Reply To: Bipolar

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Rose # Posted on October 22, 2013 at 6:44 am

@epiphileon, hey, I looked into both cognitive distortions, which makes a hell of a lot of sense to me, and is quite telling of a certain aspect of my mental state, and I looked into ctd as well, which seems like a healthier approach, than being given pharmaceuticals. I’m currently in Paris on a one year working holiday visa, so I don’t have money to spare to see some psychologist. Truth is, I don’t expect to find any psych. who can help me. If somebody throws meds in my face, I’d briskly leave the room and mutter every damn curse under the sun. It’s a spiritual thing for sure. I’ve ‘endured’ too much emotional stress in my life without any help/support, but a hell of a lot of f***ing criticism, and this is the consequence. The thing is, if a person goes through so many changes that they can’t anymore understand a damn thing about their identity, it’s one thing. But to know that it’s going to happen over and over and over and over, and everything you work for you will lose… Without any understandable reason or even a sign or signal… Well, find some purpose in doing anything afterwards?
I mean, fuck it, I can learn things over again, I can let go of what I need to let go of, but you tell me, what kind of fucking doctor could give me back my goddamned faith, in myself and my life? What kind of doctor can make me believe again that it’s all worthwhile? What kind of fucking doctor can prove to me that I will be able to retain something for myself when this thing comes and takes from me what it will!

You know how it feels? I look at my life, the one ahead of me, and all I can see is me managing my emotions? Where’s my goddamned freedom? It’s all about taking care of myaelf just so I can have stability. It doesn’t matter anymore what I want. It’s like I have this diaease inside of me and I believe it can be healed, but since I dont know how, I’m going to spend a great portion of my goddamned time mothering and nursing the damned thing. That’s my life from here on out. Take care of your sickness! I can eat healthy, but I wont be doing it cause thats what I aspire to, no no no no no, its because this disease remains more at bay if I dont eat shit foods. Some fucking life. People feel a sense of pleasure from achievements. It doesn’t matter what I do, I can’t feel that kind of pleasure, that kind of encouragement for myself, bc the disease lives on. People decide they’re going to get healthy, going to get fit, and they do it, and they feel good about themselves, they can respect themselves. They can stand with their spine strengthened and their back straight. Nothing can make me feel that way anymore. None of it matters, bc in a few months time, it’ll come again, and I’ll just become somebody else again. I feel like a shadow. I feel like this tool that’s been made for somebody else to use. And I feel like some joke has been played on me but I cant laugh bc its too serious. I just feel so damned insignificant in the face of this damned thing.