I have to move.
My cat (who is so awesome) is leaving me.
My girlfriend is moving 2000 miles away.
She’s being impatient, upset, and angry at me during our last days together.
I have to move in with 3 strangers.
They don’t drink.
I have 100 dollars to my name.
My dad just got hip surgery.
He only calls me when he’s drunk now.
My mom is depressed and lonely.
The cat I grew up with is going to die soon.
I recently had a paranoid delusion and feel my friends think I’m nuts.
I have 4 more years of a PhD program in place I really detest.
I have a rash that is covering my whole body that I got just a week ago and have to take a ton of medication so I don’t itch till I bleed.
I have high blood pressure
I have to schedule 3 appointments in the next week for doctors, but I won’t have a car.
I spent the last month ignoring school so I could focus on my relationship with my girlfriend.
I’m very behind with it – and I don’t think she noticed a difference.
I haven’t done any work in lab when I had a lot of free time to do so, because I needed to relax.
Sometimes I just want to go sit under a tree for the whole fucking day, and just slowly walk away from all of it. Start building a cabin, start hugging some trees, drinking from streams, growing a garden full of everything imaginable. Hunting, fishing because I have to.
I’m going to be pulling my hair out pretty soon. I just want to chill. I just want to lay down and hang out. I just want to be loved and to love. I feel like this society is so hard for those things. We’re told how to love and what love is, rather than figuring it out. We’re told how to react to everything. We’re streamed with actors and animations on how we ‘should’ be. We become this masks of who we really are. Pulling these strings so everyone accepts us as a normal.
Its bogus. Its a bogus society. Its a bogus world.
But, in the end, the happiness is always there… just sitting, like a floating feather. Grab too quick and it slips through, let it come to you and .. yeah. Nice. :)
Well you’ve tried that way of life for a while, why not try the sitting under tree and drinking from streams way of life now? You can always return to your current way of life if you find that’s what you want, and finish your degree…. right? I don’t really know because I’ve never pursued that stuff, doesn’t make much sense to me. Life is long and varied. You are not trapped by any means. You can opt out and try something else.
Its a scary decision. So much in me says I can’t do that. That it would be wrong. That I would be disappointing people, letting people down. Myself included.
It would make me feel like I was ‘done’ so to speak. That I wouldn’t be learning any more, that life would plateau, and I’d have to be content with my knowledge and understanding of things. I don’t like that feeling either…
It is always there… but fuck it, move to Brazil :)
I agree with what Ellie said. “life is long and varied”.
So sorry about the cat.
Honestly, I feel like that is a major point. Me and this cat are like brothers. I know him and he knows me. I annoy him and he annoys me. I know how he likes to be pet, brushed, what games he likes to play, and how to make him happy!
And, him being a cat, knows how to get me to do those things… He’s a buddy, and I’m worried he’s going to miss me…
I second what Ellie said. Perhaps your distress is a sign to time try something else for a while, something that will give you that sense of freedom you seem to be craving. Your hesitation is perfectly understandable, but what difference does it make when you get your PhD, especially if you’re pursing it for your own interests rather than for career-related outcomes? As long as you know you’re not done, that’s all that matters–don’t worry about disappointing anyone else.
Not to mention everything that you could potentially learn from living another way of life.
I can sympathize, though. My mom is an alcoholic and it’s surprising when she calls me when she’s sober (see also: hardly ever). I feel like I’m in a rut with my own life right now. My boyfriend and I haven’t been getting along. I’m temporarily back in my hometown and I already feel like I’ve been here too long. Life feels more cagey and stressful here.
I really hope things look up for you soon.