Ok so I’ve been debating whether to start this discussion for a bit now as there are similar posts already up on this website, but seeing as it is something important to me, I think it’s best if I have some responses that are more tailored to my specific situation. (Also I have never posted on this website, and only joined recently so if this is not what the website is for then I apologise).
Effectively what this is, in a nutshell, is another sexually frustrated, fairly lonely (oh god) guy who has met this pretty awesome girl (wouldn’t go as far as calling her incredible) but is stuck now as to what steps I should be taking in the near future, in terms of my relationship with her.
So yeah basically the situation is that we are both first year students at this new university. I see her a fair amount but wouldn’t really call us ‘friends’ in the most base and standard version of the word. Therefore I am not 100% sure whether I am stuck in the friend-zone or what. The way our relationship has progressed is strange; I am not one of those guys who is just really ‘nice’ and ‘friendly’ towards her. Instead as I slowly started falling for her, without even realising it, I didn’t treat her in a standard boy/girl friendship way, but rather played with her, sarcastically and satirically mocked her, and even ended up annoying her sometimes. Our relationship is at the stage now though where it has developed into something where we can chill by ourselves and it isn’t desperately awkward; I have also broken the ‘touch barrier’ if you will, where it isn’t too awkward being in close environments with her (whatever they may be). It is still a bizarre relationship though; she realises that I am not completely ‘normal’ (if you will) and I doubt the things we talk about are things which she talks about with many other people. I kinda think this is a good thing because at least I am separating myself from the masses? To try and give you some vague insight into our relationship, she told me last thursday on a night out where we had (with a group) dropped a decent amount of mandy (MDMA), that she thinks ‘I am not going to be as a happy as other people in life because I am aware of more things than your average ignorant, drug-taking university student’ …. (or something along those lines). What she said isn’t massively important in the grand scheme of things but I just wanted to give you some sort of insight into the situation. We talk about weird, interesting things, or things which I actually find fascinating and I have not been able to do that with many other people before (let alone girls) so I am sure that her personality plays a large factor into why I am so attracted to her. OK I am rambling so let’s continue…
Mmm one important thing which I haven’t mentioned yet is that she (currently) has a boyfriend. He is at a different university which is not massively close to our university. However it is close enough so that she can take a train up to see him for a weekend, as she has done this weekend. A close girlfriend to her has described their relationship as ‘volatile’ (not too sure how to read into that one), but they are not the perfect couple i.e. there is some tension in the relationship, I think at least. I have no clue as to how much longer they will be seeing each other but obviously being so far apart puts strain on the relationship. I have no problems with waiting until they break up before I make any (actual physical) moves but still want to be seen as a potential candidate (?!) for when she is single again, so I would appreciate advice on how to succeed in that.
Anyway I reckon this is getting too long and jumbled up so I will finish it here but effectively what I am asking is WHAT SHOULD I DO in regards to the situation I have just attempted to describe to you.
P.S. I don’t really want to fall for her because at the end of the day I think subconsciously I am worried it will never happen. I am pretty special when it comes to girls, have never had a proper girlfriend, am not very confident. Even when writing this I am a bit apprehensive as it kind of feels like I am admitting to having fallen for her.
Anyway, all and any advice would be greatly greatly appreciated. Thanks!
The thing about giving advice in regards to women is, it is utterly useless. Their archetype is not so easily defined.
With that being said, it sounds like you’re close to having one foot in the door–to me. Stop wondering if you’re in the friend zone, or you’ll be in the friend zone. Wait for this whole “volatile boyfriend” thing to blow over and settle down. After that, what else is there? Just ask the girl to go play laser tag, or to have dinner, or to an orgy–if that’s what you’re into.
Good luck to you man.
1) you’re in the friendzone
2) if she dumps her boyfriend for you , she is a cunt , have fun with your untrustworthy slut
3) i think you are deluding yourself quite a bit, usually you have to be 100% confident with yourself and happy go lucky and dont give a fuck , to even get laid or get female attention
4) shes just being nice cause its uni and everyone in uni licks everyones ass so no one gets upset
5) disregard what i have to say because its just my personal opinion
6) “I am not going to be as a happy as other people in life because I am aware of more things than your average ignorant, drug-taking university student’” – i think discussing things like this with girls and getting them to see you in that light is a bad move. people dont like people who arent happy, or see problems everywhere, especially sexually.
7) since you never had a gf before i think your views on girls as these magical things, and relationships in general ,is very naive, twisted, and incorrect. enjoy it while you can.
8) chloroform is your friend
I agree with a lot of what you said, especially the chloroform bit. I do think, however, he’s not yet fallen into the abyss that is the friend zone (based on the provided information). Secondly, maybe she is breaking up with her boyfriend because he’s a dick, or he prefers things in his butt, or a myriad of other possibilities.
@mayw, I think that if you have never had gf before then you are likely to be more inclined to wanting her as your gf. This to me seems natural because in your eyes she also seems to be a very cool chick.This may push you to do things that you would not do otherwise. For example posting on this site. Because you probably would very much like to have her, and you wish for a way, an opportunity to make it so. I say this because it could potential influence your ability to clearly understand the connection you have. The fact that she does have a boyfriend leads me to believe that she sees you as purely a friend. And if she knows that you know she has a boyfriend then she probably expects you to see it that same way as well. This mutual understanding might be what enables you to to be able to spend time alone together and have interesting conversations. Because there is no sexual tension if the both of you know it is not on the table.
I think it is tough to know what exactly will help you be a good potential candidate. I think that being yourself and continuing to be a friend is the best option. Sometimes going after the desired boyfriend/girlfriend status can make it tougher to be yourself. Tougher to share tougher to have genuine experiences. Keep the relationship growing. If you can keep it growing then who knows what will happen, be open to any outcome. Enjoy the good that does come of it. The conversations you share, the people you meet, the insights you gain, the fun you have. Maybe this is only a stepping stone to something or someone greater. And trust your gut. If you do want to try a bolder option, rejection is only a temporary pain.
So confidence is quite important in maintaining attraction….the person needs to sense that you know you want them. You want them in virtue of your respect for them. As far as girls go, they’re all over the place, I prefer dudes. But you seem to have a close, honest friendship going, and that’s what precedes a healthy relationship. The example you gave when y’all were high shows that she’s thinking about you…quite intently. Maybe when she said you weren’t going to be as happy as the other fools, she was worrying about you. Or empathizing, because that’s how she thinks she is.
In any case, she’s her own person, and you’re your own. Remembering this, and all the ways you want to know more about her, is what defines your attraction. You owe it to yourself to act, whether it’s through pursuing her or resolving that that isn’t going to happen, and looking for someone else.
i hope you get what you need more then what you want. sometimes what you need doesn’t shine with a seemingly “positive” vibe. and could look “negative”.
either way it’ll play out for you for how you need to experience it..
in this case though i do have a personal note of saying that i hope your wants line up with what you need. i say why not try to shoot and attain something beautiful. even when doing so runs a perceived risk of putting a hole in yourself.
keep growing friend. the experience is your own. even if other peoples pieces of “truth” ring similar. it’s your awareness that gets to choose how to choose to perceive it.
just as it’s your choice to see all this or parts of what im writing as complete bullshit. your choice.
just refound this thread, dont know if anyone cares but I ended up having sex with her for 3ish months, things got complicated with her boyfriend, she ended it with both of us and now we are living together in a desperately forced and awkward house in second year together!
the true course of love never did run smooth hahaha