Reply To: I've had a headache for 3 years

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Anonymous # Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:45 pm

Hello Chad
I’m glad to read about your struggle because I can relate to that a lot. I will tell you about what I’ve been through in hopes it will shed light on your path.

Btw, sorry if this is too long, but it’s from the heart.

I’m 23 and I’ve know constant daily pain since december 2009. 4 years that were significant in my life so far.
I finished high school in 08 and got into college, but not the course I wanted. I was doing that just to please my family. Went to it 6 months and decided to quit. I was an “utter failure” in high school. I actually had to that time spent most of my life procrastinating, gaming, and sleeping. I already thought a lot about life. But never had the courage to take any action towards it. I was waiting for things to fix themselves. And I wanted to prove myself worthy. So around that time I kind of woke up to life. I guess some people will relate that when you do so that is a lot of things you have to deal with. I simply shut the door on all of these things. Getting into college now was my focus. Doing the things I wanted to do with life. Living it to the most.

I enrolled in a prep course decided to start my own revolution in life. 6 months later I took my exams. I’ve spent 6 months with no pc at all studying to get into college and since the exams were over was gonna use my free time to what I considered the best option. Pc.

It all started with a tendinitis on my right arm. At that time I spent some 2 weeks gaming on my pc and the click-click type-type took its toll on me. I woke up one morning to a “dead” arm. It was stiff and numb and the muscle was not responding. I couldn’t lift a glass off water for example.Went to the doc, he examined me, got some x-rays. Diagnosed a tendinitis and prescribed some meds for the pain and physical therapy to help restore my arm. No big deal. I actually didnt take it serious and had a problem staying off my pc. I started to use the mouse with my left hand.. guess what.. both arms now. But after a while the pain in my left arm was gone. Since I rarely used it and was able to refrain from using it. (I was clumsy with it anyway)

The physical therapy kinda worked but since I did not quit gaming I did not healed properly. Went to the doc again and he prescribed more meds and more phth. College results came I was not admitted so I had to go back to the prep course. There I would have to be writing a lot.. I was taking college exams seriously (at least in my mind). So guess what.. more pain.. constant pain. I wouldn’t take a time off I simply couldn’t. I had to get into college. So I would spent all morning writing, taking notes in classes, doing exercises and feeling pain while handling the pen. In the afternoon I went to the phth sessions but to no avail. The relief was temporary. I lasted feel hours. I went to sleep in pain, woke up in pain. That caused a lot of suffering, but I had no time to focus on that. I was obsessed with getting into college. Spending time thinking about anything not related was unacceptable. So I repressed a LOT of things. Subconsciously of course. 2010 went on like that. Pain and a misguided sense of focus. Obsessing and focusing are really different things. I made a lot of bad choices. Ended up not getting into college again. I was always tense. Blaming myself whenever I was doing something unrelated to becoming a better person. Tendinitis went on.. same diagnosis, phth sessions. 2011 began. I decided I did not wanted pain in my life. That was to much. I felt like shit. Like I was crippled. Life was becoming to harsh to stand. It is maddening to feel pain 24/07. Go to sleep in pain, wake up in pain, go through the day in pain.

So that year I decided to take the sessions seriously took it easy on using the pen or doing any activity using my arm. No pc, almost no writing. If my left healed my right could to. But it didn’t. I learned to live with it. After some months I discovered a new therapy. Taping (you use adhesives to pull and relax you muscles) It worked for a good 3 months if I’m not mistaken. It was like a drug to me (btw taping is physical not chemical, so it was a “mental” drug, like a shield or solution if you will). Pain? Tape! Helped me through the beginning of the year my studying gained with quality. It was the first year in my life actually that I learned anything through books. I was feeling awesome. The pain was there but I had hope now. Things seemed to be working out. I decided I was going into the airforce. For that I needed to be fit since it required a physical exam. I went to the gym. Talked to my doc. He actually said I needed to. To strengthen my muscles. He said that I only had tendinitis cause my muscles were “frail” from leading a sedentary life. (Btw I had no history of this in my family). Thinking back on those days the word pain doesn’t come to my head. I was happy. The pain seemed only something that would be gone very soon. Going to the gym would help fix finally.
Long story short I hurt my hip in the gym. At first I thought it was only some silly pain.. but it was worsening. I actually already suffered from a little pain in my calf muscle but nothing like my arm it was bearable. I was diagnosed with a bursitis in my right hip. Guess what? Lost all hope. Cracked. Could not handle it. The pains in the arm came back. And now I was “crippled” again. Could hardly walk. No climbing stairs (I lived in a two storey house). The pain was excruciating. Constant. I lost my grip. Quit the prep course and went home to die. I would sleep all day, hardly eat. Nothing was exciting. I did the exams but was not admitted again. It started in may, I could handle it until july and then I cracked. Phth help over time. But it would not go away. I went to the sessions from june to april of march 2012 I guess. It got better, but not good. Decided to start studying again. And to heal again. I gained my spirit back. Decided I need a time to sort thing out. So that year I did not went to the prep course anymore. I would study home. Just subjects that did not require the use of my hands. Those who required mostly reading. So the tendinitis could heal over time. Two months after quitting phth sessions my legs were feeling ok. I was able to walk normally, climb stairs but was still unable to perform anything like running or standing up for too long. Any hard effort and it would come back. It was a bit frustrating cuz I felt limited. The arm pains were more bearable.

I must say that during those years I would crack form time to time.. looking to a future of daily pain. I was in constant hating of people and had lots of problems home. Fighting with parents and sister. Always expecting a lot from people and from myself. Suffering was all around. I Hoped that someday I would find a miracle cure. I was always with this feeling that I had destroyed my body. Fortunately the exams never showed any permanent damaged. But that fear was constant. I went on with my life. Around mid 2012 I discovered my spirituality. This is the home stretch by the way. Things started to change for the better here. How I came to find my spirituality is in another post (superiority by haileyhuber). But the important is it changed me and made me look inside. The miracle cure came. Pain was gone. Instantly after a started to deal with a lot of problems. I spent 3 very zen months from July to September on 12. After that I cracked again, failed my exams again. Spent most of this year procrastinating, sleep and doing nothing. A lot of questions to deal with. What happened was that during those good months a shut the door on a lot too. I wanted to let go of my ego. What I was doing was trying to nullify myself. Those are not the same thing. What I was doing was using my spiritual journey as an excuse not to face my hardship in life. That’s actually How I find HE, searching for answers (egoless-how by theboss7607).
The pain is back. But I will tell what changed. It is all in my mind. The miracle cure in 12 actually came with this perception. My faith was very high at that time. I just told myself I was hurting myself and it stopped. I mean this literally. I was in front of my pc listening to these song(check bellow), I identified with it and started to cry. I told myself I needed to stop hurting myself. And it was gone. Today I know that there’s nothing wrong with my body. Its all in my head. I believe the tendinitis and bursitis were real in the beginning. The chronic pain and clinging to it wasn’t. It comes back now as a means to tell me something is wrong. Knowing that I’m causing it makes it much more easier to handle it.
The pain is here only when I’m hurting myself in some way. I’ve noticed that whenever I go out and do anything that is able to take my mind of my problems, like hanging out with my friends going for a walk, anything that is relaxing really, It goes away. When I remember I have stuff to deal with.. bammm its back. I found myself focusing on it.
So it came down to dealing with my inner shit. It was suggested to me early in 2010 by a friend of mine that it was psychological. But I would not accept it. I told her I was normal. I had no problems. I was lying to her. Not to myself. I just didn’t know hot to get help, nor had the courage to sit down and relax and try to sort things out. I felt confused, in a rush with no control, obsessed. I had no time for that “bullshit”. I wanted a physical problem cuz it was easier. I could take a pill, do phth, or maybe surgery and it would go away. It was not so.
Also I was ashamed to to go a therapist. I didn’t knew much about and somehow felt fear of being deemed as a nutjob, or instable person. I still haven’t mustered any will to visit one. Have not found it necessary as of now. Talking to anyone actually helps. Writing and reading to. Coming here helped me a lot. Putting it out to another person really helps. When I started to type this my arm was hurting. Its been like an hour now. Some three pages on Word and its not hurting anymore. It should be killing me. Writing about it makes me realize it is not real.
tennislogic9’s post about Dr Sarno helped me a lot too. It confirmed what I already knew. I cried a lot watching that video. But it was good. I felt right, like I was purging some bad choice I made years ago. I’m buying those books. I’m positive it will help. I know I’m doing this to my self. Accepting this changes a lot.
I don’t know if you can relate to that Chad. I came here because I could. I’ve never met anyone with chronic pain like me. I don’t know much about you. What I would recommend is talking to someone about the period of your life previous to the headache. Did anything significant changed? Are you repressing something? Maybe it was related to your joining the military?
I’m suggesting this because you said that the doctors could not find any abnormality. So did mine. I was also convinced at some points that I would live with this forever. Now I convinced myself otherwise. I will heal. It will away. Dr Sarno’s video renewed my faith, especially the personal stories. I felt alone before. Now I know I’m not.
If you need someone to talk you can count on me. I will help you, as best as I can.
If you like music. There is a piece I recommend. Google “12-step suite” By Dream Theater. It talks about their drummer’s personal struggle through alcoholism. “Wait, alcohol? You missin the point man.” I don’t know if you’ll be able to relate to that. Listening to this five track piece you realize alcohol was his drug of choice. It was how he dealt with his inner-struggle. My drug of choice was pain. So the songs aren’t really about alcohol addicting. They’re about healing. Overcoming the inner struggle. If you don’t like the music (it’s progressive metal), read the lyrics. Today I see that I used the pain as an excuse for my bad choices.. so I did not had to take responsibility for them. My mind still clings to it because I have not sorted many things yet. But I have clues now that I’m working on. Also I push myself too hard. I’m now going through a reset. It’s been helping a lot, reprogramming my mind.

Don’t get me wrong, it was hell and some days it still is. But I’m grateful for my pain; you have to go through a lot a shit sometimes to wake up. It helped me heal many problems that were driving me crazy. I helped me find the meaning of spirituality. And now I feel like I have the tools to heal on my own.

Be strong man. It is not easy. At all. Just to remember what I went through makes me very emotional. But if you have faith you will find the way out. Be it what I pointed be it another thing. If you look forward to healing, the “miracle” will come. You will be amazed much like I was.

I wish my best, all the strength you need right now. Peace and light to you.