responsible for other people’s feelings. They’re not incompetent children. They’re adults who can handle their own feelings. They can work through disappointment, hurt, anger, sadness, and upset. In fact, doing so will make them stronger and healthier in the long run. You cannot stop others from feeling all discomfort, or all pain. It is an impossible task, a fool’s errand.”
― Aziz Gazipura, Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself
There are four main models of how anxiety is caused.
The first three are fairly obvious:
- Exposure — we get anxious about the things we avoid
- Cognitive — our irrational thoughts can make us more anxious
- Biological — changes in our biochemistry can make us more anxious
The fourth however, is a little harder to grasp:
“The hidden emotion model.”
This model stipulates that we can get anxious because there are very obvious things in our life that we are not addressing.
The hidden emotion model, is really just another way of saying “niceness.”
When we are “nice” we let things slide, we don’t speak up, we suppress our emotions, we make sacrifices we wish we hadn’t…
All of this can lead to suppressed feelings, and ultimately anxiety and depression.
This used to be me, until I started consuming information by Dr. Aziz Gazipura.
At its core, being nice is about being liked by others by making everything smooth. No waves, no friction. It’s based on this (woefully inaccurate) theory: If I please others, give them everything they want, keep a low profile, and don’t ruffle feathers or create any discomfort, then others will like me, love me, and shower me with approval and anything else I want.
― Aziz Gazipura, Not Nice: Stop People Pleasing, Staying Silent, & Feeling Guilty… And Start Speaking Up, Saying No, Asking Boldly, And Unapologetically Being Yourself
Dr. Aziz is someone who has all the charisma of someone like Tony Robbins (who he trained with), but has a PhD in clinical psychology.
What does this mean? His work is both entertaining and scientifically sound.
Dr. Aziz has many profound insights about life, psychology, and transformation, but he specialises in social confidence.
In this episode, I had the opportunity to speak with Dr. Aziz.
Here’s what we discuss in the episode of the HighExistence Podcast:
- Why he focuses so much on “niceness” in his work.
- The role of trauma healing vs. self-optimisation.
- The importance of Shadow work, and how to do it.
- Finding balance between being assertive and compassionate.
- Dr. Aziz’s transformation out of shyness.
- How to express yourself unapologetically.
- And much, much more…
LISTEN TO THE EPISODE
(Please remember to leave a review, this does much more than you think!)
LEARN MORE ABOUT DR. AZIZ
- Read his book Not Nice (highly recommended)
- Podcast: Shrink for the Shy Guy
- Website
- Youtube channel
Jon Brooks
Jon Brooks is a Stoicism teacher and, crucially, practitioner. His Stoic meditations have accumulated thousands of listens, and he has created his own Stoic training program for modern-day Stoics.
