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Milo # Posted on August 25, 2012 at 7:08 pm

Kyle Koala was your seemingly average, loving marsupial. He was a peaceful creature who could often be found conversing with his marsupial buddies, snacking on the leaves of eucalyptus trees and exploring the world with an adolescent sense of wonder.

Indeed his actions could be attributed to a lapse of good judgment and an undeveloped frontal lobe in his brain, but what if the explanation is simpler than that? Koalas are fairly simple creatures with fairly simple emotions that can be evoked fairly easy, and just like other young animals, adolescent koalas emotions are fairly unbalanced. What if something happened to Kyle? What if one day, Kyle simply snapped?

Kyle awoke that morning and rolled off his hammock. He stretched, scratched an itch on his backside and wandered onto the balcony of his tree house to greet the early dawn. It was a new day, and Kyle felt great. He moseyed into the kitchen, poured a glass of orange juice and fixed himself a hearty bowl of eucalyptus leaves. After he’d devoured his breakfast and swallowed his ADHD medications Kyle cruised down from his tree to the forest floor below. He met up with his friends and they spent the rest of the day shooting dice and basking in the sun.

That evening Kyle returned to his house. He took a shower and prepared himself for the events to come. Him and the homies were hittin’ up the club scene and he had to get fresh. After taking a swagnificent shower and applying Old Spice to the underarms, Kyle went to select his footwear. As he laced up his pristine, white Nikes he checked out his reflection in the sliding glass door. He looked fresh. Hella fresh.

Then it happened. He noticed something stir in the darkness beyond the door and as he looked on a figure emerged out of the pitch black. He watched, as it pressed it’s horrible, disfigured face against the glass and smiled a wide, yellow-toothed grin that stretched from horn to horn. Pure terror shot through Kyle’s body as he starred into the sickly eyes of a goat. It starred back menacingly. Blood dripped from its unkempt hair and ears down to its horrible toothy grin that encompassed most of its face. The thing stood on two hoofed feet and had the torso of a well built man. Its hairy arms led to hoofed hands that it pressed against the glass. It starred down at Kyle with its vacant eyes and a smile that continued to stretch forever. The little marsupial had never felt so small. He looked back upon this figure of evil and could see its lack of respect for humanity and the well-being of others. Summoning the little courage he had, he asked, “What do you want?” The smiling goat looked at Kyle. It said nothing, only winked its right eye. And then, never breaking eye contact, it walked off into the night on its hoofed feet.

Kyle felt better as he stepped onto the dance floor at Club Primate. He had just eaten a burrito laced with the highest quality, medical grade ecstasy for medicinal reasons, and as the synthetic chemicals began to bind receptors in his brain, a heavy euphoria washed over the little marsupial’s body. The black lights illuminated the room and an eerie glow shined over a floor crowded with color changing chameleons and kangaroo prostitutes. It was wild. He lost all control and found himself grinding with a lady orangutan. The pulsing music synchronized with their gyrating hips and the little koala groped the unnamed ape with no thought of the deformed creature he’d seen earlier in the evening.

Kyle awoke the next day in an unknown hammock, in an unknown location, next to an unknown animal. He glanced over at the sleeping kangaroo and a sly grin crossed his fury face. “If you’re feeling like a pimp then go and brush your shoulders off”, he whispered under his breath.  He did just that and stretched contently. What an excellent night he’d had. Again he looked over at the motionless kangaroo. His gaze dipped down from her sleeping face, past her tiny kangaroo paws and came to rest on what should have been her kangaroo pouch. But the only thing there was a gaping hole and a bloody mess of fur. Kyle let out a horrified cry and put his paws to his to face to shield his eyes before letting out a long scream. His hands were covered in blood. Kangaroo blood.

Kyle continued to scream as he ran along the forest floor, back to his home, as fast as his little legs would take him. His pristine Nikes had become soiled and dirty but he could care less. He has just cut off a kangaroos pouch. Something was wrong with him.

He climbed the tree to his house and collapsed on the couch. The TV was on. Tired, confused and scared he numbly stared at the Teletubbies as they ran down a steep grassy hill. He heard a vacuum in the background and the look on the Teletubbies face was one of sheer terror. The vacuum grew louder. It was getting closer and the Teletubbies knew it. He watched as they ran in all directions, arms flailing, screaming at the top of their lungs. He watched as a new figure emerged on screen. He saw the horrible yellow grin and watched as the goat creature walked down the green hill, pushing a vacuum it clutched in its dirty hooves. Kyle Koalas blood ran cold. The goat creature grinned at him and Kyle starred into its vacant eyes.

“What are you doing Kyle” it asked in a low, monotone voice. “Watching PBS” replied the small marsupial, trying to sound as big as possible. The goat creature’s smile grew even bigger and it squinted its vacant eyes. “So go eat your ADHD medication”, it said.  And then it walked back over the hill, pushing the vacuum, trailing the Teletubbies. Kyle Koala sat there and then dumbfounded and deeply disturbed; he fell into an abysmal slumber.

Kyle Koala awoke the next day. He stretched, scratched an itch on his backside and wandered onto the balcony of his tree house to greet the early dawn. It was a new day, and Kyle felt great. He moseyed into the kitchen, poured a glass of orange juice and fixed himself a hearty bowl of eucalyptus leaves. After he’d devoured his breakfast, he swallowed his ADHD medication but something on the little orange pill bottle caught his eyes attention. It was a warning sticker and with closer inspection he discovered that it read, “Should not be taken with eucalyptus leaves. Side effects may occur”

Kyle Koala screamed a long scream.