Advice for letting go of the past

wayner (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago

Does anyone have advice of letting go of the past, in particular a girl? Anything is appreciated.

February 26, 2013 at 7:46 pm
Nick (554) (@splashartist) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

just let go of it. The answer could not be more simple. If you want a more complicated answer I cannot give you one that doesn’t lead to letting go.

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Anonymous (214) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, well the most obvious thing I can recommend is to move onto another girl. If she’s a good one that should override whatever feelings you are currently experiencing towards the old one

Unfortunately you’ll probably feel crappy until you do find another good one. This could last anywhere from a week to multiple years depending on how you handle yourself

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Tay (3) (@notsocleverusername) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, Having just gone through this myself, I know it sucks.

It’s always great to consider that sometimes we fall in love with the idea of having a person around and not the person as they are. Sometimes, we crave the idea of companionship and intimacy and we’ll make a person into more than what they really are. Best thing you can do is drown yourself in friends, family, and things you love to do. Stay busy.

That, and gym it up. The gym is great for life’s frustrations.

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wayner (6) (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@justinr, I recently tried to start things with another girl and she is a great girl but I kept feeling held back. I did not want to enter a relationship as a distraction because to me that does not fix the problem it only masks it. Also it would not be far to the second girl.

@notsocleverusername, I like this girl for who she is but I also accept the fact that I may be holding her up on a pedestal. One of my hobbies is rock climbing, at my schools rec center, but she works there. Climbing helps me to focus on what is going on at that moment and let go of everything else but with her there it does not help. I will try to surround myself with friends and do other things.

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Álex Pimienta (11) (@vertigen) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

I recently had to deal with something like that.
I can give you only a couple of advices. First, keep yourself busy as much as you can, exercise a bit if you don’t do it already, read a lot, learn something new, research something you might need for work, I don’t know, just keep your mind busy for a long as possible. Last but not least, keep yourself close to your friends and family but try not to talk about the situation unless you really feel the urge to. Don’t alienate yourself, enjoy their company.

Just be patient.

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Anonymous (214) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, sorry I tried to clarify by saying a “good” one, not the “next” one.

A good one: a girl you genuinely love to be with and is absolutely what you long to have. You are right in that a temporary and random distraction won’t help

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wayner (6) (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

Bb @splashartist, I have tried just letting go but I am an introvert and like to sit and think occasionally. But I will give it another go.

@vertigen, I agree with the need to keep busy and not alienate myself. Maybe focusing on the alienation, something i struggle with, aspect will help keep me busy.

@justinr, it’s all good man

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, it’s tough at first but it gets easier and a lot more sooner than later, you feel fine again. Around a year ago I was in the same situation, and had been for a lousy six years that I now wish I could get back. Then over the course of mere months I met not one but three girls who were much better for me than the one I had been putting on a pedestal, as you say. I found them more interesting, conversation flowed easier, we had more in common, and they were prettier too. Granted nothing happened with them, but the point is, I now KNEW that there were girls out there who were better for me, I had concrete proof that they existed and I had been wrong the whole time about the one I made such a big deal about. It made me realize that we didn’t have as much in common as I would have liked, and that conversations with her weren’t as interesting as I told myself. And on top of that, I realized the whole situation wasn’t even making me happy, I wasn’t in love with the actual person – just my idea of who I thought they were. After that, letting go was easy.

Also, journalling helped as well. I wrote out my feelings from start to finish about the first girl, and it let me see how I got all my wrong ideas and how one thing led to the next. Seeing it all also helped me realize it wasn’t fun or healthy, and made me feel good about letting go. When something bugs you, write it out of your system – I think it works wonderfully.

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wayner (6) (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@theskafish, I will keep a look out for the type of girls you described. I understand that there are better ones out there. I just need to experience it to make it concrete. Like @vertigen said I just need to be patient.

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Heed them, HEthen (91) (@heedthem) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, Well sir I think many of us can say we have been in a break up where it hurt afterwards. Honestly there isn’t a magic recipe, pretty much what everyone has been saying is the only answer.

However, I could probably add something. As an introvert I’m pretty familiar with the thought processes and know how difficult it can be to separate yourself from them. It’s your saving grace and you use it as a tool to understand the world around you (at least for me.)

So really, the best thing I can say is, whatever you do, don’t just completely mask the problem. You don’t want to just simply “forget” it unless it is just too unbearable to wear it on your shoulders all the time.

What I mean is make sure to let yourself feel the feelings all the way. Don’t hold back. There’s no reason to. If you want to cry in private, let yourself cry in private. If you want to write some shitty songs about it, do it. As you do your work outs, don’t just hum it out in your brain.

Hold it, feel the heaviness in your heart and the physical ache in your chest.

And when you’re alone and mentally alert (and it would definitely benefit you to have a slowed heartbeat), just sit there and observe your feelings. Don’t embellish the thoughts. Just allow them to run through your head and allow yourself to feel them. Do that for 5-10 minutes uninterrupted.

This will aid a quick healing time. When you do this, you allow to see if for the truth and not skewed by victimizing thoughts. You understand it for the emotional path that it took, and that you ache, but it allows you to leave the delving of emotions that make it so unbearable. It makes you remember how young you are and how insignificant this will be once you survive it, and even moreso with the years following

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wayner (6) (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@heedthem, I use my introversion in the same manor as you. It seems, from what you are saying, is to allow the all the feelings, the good and bad, flow out of me instead of damming them behind walls and trying to forget about it. I will definitely give it a go. Thanks man

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Heed them, HEthen (91) (@heedthem) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, Fosho
That is precisely what I mean. Do all of the activities the other people mentioned, but just let it flow through you. Otherwise it will nag and nag and nag and you’ll remove yourself from the now. And the only place left to go will be your head, and what’s in your head? All that pain and self-defeating talk.

You need to let yourself feel it out. That’s why people can’t get over people for so long partially. They compare themselves to other people and how quickly they got over it, and feel like that’s a standard or something. How does that apply to you? It just means maybe you cared about them more, is that bad?

Essentially what I described to you is meditation. Definitely try it as often as you can have patience for. It will allow a clarity of mind and not this fog of pain. It will feel more like a raw ache in the chest rather than a haziness. That’s feeling your pain in the present rather than wallowing in it and causing further stress.

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Heed them, HEthen (91) (@heedthem) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

When you delve, you remove your ability to have a good day. Before, it’s you too wrapped up and getting angry at outside distractions (like someone at the gas station nicely asking how you are) from your self-reflection. It can warp your perception. If you’re really in it, your brain might go: “Fuck that guy, of course he can be happy. he probably has a girlfriend at home. He doesn’t understand this shit”, which is really very slanted and probably wrong.

But if you allow the clarity without embellishment, you might end up a quick convo where the gas station guy relates with you and helps you feel better and makes your whole day easier.

Really, state of mind is the crux of your experience of every moment

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wayner (6) (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@heedthem, it is funny you say that because that is exactly what I do. I compare myself with others without understanding the self I am comparing. I believe meditation will help in this area. I have dabbled in meditation but usually do not have a true reason to do it other than it relaxes me. I did not think of using it to experience release built up feelings. I will give it a go

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Alex (345) (@staylucky) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@justinr, “well the most obvious thing I can recommend is to move onto another girl.”

That is hands down, without question, the worst advice I have ever seen posted on this website.

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Heed them, HEthen (91) (@heedthem) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, That’s really awesome man
Sorry they were so lengthy
I just feel like if you think exactly the same way I do, which I often share with introverts, it’s pretty similar to this.
When you can find the way in BELIEVING you will eventually feel better, you will feel a lot of relief. All this extra tension besides the raw ache is just pretense; you projecting

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apricelessgoat (34) (@aworthlessgoat) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, I’m tired of hearing the same old advice. Work out, start a new hobby, keep busy, read, spend time with friends. NO SHIT. These are things you do anyways. AND it isn’t getting you what you want. What you want is to be strong again. You want to be fine without her. They only way you can be that is just to be it.

Think about it man, if you see her again, if you got a second chance to be with her, would you want to be weak and needy? NO. That would only drive her away again. If you met some brilliant new girl would you want to be bogged down by your baggage from a past relationship? NO. Get over it. It’s the only way to get what you want. Weakness and holding on to the past will not get you what you want.

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apricelessgoat (34) (@aworthlessgoat) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@staylucky, really? why?

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Heed them, HEthen (91) (@heedthem) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@aworthlessgoat, I think you’re totally right
But I also think you can’t rush it, because it’ll be a lie
You gotta “just get over it”, but get over it at your own pace.
The other “same old advice” are just supposed to be tools to help ease the pain till you can be genuinely strong

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Alex (345) (@staylucky) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@aworthlessgoat, Because moving on does nothing to aid in personal growth. Moving on can have many reasons, but regardless of what they are it obviously implies that you liked this person or that they liked you, but it’s come to the point where one of you no longer has that desire (or if it was in the form of rejection then perhaps someone was never interested).’

You don’t replace someone because hurting or feeling like crap and dwelling on shit sucks. You break it down, work out what went wrong, why things went the way they did and you use it to pick yourself up and dust yourself off.

When you’re in a fragile state you’re a lot more likely to cling to someone for the sake of comfort and safety rather than genuine desire. You need to allow the crumbled wall to be rebuilt before you go finding someone else. Because not only does finding someone new do nothing in helping you grow, but it’s a massive fuck over to the person who’s in a perfectly clear headspace and just genuinely likes you.

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Nick (554) (@splashartist) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@wayner, You cannot try to let go, you can only let go(even this really isnt true because theres nothing really to let go of). Trying to let go suggests that there is something you are holding on to. This means that there is an illusionary ‘I’ that is holding on to something which is where the suffering comes in. By letting go I don’t mean to try to do anything, rather fully experience the moment as it is and to ‘let go’ into it. Letting go of the false identity holding this image that there is something to let go of which in actuality what ‘it’ is holding onto is just another thought. Just become aware of the awareness itself.

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Anonymous (214) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@staylucky, just because you cannot relate to a concept, does not in any way shape or form mean others won’t

Maybe you should worry less about what others post, and at least continue in helping us find multiple solutions.

FACT: I was very depressed after breaking up a relationship that lasted 2 years. I remained in this state until I met an awesome girl who showed me that my life wasn’t over.

^is the above experience invalid because it wasn’t yours?

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wayner (6) (@wayner) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@staylucky, I agree. I believe that there is something to be learned from every situation in life and if I look at it through that type of lens it will help.

@heedthem, it’s all good man. I have come to realize the first step is believing something, whether it be that I am happy or successful etc.. It starts with your perspective.

@aworthlessgoat, I agree but if so many different minds come to the same conclusion then there must be some truth in it. I agree however that “Weakness and holding on to the past will not get you what you want.”

@splashartist, I belive that is what @heedthem was saying about the meditation. It is an interesting concept and will explore it further.

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Anonymous (50) (@) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

Time. Knowing that time will usually get rid of it tends to help. I’m sure someones gonna suggest moving on but that never seems to work.

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apricelessgoat (34) (@aworthlessgoat) 8 years, 9 months ago ago

@heedthem, Yeah you can’t rush it.
@wayner Another thing that is important, is to maintain no contact with this particular women until you are absolutely sure you’re strong again. If you think you’re ready send her a text or a quick phone call just to test the waters. Don’t bring up the past. Don’t argue or try to talk about getting back together. Just say hi, how are you and leave it at that.

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