|m jayne||# Posted on August 9, 2012 at 10:05 pm|
@aliwine, I have all kinds of scars all over the place.
One of the kinds of scars I have are these little circular scars that look EXACTLY like track marks, even though they arent. I have them all over the place, especially in places with lots of close-to-the-surface veins which makes them look even more like track marks. You mentioned how you cant even claim that its surgery because the line isnt straight; well I cant even assert that my scars are from what they actually are from, and arent all from being a needle junkie. It is so bad, that one of my past friends families was convinced that I was a meth head and that they also could be from -bugs-. They were so sure that they all inspected me and conversed openly about it for like a week (while I was staying at a place they owned where they all were staying too at the time). They kept trying to work -the truth- out of me and sort of stage a mini-intervention and let me know that I was on a -bad path- and needed -help- and that they were always there to -help- me and all of that. . .which is all very nice and thoughtful and what not. . .except that their -evidence- of my drug problem was never anything to do with drugs.
So I can tell you it doesnt really matter a whole lot what they are ACTUALLY from, people will make their own judgements about you and bring up your scars regardless and it can get just as awkward and weird and embarrassing.
I dont think you should be embarrassed though. Your scar isnt some sign for the world that you gave up and all that. . .its a sign that your arm was all cut open at one point and healed that way. If you look at it as something to be embarrassed of then you are giving other people the right to treat it as such and look at it the same way.
You said that you were suffering from postpartum depression right? I know people who have gone through postpartum psychosis. . .where they literally loose their marbles and -like the flick of a switch- go completely insane. Nobody Ive met who knows about it looks at them like it was their fault, or like it is something to be ashamed of or embarrassed by because the things that they did and the person they become werent really -them-. You didnt completely loose your shit and mentally check-out, but you probably werent -yourself- either. Im not saying that what you did doesnt matter or that you get a free pass or that you arent responsible and accountable for your actions. . .but what I am saying is that the -you- that did that wasnt really -you- and that who you are now shouldnt have to suffer and feel guilty and ashamed because of a challenge that came up in your life where you couldnt quite manage things. Just because you came across a situation where you struggled with yourself and your own body and mind were playing for the other team, doesnt make you a -bad person- or a weak person. Maybe you should have sought out more help or been more honest with others and yourself about how bad it really was. . .but the point is that it really was that fucking hard and you had a really difficult fight against it that has resulted in you actually winning.
If you wrestled a bear, and came out with a scar that almost killed you from blood loss when you got it, nobody would be looking at you as though you should be ashamed of yourself for not coming out unscathed, they would be amazed by you for coming out at all, period. Forget the scar, you owned that beast.
If you can learn to feel the same way about your scar -that your postpartum got one really good shot in- as most people would feel about the bear, then you can start to acknowledge that although you almost didnt make it and the fight was brutal as fuck, youre the one who came out alive.
People brag about scars from bears. Fuck. People brag about lost limbs, fingers, and toes! All you got was a scar. That makes you pretty badass.