Always a bit restless

Renee (@themorning) 10 years, 3 months ago

I am absurdly lucky, and I love my life. I have amazing friends, live close to the ocean in an abundance of sunshine, and rarely do I feel bored. I work daily to improve myself, and have a fulfilling spiritual life. I meditate, learn, and grow every day. I play a lot. I’m working toward certain goals and have a solid grasp on my morals and ideals. I accept the unknown, and look positively at change. But there is still a nagging feeling. It’s always been around, I can’t get rid of it. It’s like some kind of annoying friend you can’t figure out how to properly dispose of. It’s the feeling of restlessness.

I’ve tried to analyze this feeling, tried to squish it, form it into a thing I can recognize, a thing I can define and deal with. I’m all about accepting certain feelings and emotions and moving on, but this one has been around for my entire life. It’s not overly negative, though it often contributes to frustration. Sometimes it causes me extreme confusion. I feel sections of my brain being pulled apart in different directions, and I can’t seem to make sense of the scramble. When this feeling gets bad enough, I’ll get overly indecisive (which I am not), to the point where I will have many things I could potentially be working on, but instead I wander around the house or sit in a state of confusion, trying to make up my mind. When it’s at its worst, I can barely think.

No options sound like the right one. There is nothing I want to do, but at the same time don’t want to do just nothing. It’s kind of like, there is one particular thing I should be doing at that moment but I can’t find it. And sometimes I will hone in on one thing and I end up feeling like I’m neglecting some other part of my life, or some other project. I quit jobs, move around, and change up what I am doing often. Countless times, I will start a project with solid intentions to finish it. THIS TIME I WILL. I WILLLLL.

And then I don’t. I would say I usually get about 70% of the way in. Maybe I am too stuck on the original idea, and of course nothing comes out exactly like the original idea.

Maybe, JUST MAYBE, I’m in fact an 8-week old kitten and can’t do anything for longer than 3 seconds.

I can confidently assert that I am MOST interested in writing, but even this causes me confusion. Which part do I focus on? Should I do journaly type writing like this? Do I write about my favorite subjects like mind, consciousness, the universe? Should I practice my article-writing skills so I can build my portfolio, in an attempt to break myself out of the job cycle and do something I love from anywhere in the world?

I get very ahead of myself often. I think, Oh I want to try that! I want to learn about that! I want to read about/write about/draw/talk about that! I start many, many art projects, writings, and ideas, most of which are shunned to the corner of my mind until I can get back to them… which is never. Perhaps all of those sad, lonely, unfinished ideas are starting to talk over there in the corner, getting angry, formulating a riot, like they have the right to be finished. HOW DARE THEY!

I’m going to try four things:

1.Meditate when the feeling gets overly frustrating.

2.Go back and pick up a couple of my unfinished art projects until they are complete. My main concern: Is this really beneficial if I’m forcing myself into it, when I would rather be doing something else?

3.Pick one subject that relates to my goals and learn the shit out of it, until there is nothing left to learn except for that which experience will bring.

4.Remove myself from life for a bit. I’m going camping for 3 days this weekend. Fingers crossed that the trees will lend me their wisdom.

Any wisdom from you HEthens?

sorry so long :p

October 4, 2011 at 11:49 pm
R.V. Star (151) (@rickvonstar) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

I spend at least a half hour to an hour every day just sitting and doing absolutely nothing. Just staring at the wall or ceiling or whatever.

Seriously, try doing nothing and feeling good about it. Works for me.

I catch my self thinking “I need time today to do nothing” and then I laugh.

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Renee (71)C (@themorning) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

I actually have been thinking about doing this. You’ve convinced me :)

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R.V. Star (151) (@rickvonstar) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

Also:

Go run or exercise a lot until you are so tired you don’t want to move. Then you probably won’t feel restless

I get the exact feeling you describe if I don’t exercise. I’ll just stay awake and I have to force myself to stop working on “things” and instead go to sleep.

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Andrew (2) (@tw0str0ke) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

I enjoyed reading that. I’ve no wisdom to give, but you should keep writing.

You have a lot of talent and seem to have good grasp on your reality.

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Sam Frens (39) (@sfrens) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

I seriously feel you on that one, I frequently become restless, not just with the way my life is but where I am and what I am doing. I have a constant struggle to keep on bettering myself and trying new things but at the same time I try and slow my life down. I once heard a quote, “The opposite of the truth is a lie, but the opposite of a profound truth is another profound truth”. I see this every single day. I think it brings to light the idea of balance, I being a restless person believe that it is the best option because I want to be a grandpa and have all of these amazing stories, I want to become a learned man. But at the same time I find happiness in solitude and slowing my life down. It’s all in the balance, it’s all about BEing whatever you choose while you’re DOing what you choose (:

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Renee (71)C (@themorning) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

That’s a great quote, Sam. I definitely think keeping balance is important. It’s tweaking and fine-tuning all sides, tipping the scales until everything feels perfectly fitted and with the right weight.


@Andrew
Thank you! :)

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Andrew (4) (@delsol) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

Sounds to me like you might be a bit of a perfectionist. The reason I say this is because I think I might be and I can empathize with a lot of what you’re going through. I love everything about life and I believe I have a lot of creative potential, but I always find myself unsatisfied with my work to the point where I rarely finish.

I also always have a nagging feeling in the back of my mind that what I’m doing or where I’m at isn’t “the best” path to be on. It’s really annoying because I don’t believe that a “best path” necessarily exists, but I can’t make the feeling go away.

Sounds like you’ve got some pretty good plans lined up though, let me know if it works out.

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paul peden (16) (@paul2) 10 years, 3 months ago ago

i agree, work out as much as you can its as great for the psyche as it is for the body.

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Alex Eastman (71) (@alex) 7 years, 7 months ago ago

I agree with Andrew, you seem like a perfectionist. Instead of perfecting something, though, once it becomes different than the ‘idea’ in your head, you drop it.

“The curse of life is the curse of want.” You probably want something. That something may be to perfect those ideas, or simply to find what you want. You can’t find what you want until you try new things, so I suggest you try different writing styles, try to find a career as a writer, etc. If you dont like it, try another field. You’ll find your niche eventually, it may just take time.

I like the idea of meditating when you get frustrated, that way you may find out exactly what is frustrating you and why.

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