Are we meant to be our true self around other people?

 Dani Lyah (@deelsian)6 years, 7 months ago

Like most of us HEthens, I spend way too much time thinking about any topic that comes to mind (and trust me, that’s a lot). This morning I was reflecting on relationships, whether it be with friends, significant others or family. I came to find myself really frustrated at the realization that who I truly am, which I measure by being on my own and letting my thoughts roam free, is not necessarily expressed when I’m around other people, even really close people.
I wonder though, is this the case for everyone? Sure we are all pretty consistent in who we are no matter who we are around, but when you’re alone, don’t you feel a little…different? Like you have more time and space to be your true self? Our minds can get dark, we can confused, sad, reflective when we’re on our own, but do you believe you could be exactly (and I’m asking you to really think about what this means) the same person around other people? Do you believe that you could set all of you, even the dark parts, free around anyone at all?

November 6, 2014 at 2:54 pm
Alex (551) (@hollowinfinity) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Well, lets consider what happens to people when they go out to the woods alone for a couple months. They stop talking. Like completely. Even if they hurt themselves, they don’t really go ‘ow’
When Im by myself, I’m lost in thoughts, or engaged in music or writing or something.
When Im with other people, Im usually engaging in activities with them.
A human acts differently around even just one other person..but that doesn’t mean thats not who you are too. They are both parts of yourself.

Every projection of yourself is your true self.

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Dani Lyah (20) (@deelsian) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

I agree with all that you’ve said, but what I meant is is it possible to be the same around people than when you are alone? I never feel more relaxed than when I am alone, and I’m curious as to whether I could achieve the same around someone

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Alex (551) (@hollowinfinity) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Well certain aspects, yeah. You can definitely achieve being relaxed with people as you are alone. What I meant was that this can’t be the case for everything though. There are always going to be deep parts of yourself that don’t come out around other people. Mostly spiritual things, I’d say.

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Irina (21) (@psyhe) 6 years, 6 months ago ago

”When Im by myself, I’m lost in thoughts, or engaged in music or writing or something.
When Im with other people, Im usually engaging in activities with them.”, yeah but it doesn’t have to be like that necessarily; I mean, the aspect of friendship that I cherish the most is being ”alone, together”. A while ago (when we had the time and whatever to hang around more), I would just hang with my best friend and listen to music or just read (each our own book), without saying anything. :)

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Peter (116) (@Gismo) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

I can easily relate, I think most people feel the way you do (I might be wrong), but I’ve made it my goal to be as much myself as I possible can, but still I see massive differences in myself depending on what people I’m around.. I’ve got two maybe three friends where I feel I can let even my darkest parts come out.. so yeah it’s absolutely possible to achieve that level of comfort, as I feel it should be our goal to attain..

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Optimystic (26) (@optimystic) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

I don’t see the need for a dichotomy. You are who you are in every situation. You change. You are human. Evolution is a seed within you, and this means that you adapt to different stimuli and situations. You are still the same person, though. I think our believing that we become someone else is an illusion, but of course I can’t say that for certain. We’re all fucking beautiful, and no matter who we’re around or how we feel about ourselves when we’re around other people (or just enjoying our own time alone), what’s most important is that we tend to that truth. There’s nothing to be ashamed about. I think our personality is something to flex, rather than keep intact.

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Dani Lyah (20) (@deelsian) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Maybe I did not word my post eloquently enough. Im well aware that our personality is a continuum. However, what I was meaning to convey was is it possible for us to be exactly the same as when we’re alone as when we’re around people.
There’s no dichotomy in life, much less in humans. I’m not ashamed in the slightest, but simply wondering if say, it would ever be possible for someone to be as free as they are when they are alone with a significant other..

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Alex (551) (@hollowinfinity) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

I give you a modest mouse lyric:

“No one really knows the one’s they love. If you knew everything they thought I bet you’d wish that they’d just shut up.”

You can really let yourself be as open as possible with your significant other. One of the goals of humans, I believe, is to break down those barriers between people.

As Rumi said, You aren’t looking for love. Love is within you. You are just looking for all the barriers you put up against love.
If we can find those barriers we’ve put up as individuals, we can perhaps break them down.

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Optimystic (26) (@optimystic) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Who knows? Only experience will be able to tell.

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Anonymous (12) (@) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

I think you can only really successfully relate to another in person with a shared context… Like you could just express your feelings freely of course but then where would that go if that person didn’t want to go in the same direction? We monitor ourselves to fit what is relevant in the moment. It’s not really hiding.

As for showing your darkness to another…. I see there are people who choose the dark side completely so they can abuse each other into a hot mess bc they feel it’s the only honest thing. But there are rare people who can forgive and accept and dive fully into someone’s destructive energy and then move on when it’s over, acknowledging both dark and light. Those people are the best.

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Anonymous (17) (@) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

You can be the same around everyone, but still have different opinions about you. “I’m interested in the fact that the less secure a man is, the more likely he is to have extreme prejudice.” Gotta take more things in consideration. One thing that’s true is when a person would lie.

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Ray (4) (@brainofmorbius) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

No, you can’t. You wouldn’t have any friends or family left that would talk to you if you were true to yourself in their presence. This is the “civilizing” effect of become an adult.

Children often don’t have a pause button, and that is why they are always getting into trouble. But we forgive them these things because, well, they are children.

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Anonymous (17) (@) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Obviously being true to yourself in the presence of others shouldn’t mean neglecting them, but putting them at ease to be true to themselves as well. Otherwise you won’t be with them for long, complete opposite to what you’re saying and I have no idea where it even came from. If you think you’ll have good friends or a happy family by pretending, you’ll be only miserable.

What the actual fuck, Ray?

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Ray (4) (@brainofmorbius) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Apparently you don’t have children or haven’t been around young children. Children are true to themselves by always instantly expressing their needs and their wants, not hiding their emotions. This kind of behavior cannot be the norm in adult society. You’d have widespread violence in the workplace, road rage, verbal abuse…lawsuits up the ying yang.

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Anonymous (17) (@) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Well, I guess I’m thankful verbal abuse exists when people are hiding their emotions and are obviously full of shit. It’s also therapeutic. Children must express their needs and wants until they learn to take care of themselves, after that, they still need learn how to express themselves. You sound like a normopath which does lead to violence by the way.

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Psilopsychosis (0) (@Psilopsychosis) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

It means a lot in this world to have someone to share those parts of you most personal, but that doesn’t mean you should share it with everyone. Welcome to the beautiful mind of an introvert, whose mind the moments of lonely life can satisfy.

Yes, I enjoy reflecting on these thoughts on life, effectively enhanced however I please, be it listening to music or roaming in nature ;)

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cptndirtybeard (0) (@cptndirtybeard) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

Well when you are alone you have the goal of thinking inward and making your thoughts deeper, but when we are around other people we have the goal of talking outward and connecting your thoughts with other people. Since they’re two separate goals we go about them in different ways. It’s your brain acting according to the situation.

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Shredder (16) (@shredder) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

The answer is it depends; the simple answer to your question is yes, but I’ll hit it from a few different angles.

The literal answer is no, you can’t be like you are as you’re alone when with others just because another’s presence eliminates the peace and privacy that solitude offers, just as it adds another layer of communication that is absent when by yourself.

The answer you’re looking for depends because everyone is different; everyone changes their behavior around others to different degrees and for different reasons. Being alone quite literally does give you time and space to be your true self, so when others enter the picture there is usually awareness of their judgment of your behavior, which is what prompts people to choose their actions much more carefully than when alone.

If all you want to know is if it’s possible to be exactly the same around others as you are when alone, it is very possible. Not many people do so, but it’s definitely possible. If the reason you ask is because of some inhibition about what people will think about your “dark parts”, the solution is deciding not to give a fuck what they think about it and just be yourself.

If you’re still questioning it, then I suggest asking yourself what makes you think it wouldn’t be possible? If you’re wanting to find that freedom with a significant other in particular, that sort of comfort usually comes from being around someone who doesn’t judge. When you sense that you’re not being judged, you automatically feel more at ease; unfortunately these people are extremely rare.

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Ian Kim (1) (@IndigoRed) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

I masturbate more than I’d like too. We’re slaves to our evolved nature, we’re only human, yet we’ve become self aware and are capable of seeing existence and ourselves outside of ourselves which makes us wish to fight this biological trait of our infinite consciousness.

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Filip (2,818)M (@filipek) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

What is our true self? We have many identities and we behave differently in various (social) situations. I do not believe there is only one true self. Maybe a better question to ask is: can you always be 100% honest, no matter the situation or environment you are in?

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 6 years, 7 months ago ago

If you wouldn’t do something where people can see it, don’t do it.

If you would do something when you’re alone, don’t hold back when people watch.

Pick one of these options. It’s a chicken or egg scenario, there is no right or wrong option, pick the one that fits best.

Indecision / inconsistency is the cause of the most of the suffering people go through.

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Irina (21) (@psyhe) 6 years, 6 months ago ago

Is it just me, or almost everyone here missinterprets or twists in some way what you meant to say? (no offence to anyone, especially as everyone had relevant and insightful input).
From what I gather, your issue is pretty simple: having someone in your life around whom you can ‘move’ freely. Uh, I didn’t word it properly. Thing is, I can’t really put it in words… ? It’s just… resonating with someone, being on the same page and being able to freely express whatever is going on in your head without it being judged / twisted / (miss)interpreted. Someone who, if they don’t always ‘get’ you, at least they’re open to whatever you have to say / do.
Of COURSE that, from the nature of things it’s ”not 100% the same as when you are alone” (like, yes, in one situation you’re alone, and in another there is someone else with you, so that is different :)) ), but I don’t think it has to do with your question…

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