An Apology and Confession From the 17 Y/o Behind Thomaschong/Kniphofia
“You’re too smart for your own good”
My brother, an intensely aware and beautiful person said
that to me the other day after finding out about some choices I’ve made in my
We’ve had an odd relationship. I’m an odd person.
Everyone wants to be special, we’re told we are as children,
but the majority of Americans grow up to be a member of the majority of
Americans. The 99% go to work every day, and have families. Typical
middle-class American children are told they are special because their parents
have the evolutionary instinct to train their children to have a strong frame
for their reality.
If a child is told it’s better than its peers by its caretakers
and protectors whose every statement they believe, it will manifest that belief
through its willpower and luck or come to turns with the seemingly apparent
realization that it isn’t in fact special.
But evolution weeds out what doesn’t work, and if a parent
just has the intuition to tell their child that they are special without the
real belief that their child truly is different from the children of other
parents the child will have a higher chance of picking up on that doubt and
adding maybe to the idea “I’m special”. Questioning something you believe in
will either lead to you altering your beliefs or stopping your questions. So
parents see this being of random genes and mistake its difference from other
children as superiority. Every parent would give their child opportunities before
another and every parent would think they deserve it. Every parent truly believes
their child is special, mine included.
Growing up is altering your beliefs in order to gain power
in the world, when you’re a kid everything makes sense and everything is given
to you, but the more you grow the more complexities you perceive and the more
you have to take in order to survive without your parents help.
How do children deal with the belief that they are special?
Well, our culture encourages lying to our children, everyone loved believing in
Santa Clause and the Easter Bunny, but this ultimately leads to the realization
that you cannot trust your parents, and that they are just like everyone else,
human. Most people do not feel contempt for their parents for telling them
about Santa, but it’s still a harsh fact to know that even the person who
created you isn’t honest with you all the time.
But while a child is can never prove the existence of the
Easter Bunny, they know for a fact that people can be special, we see
celebrities, athletes, and politicians held on a platter above everyone else.
The entire world gives them love because they think they know them. If you saw any
celebrity on the train but weren’t aware of their fame you wouldn’t love them
or talk to them as if they were above you. But because of their power they are
able to tell the world about themselves in a way that only paints what’s best
about them. So we give our children the idea that if they want to be loved they
need power, nobody loves the homeless man on a train but if he were revealed to
be Tupac the world would bend over to feed him and care for him simply because he
created something they enjoyed and they feel a connection to him.
But a kid perceives only the attention and material
possession that comes with power. So this is what they desire. Most politicians
wants power for control, most children want power attention and shiny things.
All children desire it and they all take different paths to get it. Some search
for power in force, others in friendship, others in cliques and teams, some in
knowledge, some in athletics, and some in talent.
When I was young in preschool, I didn’t desire any power,
all I wanted was to hang out with my preschool friends, and I was good at
making friends, all I had to do was walk up to kids and ask “Do you want to be
friends” and I never got a no.
But I went to preschool and kindergarten in a private Lutheran
school that was very close to my house but too expensive to keep me in through
middle school, so I transferred to Newberry Academy, where almost every other
kid had been since their preschool years. I was the odd one out, I didn’t have
any talents and didn’t see myself as cool or particularly smart so I memorized
some facts and practiced the art of bullshitting to maintain the persona as the
smartest kid in class. I would try to impress my class mates by saying “ask me
anything” then making up an answer. I was good enough at it to fool adults as
well, but they were the only ones who appreciated my false intelligence. Not to
say I was stupid, but I was no child prodigy.
So I alienated my classmates by acting better than them,
nobody likes that kid, but I thought they didn’t like me because I was a nerd,
I’ve never had more than a handful of close friends at any time in my life so I
decided to transfer schools in the 5th grade.
In the 6th grade I was overweight and extremely self-conscious
due to never fitting in. But that was my fault; I acted weird for attention but
then regretted it as soon as I faded from my classmates minds. Around this time
my interests began to shift, I was interested in drugs and counterculture because
I felt like I would be accepted by the weird characters in movies like Cheech
and Chong, Fear and Loathing, and Fritz the Cat. But none of my school mates in
the 6th grade thought of drugs as anything more than something
stupid people do. So I started writing stories of the life I wished I had on a
website called highdeas I had heard about on tosh.0, my character slowly
morphed into an amalgamation of all my counterculture heroes and my writing
began to improve.
Soon I was spending more time online as this character than
I was as myself, he was my whole life. I would live for the comments on the
pieces I wrote, complimenting my writing and false experinces. So I kept
pushing the envelope, I put hours of work into making sure that there were no
holes in my stories and making sure my information was accurate enough to support my fiction, I knew my characters entire life, I had a mental image of
his house, his friends, he was who I wanted to be, an alternative ego. But as my lies stacked and my fame rose I
began feeling guilt.
I was starting to slow down my writing and focus on my guitar playing and art work when I got an opportunity
to have a piece about tripping DMT for 24 hours straight I wrote published on
this website I knew I should have come clean with the truth or said no, but I
couldn’t resist being recognized for something I made when nobody else in my
real life did. I couldn’t show any of my friends the character I made; they’d
know I was a liar. I couldn’t tell anyone on the internet who I really was,
they’d know I was just a 15 year old kid who had never even tripped. But I was
failing school, had no talent other than writing storys about doing drugs, and
didn’t have any friends other than the ones on the internet who thought I was
But I created disinformation and lied to beautiful people
who gave me an opportunity. This is something that I can never forgive myself
for without coming clean. It was a 15 year olds mistake but I could still have
hurt someone who used that information. That story is fiction. I was a liar. I deleted my highdeas and
highexistence account but that didn’t delete that story. So I need to come
clean about the disinformation I created.
I apologize to Jordan Lejuwaan and anybody else who trusted me. I am ashamed that my ego had enough power over my actions to
compel me to be dishonest to any one of the residents or creators most open minded and beautiful websites
on the internet.
asking for forgiveness from any of you, I don’t deserve it, but the truth needs to be known so I can forgive myself and move on to the next chapter of my life.
Thanks for coming clean man, I appreciate it, it shows character. :) I always treated your posts with a healthy dose of skepticism, as fiction even. They were good reads tho, I have to admit that. And being able to create such a personality shows great creativity. However, doing this to get attention will not get you the respect you deserve. Attention won’t bring you anything you value. Getting your own shit together first will bring you immense value. Message me if you need any help.
I remember those stories… each more ridiculous than the last. I assumed my role at HE as someone who actually had some experience with psychedelics. I spent a lot of time here trying to relate to other people’s drug experiences and figure out what it could all mean. I took your stories as a mockery of what is a serious dedication to other people like me. I remember being shocked at the time that such bullshit was allowed to be published on the site, as creative as it was. It had entertainment value, but I think it further confused people looking to get into psychedelics and understanding themselves.
Thanks for the courage to admit it now, but still sickening to me. I’m sure there are many other authors out there lying in the same way to get attention, acceptance or $. Not that anyone’s perfect… we all have insecurities that manifest in manipulative ways. I appreciate you showing vulnerability, I think we all could be more accepting of that.
I don’t remember you ever defending your stories as fact. I remember you, at least in the latest instance simply stating “take it for what you will”. Which, more or less, told anyone with a mind they shouldn’t take it seriously.
I hope nothing happened that you’re aware of.
I had a long discussion on psychonaut.com with a person who took DMT for the first time, without much experience with any other drug. He kept reiterating that he was seeing machine elves and gnomes in real life. He told me he truly believed that this reality didn’t make any sense, and that the DMT realm was real. He continued to ask for help, all the while pushing anyone who disagreed with him away.
Our discussion went on for days, it was multiple pages long, nearly reaching double digits when he went silent. The last thing I told him was to stop being an idiot and asking for attention. I told him he can’t possibly believe the lies he’s spewing on here, and still be able to function in normal, waking life.
Months went by and I forgot about the discussion. Then, someone made an account, and commented on the page.
“He killed himself about 2 months ago.”
I don’t really know what I believe of that. I don’t know how that person found that thread, or if that person really committed suicide. I didn’t talk to anyone that day. I knew what that kid was going through and I knew the fear and the pain he was bearing, but I couldn’t get him to come to my side of the perspective, and I couldn’t help him.
I think the point of this is that the internet can be a crucial leverage point for people in need. Psychedelics are a gravitational point for psychosis, and answers to debilitating existential crises. I don’t think that false information, and any lack of caring are something to be tolerated, especially when the ultimate intent is to help.
I’m not sure what else to say at this point.
@ijesuschrist, “He told me he truly believed that this reality didn’t make any sense, and that the DMT realm was real.”
That reminds me of an experience I had, several years ago now in 2007 or 2008 I believe. I barely had any experience with any substance at all, I wasn’t even drinking all that much back then. It was a cold night and I was outside smoking weed with my friends, I didn’t have anything else that I recall. And all the sudden, I started trembling almost uncontrollably, and I was really gone. I thought I had really done it this time, I had really damaged my brain, I had permanently knocked the chemicals in there out of balance or something. I was afraid I was going to be high for the rest of my life. I felt like one of those old divers that’s attached to the ship by a long chain, and the link between me and the ship had been cut, and I would not be able to find my way back. That was the image in my head at the time. I also was convinced that I was just a character in someone else’s dream and my world their dreamscape, and that when they woke up, me and my entire world would instantly wink out of existence. Though I was at my friend’s house that I’d been to many times, I had no sense of direction and there was no way I could have found my way home that night.
A couple years later during one of my handfuls of shrooms trips, I felt like my mind had been completely wiped. I forgot my own name and personal info, speaking English seemed foreign to me, my entire past life felt like it was a dream and that everything outside of the room I was in was an illusion. I had no concept of time. Hours felt like days, and the sun just wouldn’t come up. I don’t know why all of my trips have been at night, it’s not the best. Another time, I thought I had been attacked by invisible people and killed, but that my mind was somehow going on and I had blocked the whole incident because it was too traumatic.
Anyway, the point I’m trying to make about all this is that yeah, sometimes trips can be really intense and mess with one’s sense of reality where this world doesn’t make sense. It can be very convincing, if you’re not experienced. I hope nothing really happened to that guy in the thread you were talking about, though. I guess it’s all a case in point of how we need as much good info, and as little misinformation, as possible on this topic.
Hey, glad you’re still around.
Don’t trip at night, lots of us don’t get good sleep and don’t really realize it. Without a proper balance of neurotransmitters, shit can get weird. Sleep helps this, so don’t take psychoactives at a time you’d normally be sleeping or tired.
Hey! I’d been laying low online for a while.
Anyway. I’ll keep that in mind if and when I get the chance to trip again. I am still going on the whole no-smoking thing, but remain open to psychedelics such as mushrooms, acid, and I’ve always wanted to try mescaline/peyote. I guess I’d always done them at night, because that’s when I was hanging out. But yeah, I definitely could get better sleep…I’m probably over-caffeinated and I used to stay up waaaaay late.
I’ve always wanted to trip in the day though, in the sun. Preferably in the spring or summer when things are in bloom, though the fall leaves could be really nice too. Just not dark and not winter, though I saw some pretty shimmering patterns on the snow on a night walk/microdose.
But yeah….nice to see you’re still here too :)
“I’ve always wanted to trip in the day though, in the sun. Preferably in the spring or summer when things are in bloom, though the fall leaves could be really nice too. Just not dark and not winter,”
If you’re anything like me, I highly recommend this. The sun brings such a greater sense of happiness and security. I can imagine staring at the stars at night would be wonderful, but the cold and the dark tend to overshadow that…
And mescaline! Wow its such a great thing :D
Man, I wish you’d have never come clean, I really loved your stories and your character. Nobody would have ever found out if you wouldn’t have come clean. People lie and make things up every day, what’s the big deal, that’s the karma of our human lives.
Anyway, sometimes it’s better not to know the truth and that would have applied in this matter to me.
Well, I have to say this is an interesting turn of events. I always viewed those stories with some skepticism, but with some belief as well. You told your stories with such detail it sounded like they had to come from real-life experiences. For all I knew, you were indeed Thomas Chong – I know little about him, so I couldn’t say you weren’t. At the very least, you seemed like you could have passed for a 60-70 something year old hippie who was there since the beginning, and could have cultivated the contacts needed to give you the highly potent psychedelics you described.
I have had a few psychedelic trips under my belt, not a lot, but some and I have to say that when I read some of your stories and how you described your trips so vividly, it made me think that I had not taken a strong enough dose, had not taken them enough, gotten really weak psychs, or was somehow preparing or ingesting it wrong. My trips were nowhere near like how you described, where your basement became another dimension and things like that. My trips were more of moods….for example, I didn’t see reptilian monsters but if someone asked me how I felt, I felt reptilian. I felt like a slinking gecko, I felt like a powerful dragon. I saw mandalas spinning and moving around on the floor. But not entire worlds. And also, like others have said – there is so much misinformation about psychedelics out there giving them a bad name already and has been for a long time now, so the last thing we need for legalization and legitimacy is more misinformation that makes psychs look dangerous. So I guess I have to fault you a little for spreading misinformation in that regard.
However, I always did enjoy your stories, even if they were tall tales. On at least one occasion I remember messaging you to ask for more. It’s just too bad they aren’t true. I bear you no ill will, and strongly think you should pursue writing both as a hobby and as a career. Best of luck to you,