Reply To: he feels ashamed to be around me, whats wrong with this?

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Cody # Posted on October 21, 2013 at 12:51 pm

@heartbeat, I think I understand the problem, but it may not be what you want to hear. First of all, I’m 99% sure it has nothing to do with you being foreign.

After only reading the title and before opening the thread, I immediately knew you must have done something embarrassing in public. It reminds me of my last relationship actually. It might make me an asshole but I was fairly ashamed to be with my last girlfriend in public. Too ashamed to even consider her my girlfriend and often introduced her just as my friend.
When I first met her I had no idea she was a little weird and anxious. We worked together and became friends and I noticed she didn’t have a boyfriend so I started to flirt with her. I brought her over one day and kissed her and it was a little awkward, I could tell this was probably her first time. I think she was taking things way too seriously from that point on, it’s almost like you could see the visions of marriage and children in her wide-eyes(she wouldn’t close them while I kissed her, a little creepy). I think that same afternoon she asked if we were boyfriend and girlfriend now and I sorta laughed it off not knowing what to say. I think I said I was just getting to know her more and wasn’t quite ready for that relationship yet.

But I think she immediately took it a different way and started telling people I was her bf which was annoying enough. It also gave me all the control throughout the rest of the relationship because she cared about it way more than I did. I think this is what made her so anxious or brought out her anxiety, because things just got more weird from then on. She was really nervous and fidgety and twitchy around me which was not attractive at all.
The first time I gave her a chance at being my ‘gf’ I invited her to a party at my house. I was one of the hosts so I was floating around a lot; talking and interacting with people while she was just very antisocial, I think she sat in my room or on the computer the whole night. I also realized she was pretty immature, changing the music to really childish pop crap and choosing movies that were basically PG. She wouldn’t drink or smoke with us; but it wasn’t for any logical reason, just out of fear or ignorance I guess.

My room is pretty much just a bed, and by the time I finally retired to it after the party she was under my covers already. I crawled in and we made out for a while and eventually started rounding bases but she didn’t want to. Instead we just made out for like 4-5 hours and it was super boring for me. I eventually pushed her off to get some sleep and I think she stayed awake the entire night poking or kissing me while I was asleep, constantly waking me up as if it was cute, trying to engage another hour long makeout sesh. The next morning I had a hangover and blue balls and no sleep and it was the first and last time I had her over for a while.
I took her to the movies once, bought her whatever she wanted. We walk about 15 feet away from the cashier before she drops it all on the ground. Like straight drops a huge soda and popcorn like she has flippers for hands. It splashed across the floor and made a huge scene. I’ve never even seen that happen before so I was like woah, wtf do I do? I was so embarrassed to be next to her in that moment and an employee thankfully rushed in to take care of the mess so we could move on. First and last time I took her out anywhere.

We still hung out at my place now and then and although I considered her more as a friend with benefits, she definitely thought I was her boyfriend; even after conversations with her about keeping our status unofficial.
My friend’s band was playing a huge gig and they ordered a party bus for all their friends to ride there and see them play. I invited this girl along and told her exactly what would be going on a couple days beforehand and she was totally cool with it. We get to the rendezvous and it’s a super awesome bus. The seats were stripped and replaced with couches, a free keg, everyone had some weed and a cup and was looking forward to a great 2 hour commute. A lot of the people on the bus I haven’t seen in a long time, so I was floating around talking to different people while she mostly sat there again. I noticed people were talking to her so I was happy she wouldn’t be bored, though the guys that were talking to her were probably a little drunk and hitting on her.

She drank and smoked a little with us and had in private with me a few times before, so it wasn’t anything new for her. Everyone was having a blast and really on their level when she randomly started to freak out. She was really uncomfortable and paranoid and I didn’t even realize it until some dude was like “Hey, that girl that came with you is freaking out and wants to get off the bus. you should go talk to her”. The bus was blasting music so it was hard to understand but she wasn’t making any sense at all, it was like she was having a panic attack. She couldn’t even make complete sentences and seemed very paranoid. Her parents had called her and she was telling them waay too much info like that we were all smoking weed and there were underage drinkers and all this shit that they didn’t need to know. It immediately freaked everyone out on the bus because we all thought she was chill but she was putting everyone at a huge risk and we thought her parents might be calling the cops.

We dropped her off at a gas station to get picked up by her parents and sped on. There was a lot of time and money committed to this day and everyone was upset and I was super embarrassed. The day went on fantastically and no cops were called although her parents called my parents lol. So it was extremely immature and awkward. I haven’t seen her since then and don’t plan to.

tl;dr I think he’s ashamed because of that scene at your school. A lot of people probably gossiped about it at the time and that sort of thing sticks with your reputation through school. If it was just a one-time weird mistake with logical reasons, he might understand. But otherwise he’s probably afraid you’ll do something like that again sometime or cause a scene some other way. I’d suggest in the most sincere way that you get some help to sort out your anxieties and gain some calmer control over social interactions. Just be chill and yourself, let him get to know you while you drop subtle hints that you’re interested. Don’t smother him with attention or set your expectations too high because that’ll just get you anxious and disappointed. Try to make both your intentions clear or he might take advantage of your insecurities and just hang out with you for sex while still being ashamed to take you in public. Just figure out what you want and if at first you don’t succeed, try again!