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|North||# Posted on October 19, 2013 at 11:47 pm|
Hey guys, thank you for the advice and objective observations. It’s amazing to me that people with their own lives and problems will still sit down to write real, heart-felt advice to someone like me (even “hit on more girls”, which may be the kind of action I need to take).
I’ve spent the last 10 years of my life in a state wherein I berate myself, give up too easily, tell myself I am defined by my failures and shortcomings. I have also let my jealousy and confusion grow into a very real and debilitating creature that saps my energy and fogs my mind. It’s been noticeably worse the past three years as I was finishing school. Even when I am sitting doing nothing, by mind is constantly active, reinforcing the negative thoughts. It’s fucking exhausting, affects my short term memory, and has created a minor case of agoraphobia.
Have you guys ever had a time in your life when you were constantly thinking? I mean thinking so much that you didn’t even know who you were anymore, and you questioned every action you took and questioned your true motivations? I have tried so hard to think my way through these issues, trying to determine cause and effect. But life is so complex that every time it ends in more confusion. This leads to fear. What if I can’t determine the cause of my problems? Then they will never be solved, and I will end up alone and old and I will die full of regret. That’s a lot to carry around every single hour of every day (which is why I just chose to get high when I got home every day). Now I’m facing these thoughts, facing loneliness, facing the real world for the first time, without the help of weed to distract myself from the pain (I”m job hunting).