|Ophelia||# Posted on May 24, 2016 at 1:41 am|
I sort of understand how you feel. I was thinking of posting a discussion but when I saw yours, it was similar. I’ve done many things in my life….I had fun. But too many bad things happened along the way. Too many people I knew or were extremely close to died at very young ages. Since I was young I was obsessed with not wanting to get old. Not even wanting to grow up actually. I told people I had to find a vampire before I became 30. I left out the part that if I didn’t, I wanted to die. I can’t accept the loss of my best friend. Why couldn’t I have died instead? I read all the positive things people say and sure, I’d love to go to certain places and see things. But not enough to make the effort. I’m in a very comfortable setting, have no responsibilities at all. I feel like I grew up too fast and am now going backwards. It’s always been real easy for me to live in my head. I have very vivid dreams. I feel like 2 different people. There’s one inside me that I like but the other I hate. I think if my friend was here, I would be ok. But my life stopped when his did. I’m atheist and somehow that makes it harder. At this point I feel like I have 2 choices- stay in this limbo, wait til I take too many pills and not wake up or take the first step and do at least one of the things I want to do. I think I’m more afraid that if I do travel, I won’t feel any different and then all hope will seem to be gone.