I was around 13 when a psychiatrist finally gave it a name. Depersonalization disorder–in less than an hour, I had an answer to everything I had been feeling. It was just a simple anomaly of self-awareness. Nothing a little prozac couldn’t cure…
I never took the pills. Instead, I found ways to convince myself that what I saw, heard, or felt, was just a part of my imagination. My brain was simply playing tricks on me–the halos I saw around my friends and family, the shadows, whispers, the hum of silence, my unconscious emotional response to certain locations and objects, and the continuous feeling that I was never alone…were all in my head.
Looking back I have to give myself a pat on the back. The Academy Award for most convincing internal monologue goes to me. I played the role so well, that I actually stopped noticing the majority of my “abnormal feelings,” my panic attacks stopped, and I felt happily “cured.”
Until about a year ago, when all the pretending came back to bite me in the ass. It started with intense sadness, and a desperate need to make amends to the people I had hurt. After a couple of months in hypnotherapy I came to the conclusion that the remorse I felt was not from this lifetime. That’s when everything changed.
My heart grew bigger. I felt an immense amount of compassion, empathy, love, anger, sadness for myself, for other people, and for the world. Like a dog, I began sensing what the people around me were feeling. I became a stranger-hugger. I started wanting to help everyone feel better–I began brainstorming ways to save humanity, plants, trees, dogs, cats, and spiders. I became obsessed with understanding who I am and why I here. I even quit my job, and I began seeing a reiki master, collecting crystals, and speaking with angels.
The most recent wave of events began about a month ago when I attended a chakra balancing singing bowls concert. The two hour concert concluded in, what seemed like, a minute or two. I walked away with a whole new perception of reality. I felt more “depersonalized” than I had ever felt before, but it felt good. I felt connected–from my root chakra to god. The “psychic” gifts of my childhood came back in full-force and I was excited…I was excited to become closer to god, I loved the recurring coincidences, I savored the relaxation brought by higher vibrations, I felt closer to find my life purpose than ever before, and I couldn’t wait to begin changing the world.
I guess I should have remembered that with light, comes dark. If angels and spirit guides are real, cursed spirits and demons must also be real…
Here’s my question:
Do you feel haunted too? Can you sense the positive and negative emotions that exist in every room? Do you sometimes feel the loving caress of a guardian angel on one cheek, and the breath of a demon on the other? Do you wake up in the middle of the night, heart pounding, gasping for air? When you get out of bed at night…do you feel shivers up and down your body? Is this part of the process? Or am I crazy?
This has been a fascinating read : lookin up depersonalisation disorder got me stumbling into meditation, ego death, psychedelics and other psychoastronautical interests of mine. Do I ever feel a keen sense of energy : both positive and negative. Unfortunately it comes in rare waves of ” sudden “awaremess”. I feel like I’m getting to anew Internal renaissance of my own , similar to what you described that made you even quit your job.
I have a question for YOU (and others). Depersonalisation disorder sounds like it’s shrouded in so much scientific negativity and ignorance. Am I the only one who feels like this is the very same ego death and intense insight that many HEthens actively seek? What is the difference between these two phenomena – why should I fear one and seek the other?
Well, the difference is, the brains of people with a depersonalisation disorder function differnetly then the of “healthy” people:
Not much is known about the neurobiology of depersonalization disorder; however, there is converging evidence that the prefrontal cortex may inhibit neural circuits that normally form the substrate of emotional experience.A PET scan found functional abnormalities in the visual, auditory, and somatosensory cortex, as well as in areas responsible for an integrated body schema. In an fMRI study of DPD patients, emotionally aversive scenes activated the right ventral prefrontal cortex. Participants demonstrated a reduced neural response in emotion-sensitive regions, as well as an increased response in regions associated with emotional regulation. In a similar test of emotional memory, depersonalization disorder patients did not process emotionally salient material in the same way as did healthy controls. In a test of skin conductance responses to unpleasant stimuli, the subjects showed a selective inhibitory mechanism on emotional processing.
<div>The problem is, you feel detached from your body, which sounds good at first for us, but you are running at risk of discarding the importance of your body to your thinking and your health. Victims fail to show a “fight or flight” reaction in life threatening situations. They have a high risk of self harm if suffering from depressions (which have a much higher chance of happening with this disorder).</div><p style=”margin-top: 0.5em; margin-bottom: 0.5em; line-height: 22.3999996185303px; color: rgb(37, 37, 37); font-family: sans-serif; font-size: 17.5px; font-style: normal; font-variant: normal;”>
Whatever you do, don’t allow anyone to convince you that your brain is some broken marshmallow that leaves you at a lower level of functioning than everyone else. Don’t accept the word “crazy”. Trust yourself over a psychiatrist and be a scientist of your own self. In my opinion, most of what we call disorders are actually higher levels of brain functioning, but disruptive to the status quo so even though taking them seriously would help humanity progress it’s more comfortable to write someone like you off as unreal and silence you with drugs. There are many highly respected people with credentials (not that that means much really) who would be accepting of the mystical implications of your experience. Formal science is so limited, manipulated and censored in order for humanity to feel like they have a grasp of reality, and more often than not to sell products.
Children see these things all the time. The less your inner experience is verified by the outside world as you grow up, the more likely you are to wall off those parts of consciousness in order to relate and function socially.
I have never seen any angels, but I have seen demons, so I guess I’m as “crazy” as you. It’s not really that crazy, though, because all our brains really do is interpret energy.
If there’s a particular energetic anomaly that the brain does not know
how to interpret, then if might offer the nearest approximation of
whatever is actually occurring energetically.
There’s more to
life than just coincidence and more to life than we understand. Don’t be
ashamed of being more conscious than average because, once you go
beyond the normal sphere of human consciousness, consciousness begins to take on more unique forms.
some people’s brains are only capable of focusing on one sense at a
time. Consciously recruiting all of your senses simultaneously and in perfect balance is something that does not allow you to analyze exactly what you’re feeling/tasting/seeing/hearing/smelling/remembering. You just take it all in at once and your brain takes that information and does whatever it’s going to do with it. It may show you an angel, but that’s because it’s not analyzing, it’s just sensing–multi-sensing, really. When you go back to focusing on a single sense, you lose the your perception of the harmonic image, because harmony cannot be created with a single note.
ive been waiting for a discussion like this on this website, and this post puts words to what i am experiencing,i signed up for this webstie because i knew i could i find or at least wait for an explanation as to what is going on. I feel as if my mask has been removed and i can see how all ridiculous this is and how i feel our society is sick in that we are suffering from a case of learned helplessness and we are all just enduring this stress and anxiety thinking that we cant do anything with our lives.But recently ive felt theres more than this. Theres more to all of this.Like, I might be shackled but it nots attached to anything kinda feeling and im stuck inbetween being absolutely free just imprisoning my self, im so institutionalized that i dont know what being free is. So how can i embody something that ive never experienced. I dont know what to look for, i feel so hopelessly lost , and i dont just dont know where to go. The fact that i can go anywhere almost scares me. How can i chose, what if i make the wrong choice, and i how can i make sure this is the right one. Everything seems so overwhelming but its happening so slowly and so calmly that i dont know whether to embrace it or not. If im free than what do i do? The choices are endless and i feel as if i should consider every single one and i feel like its going to be like this forever.