|Anonymous||# Posted on October 30, 2013 at 3:45 pm|
Btw, sorry if this is too long, but it’s from the heart.
I’m 23 and I’ve know constant daily pain since december 2009. 4 years that were significant in my life so far.
I enrolled in a prep course decided to start my own revolution in life. 6 months later I took my exams. I’ve spent 6 months with no pc at all studying to get into college and since the exams were over was gonna use my free time to what I considered the best option. Pc.
It all started with a tendinitis on my right arm. At that time I spent some 2 weeks gaming on my pc and the click-click type-type took its toll on me. I woke up one morning to a “dead” arm. It was stiff and numb and the muscle was not responding. I couldn’t lift a glass off water for example.Went to the doc, he examined me, got some x-rays. Diagnosed a tendinitis and prescribed some meds for the pain and physical therapy to help restore my arm. No big deal. I actually didnt take it serious and had a problem staying off my pc. I started to use the mouse with my left hand.. guess what.. both arms now. But after a while the pain in my left arm was gone. Since I rarely used it and was able to refrain from using it. (I was clumsy with it anyway)
The physical therapy kinda worked but since I did not quit gaming I did not healed properly. Went to the doc again and he prescribed more meds and more phth. College results came I was not admitted so I had to go back to the prep course. There I would have to be writing a lot.. I was taking college exams seriously (at least in my mind). So guess what.. more pain.. constant pain. I wouldn’t take a time off I simply couldn’t. I had to get into college. So I would spent all morning writing, taking notes in classes, doing exercises and feeling pain while handling the pen. In the afternoon I went to the phth sessions but to no avail. The relief was temporary. I lasted feel hours. I went to sleep in pain, woke up in pain. That caused a lot of suffering, but I had no time to focus on that. I was obsessed with getting into college. Spending time thinking about anything not related was unacceptable. So I repressed a LOT of things. Subconsciously of course. 2010 went on like that. Pain and a misguided sense of focus. Obsessing and focusing are really different things. I made a lot of bad choices. Ended up not getting into college again. I was always tense. Blaming myself whenever I was doing something unrelated to becoming a better person. Tendinitis went on.. same diagnosis, phth sessions. 2011 began. I decided I did not wanted pain in my life. That was to much. I felt like shit. Like I was crippled. Life was becoming to harsh to stand. It is maddening to feel pain 24/07. Go to sleep in pain, wake up in pain, go through the day in pain.
So that year I decided to take the sessions seriously took it easy on using the pen or doing any activity using my arm. No pc, almost no writing. If my left healed my right could to. But it didn’t. I learned to live with it. After some months I discovered a new therapy. Taping (you use adhesives to pull and relax you muscles) It worked for a good 3 months if I’m not mistaken. It was like a drug to me (btw taping is physical not chemical, so it was a “mental” drug, like a shield or solution if you will). Pain? Tape! Helped me through the beginning of the year my studying gained with quality. It was the first year in my life actually that I learned anything through books. I was feeling awesome. The pain was there but I had hope now. Things seemed to be working out. I decided I was going into the airforce. For that I needed to be fit since it required a physical exam. I went to the gym. Talked to my doc. He actually said I needed to. To strengthen my muscles. He said that I only had tendinitis cause my muscles were “frail” from leading a sedentary life. (Btw I had no history of this in my family). Thinking back on those days the word pain doesn’t come to my head. I was happy. The pain seemed only something that would be gone very soon. Going to the gym would help fix finally.
I must say that during those years I would crack form time to time.. looking to a future of daily pain. I was in constant hating of people and had lots of problems home. Fighting with parents and sister. Always expecting a lot from people and from myself. Suffering was all around. I Hoped that someday I would find a miracle cure. I was always with this feeling that I had destroyed my body. Fortunately the exams never showed any permanent damaged. But that fear was constant. I went on with my life. Around mid 2012 I discovered my spirituality. This is the home stretch by the way. Things started to change for the better here. How I came to find my spirituality is in another post (superiority by haileyhuber). But the important is it changed me and made me look inside. The miracle cure came. Pain was gone. Instantly after a started to deal with a lot of problems. I spent 3 very zen months from July to September on 12. After that I cracked again, failed my exams again. Spent most of this year procrastinating, sleep and doing nothing. A lot of questions to deal with. What happened was that during those good months a shut the door on a lot too. I wanted to let go of my ego. What I was doing was trying to nullify myself. Those are not the same thing. What I was doing was using my spiritual journey as an excuse not to face my hardship in life. That’s actually How I find HE, searching for answers (egoless-how by theboss7607).
Don’t get me wrong, it was hell and some days it still is. But I’m grateful for my pain; you have to go through a lot a shit sometimes to wake up. It helped me heal many problems that were driving me crazy. I helped me find the meaning of spirituality. And now I feel like I have the tools to heal on my own.
Be strong man. It is not easy. At all. Just to remember what I went through makes me very emotional. But if you have faith you will find the way out. Be it what I pointed be it another thing. If you look forward to healing, the “miracle” will come. You will be amazed much like I was.
I wish my best, all the strength you need right now. Peace and light to you.