Are you easy to impress?
I can’t remember the last time I was impressed by something or someone, and this really bothers me. I don’t find anything fascinating like I used to. Let me explain it, there’s gonna be a lot of ‘”buts”. I’m pretty social and have a lot of friends, I meet new people all the time BUT I get bored of them very quickly. I’m usually the one who calls everyone to go out drinking and having fun, but when we meet I automatically get bored and wish I just stayed home. In the past couple of years I have probably watched over 700/800 movies, 50/60 TV shows, played a lot of games and I still do all that stuff BUT I always did it for fun and EVERYTHING impressed me because I was about 8-12 years old when the techology/internet stuff hit me and it was amazing. Now I do all the stuff just out of habit. I literally played Witcher 3 for 80 hours last week because I didn’t feel like doing anything else, and I didn’t even have fun even though the game is beautiful, I just played it for the sole purpose of finishing it and never playing it again. I traveled, read books, had hobbies, had sex, girlfriends, weed, alcohol. Maybe I’m depressed. If I am, at least I can pin this “problem” on something. I actually feel like I abused the shit out of internet AND out of being a teenager – I feel like I should’ve just picked one so later on in life I can actually enjoy the other one. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not just gonna give up on all of that stuff , I’m just saying they’re not AWESOME anymore, they’re OKAY. And OKAY is starting to bore me. I actually hate that about myself – I easily get bored, but I could just sit on a chair and stare at the wall for hours and do nothing. I really hope I don’t sound like some spoiled rich kid, because I’m pretty sure I’m the opposite. My familly is a classic middle-class familly, ocasionally my parents struggle to pay for my college but other than that they’re doing okay, and they are okay. I love them and I’m thankful for everything but I don’t like them very much. I just want to know do I sound like an asshole and does anyone else feel this way, so I’m just gonna pop in some more random facts about myself.<b style=”line-height: 21.6999988555908px;”> I study graphic design. I’m pretty good at it and I earn a decent amount of money (for a 19 year old in my country). My clients are always impressed and they like my work, but I hate everything I’ve made so far (5 years) and can barely build up a decent portfolio. When I try to actually draw/design something for myself, I never end up liking it and I never finish it. I think I have a lot of talent but zero creativity. Some more stuff. I like coffee, cigarettes, heavy metal and chess. Those four are a little bit MORE OKAY than the others, but still. And yeah, sorry for the weird title and mistakes, my english knowledge is straight from the movies and games.
This depression is an artifact of the universe calling you to do something different, something meaningful, with your life. Most/all the things you’ve mentioned are distractions, things that we are taught are what we should do in this culture to be happy. If you want to bring happiness to your life you should look into doing something for others. Start small, but then also start thinking about how your current skills could allow you to do something big. And by saying you should do something for others, that doesn’t mean you can’t make money doing it – it just has to serve a larger, longer term purpose than just distracting/entertaining you or putting some cash in your pocket.
Another thing that has been extremely helpful to me is to journal. There is a high existence article that got me into this: https://www.highexistence.com/why-free-writing-is-better-than-meditation/?utm_source=Top+Posts+Digest&utm_campaign=80966ef121-Daily_Top_5_11_23_2014&utm_medium=email&utm_term=0_9298f81796-80966ef121-206437793
This was written by the guy who started the 750words website, which is free for awhile and then you have to pay. I started out using that site when it was free for me and then switched over to journalling in a MS Word doc that was password protected for the same level of privacy that is required for honest journalling. The idea is originally taken from “The Artist’s Way” which is an excellent book that you could read if you wanted.
<p style=”line-height: 21.7000007629395px;”>Meditation / mindfulness are great too, so work on adding some meditation into your life if you can. Guided meditations by Tara Brach are what I would recommend to a beginner. They are free on her site or via podcast (easiest if you have an iphone).
When you are doing things, start thinking about why you are doing them. Are you doing this to be distracted, because you used to think it was fun? Because someone else expects you to? These are the wrong reasons. If you are doing it to bond with people and be present, that is a good reason. If you are doing it to work on yourself, that is a good reason. If you are doing it to serve others, that is a good reason. If you don’t have that reason, don’t do the thing. But don’t judge yourself as you work towards this goal either.
In summary, start by looking for things you can do to serve others. Start small and try to figure out what you can do that is big. While you are searching, start journalling and/or meditating. Make one or both of these these a daily habit if you can.
PS: Also, spend a lot of time reading the articles on high existence. I don’t work for this site or get paid by them but I have found a lot of gems here.