Being a crutch to a depressive

Anonymous (@) 7 years ago

Hey guys

The story is that I have a depressive mother who has been for a decade or so. I’m a 20 year old student now and this all began when I was about 8. I’ve witnessed so many horrible things in those 12 or so years. My mother has acted in desperation so many times leading to institutionalisation and hospitalisation and eviction on many occasions. Domestic violence too has been an issue between both parents. There has been so much police involvement that I’m familiar with half the force and they have been sympathetic when I’ve screwed up…

The most painful thing about it all is that, out of countless family members, my father included, no one has tried to help. In the beginning I was strong, I could deal with it, now I’m struggling so, so much. I’ve reached lows of my own and it’s horrible. At the start of secondary school, I was top of the school in aptitude testing (ego stroking in my opinion) and was predicted to do well academically. Over the years, my performance took a minor dive, it’s still at a good standard and I got into a top university. Growing up, I gave my pocket money to her so she could by weed.

I’ve indulged in binges (speedy pills) and done things that have hurt me morally. Depersonalisation and derealisation have also hit me and they too have been intense experiences.

This past year, I was on beta blockers for several months. Over said period of time I fell into a depression and had so many nightmares, horrible, graphic worst fear stuff, so vivid I’d wake up crying, so often did I want relief only to get none. Ditched them a long time ago.

I’ve avoided intimacy chronically for fear that I too am a monster. I’ve struggled with rage and anger and it hurts so much at times, suicide has been a thought several times too. The worst thing about the rage is that prior to it, I was and still strive to be a compassionate person. I’ve been meditating for just over a year now, only properly getting into it recently, it’s been routine sometimes and then drops off. I’m trying to heal, to move on but the pain is intense, I struggle to sleep and to get out of bed too. I exercise daily and eat healthily as well. She’s improving recently due to a change in medication it’s just that I am properly worn out.

What do you guys think might be beneficial because perseverance is a strong point of mine just that I feel like a shattered scarred human being. Picking myself up has gotten a little harder.

If you’ve read this far, I thank you sincerely for reading.

November 12, 2014 at 8:39 pm
Anonymous (17) (@) 7 years ago ago
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Shalalanovala (37) (@Shalalanovala) 7 years ago ago

What’s the most important thing you could be doing right now? And why aren’t you doing it?

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Alex (551) (@hollowinfinity) 7 years ago ago

look into inflammation and depression.

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Anonymous (0) (@) 7 years ago ago

Working.

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josephm (772) (@josephm) 7 years ago ago

imagine youre a further evolved version of your mother and taking care of our youth is our job.

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hiiiighpower (1) (@Hiiighpower) 7 years ago ago

If you want to chat I’m [email protected]

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Marci (0) (@Izzyblue) 7 years ago ago

do you still reside with the parental units? if so is it possible for you move out? i’m not saying you should abandon family but you have a life to live as well. You should not feel badly about wanting to live your life your way, it’s your right. Believe me, there may come a time, when your mother is much older, that she will need you and you may very well be the only available caregiver.
Find your passion and pursue it, something that resonates and leaves you feeling whole. I’ve dealt with that rage/anger/depression as well and it still rears it’s ugly head on occasion, find a way to transmute that. I dance or drum ( around a huge fire preferably) but sometimes the dancing happens when I’m watching a really good live band.
You are not a monster, you are a multifaceted beautiful human who has stuff to figure out.
peace sister

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