|Fernanda||# Posted on June 26, 2016 at 11:07 pm|
I struggle with myself, the way I feel about things and its intensity. It takes over me, I can feel the physical pain in my chest because somehow, even if I know a feeling can be irrational for most, it makes sense for me at the core. For example, my boyfriend and I have seen each other every week since we met, today is sunday and we haven’t seen each other since last saturday because he’s moving out of his apartment into a new one, as he lives far away because of university. Still he has managed to come every week by thursday or so. So I said that if we are not going to be able to see each other, you might as well not come at all and I’ll travel to the city by tuesday and I’ll stay in for a few days; it doesn’t make sense for me, just don’t come. As if everything was ruined so why bothering to come, right? My position is distant, a bit cold and a bit bitter but I don’t show it. I’m a serious normal person on the outside because I know it only makes sense in my head. Still I wanted to go on tuesday because I do miss him and I know my hurt feelings will eventually heal by seeing him, plus, my mom is going to the city so I had a ride to go. We (mainly he) thought that he would be able to come by 6pm today but he and his family had many delays so they’ll be in town at late hours. So, I still don’t change my mind. It’s a 4 hour trip by car, 6 hour trip by bus. In my head, it still doesn’t make sense him coming. I won’t be able to see him today, I’m not really caring if I see him tomorrow and on tuesday we are travelling together with my parents to the city so there’s that. Many of you reading this may not understand but even if I know the sacrifice he does for me the feeling won’t go away… unless I see him. Which I’m not able to……. so……..
I know it’s unhealthy, mostly for me. It’s something i’ve experienced my whole life. It has been creeping at times in my current relationship. Gladly, my boyfriend somehow puts up with my madness and it’s very patient and gentle while I try and just change that frustrated part about me. I really don’t know what’s wrong with me sometimes.