Reply To: With every mundane wish granted, where do I go?

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Anonymous # Posted on June 3, 2012 at 8:17 pm

@lytning91, i’m absolutely thrilled to see that you’re interested in how i’m feeling today! i have a lot to say. i’ll be sure to use paragraphs this time:)

My day was filled with pleasantness. It seems like every moment i experience is different than one ive ever had even if ive done that particular activity thousands of times before. Theres always something new to take in. Then theres lots of experiences that bore me. For example, my coworker complaining about a new rust spot he found on his beloved Mercedes. Him enthusiastically showing it to me, me not having the energy to throw off his pretend identity by saying, “who cares?” and then having to explain why it doesn’t matter and instead just nodding and expressing my insincere condolence. I don’t mind participating in that type of small talk at all, its just that I don’t get anything out of it. I focus on customers. I try to make my brief interaction with them joyful. Sometimes, especially if they seem unhappy, I visualize my energy and love surrounding them in white light.

Sometimes I have a thought that reminds me that everything is an illusion. An illusion that I’m stuck in and I look around and feel afraid. I wonder, “what’s really going on?” Then ill let it go and move on to something else. Eventually during our shift my coworker forgot about his problems and we had fun together labeling all the items throughout the store “spaceballs pepperoni, spaceballs microwave, spaceballs maketable, spaceballs dishwasher” being able to act like a kid with Dan is why I love him. He is openly gay and pretty comfortable with who he is which makes it easy for him to let loose. We Dance and sing together. It’s easy to be my joyful self around him and pretty much everyone else I work with. It doesn’t feel like work it feels pretty effortless and fun like its just a place I go for 40 hours a week and hang out. It occurred to me today that maybe my life isn’t supposed to have that struggle that i explained in the post that i thought i needed, maybe I AM living with passion and Its ok for my mind to be at peace. (But then from what ive known of passion, it doesn’t feel mild like my feelings do)

I’ve lived so long with all the buzzing going on of daily troubles and worries and recently realizing that none of them matter has made a huge change in my thought processes. Maybe i was missing them? Or missing having something for my mind to do. It’s not like im unhappy with my life. Its just that people are social beings. They connect with eachother by talking and they talk about what they think about and most of the people i know think about their day to day struggles, which i don’t dwell on.

Really the only trouble is that sometimes I don’t know how to make genuine connections with people, aside from a few close friends and my family. I guess that does make me a bit self absorbed. I have trouble caring about the little things people complain about or feeling any empathy for them. I know theyre okay and their worries are just imaginary. And how can I not be self absorbed when my entire experience is filtered through my own brain which takes the information coming in and translates it in a way that i can understand. All I see and experience comes from my own brain. Same goes for everyone else and who’s to say that everyone else isn’t just as, if not more, self absorbed than I am? (Just like @mikeyw829 said. Also Mikey, thanks for sharing. i’m glad to know there’s people out there that can relate to this.) I’m not mean to people, I don’t ever ignore people in fact I do my best to love them. And I do love them, theyre all so unique and beautiful in their own way. I was reading about the difference between conditional and unconditional love a few days ago and how once the conditions are taken out, it’s so much easier to see the raw beauty of everyone and everything and appreciate it. haha. I’m feeling “fine” and i guess thats a bit boring compared to what I’ve been used to. All my life I’ve been used to feeling worried or excited or nervous or anything! All the time!

Thanks for reading:) you have no idea what it means to me to be able to share my thoughts in a place where they have a chance to be understood. i’m interested in hearing about how you feel too. it feels a bit awkward to talk so much about myself and i really don’t mean to come off as selfish or to offend anyone. thanks again.