I just feel so alone, and ignored. I’m a shadow to everyone. I look at all these popular kids who do nothing to get the most attention and it just kills me. why the hell do they deserve it? I just want people to acknowledge me and give me the time of day.
It’s beginning to turn very sour. I dont know why I’m writing this, but just the mad tapping of the keyboard helps.
@splashartist, Cracked is the right word. I don’t know… I am tired of lots of things. I am tired of me. I am tired of everyone around me.
I wrote a suicide note last night. I don’t think I intended to do anything… It was like some sort of note to myself I guess.
I think I know who I am. I just have no idea about my future. I feel like this is it. I don’t want this to be it.
It is all my own expectations of life… I know this. I am causing it all myself.
I am sure I will get over it again.
@dafunks, I see the part inside me that wants to give up as the anti-me, and the other parts that are strong and know I’m here for a reason as the real me. When the real me gets strong enough and more prevailent, it can put the anti-me back in it’s place (like the abyss) or wherever. It’s hard to do, and that is why just living is an art in it’s self. The art of staying alive. I am just so happy that I did’nt let this hell hound who would grab me by the throat end up winning in the end. I figure that it’s here to make us look and find our truth in being.
If all that makes any sense, I don’t know.
@dafunks, Maybe your just tired of the way you are viewing yourself and others. Maybe a change of perspective is in order?
The ego based consciousness is weighing very heavy on you.
”I think I know who I am. I just have no idea about my future. I feel like this is it. I don’t want this to be it.”
This is very powerful. The reason why you are suffering is because you are looking for who you are in the wrong space. Who you think you are changes every day. How can you find yourself in something that is never stable? What has been aware throughout all of this change that itself is changeless? I invite you to contemplate this. If you get an insight it will change all of your perspective on who you are.
And also, this really is it. There is no future besides a thought inside of your head happening in the present moment. Surrender to the dread of this being it. See if it can hurt you, or is there something that is also aware of this dread. Look inside.
This is how it is for you at this point in time only. And when you enter a new point in time, you will see that you gradually rise out of the stage you are going threw if you don’t give into this “point in time”. That is one reason you are a member of us here : )
@splashartist, I understand what you are saying. My Buddhist teacher tells me this. I guess I was explaining me in sort of pop talk. I think I meant the actions that I normally take in life. this version of me.
I really do agree with what you are saying. You speak complete truth.
The problem is that when I get like this my brain is not fully working. The way I normally think is distant and hazy. It is like I am looking at life through a tube. I only see one view of things… I try to look around but my brain or depression stops me. The really bad thing about it is knowing it. Knowing how I feel right now is irrational for me. I know how I should be and what I should do… But for some reason that way just looks distant right now.
I am not even sure I am making sense.
I know I put down my words different than some members do, But that is because I hate long comments and I am ussually too lazy to read through them, so I try to post short comments with “between the lines” meanings behind them. I also think we learn better from paraphrasing stuff. : )
For me, I had to burn off alot of karma and at the same time, open up to things that I used to refuse to open to in the past. We all figure things out over time. If I bagan to do it, then anyone can. I am far from being done figuring things out, but I am alot happier being on the path to do it one day. Not to sound religious, but the first step for me was faith, then other steps follow. After faith, I only need to replace belief with true knowledge, understanding, and hopefully wisdom.
@vovinawol, I recently started viewing faith ( which I had previously rebelled against) as a crazy survival mechanism that allows you to work through negativity without any evidence that it will be worth it. Acting as if you are passionate and healthy before you actually are ends up creating a zest for life that eventually makes you happy to be alive. But without faith in life itself, you’d have laid in bed until you couldn’t stand to exist anymore.
@dafunks, Ah okay I see. Yes it is very physical in that sense. I have never struggled with depression, but I had bad anxiety and I understand where you’re coming from. The best thing you can do is sit with it and allow it to be without making it a problem. Simply become aware of it without trying to push it away in your mind. Because it is there and there’s nothing you can do about it until it decides to pass. Just give up already and let it be as it is. It too will change like the rest of this physical reality, don’t hold on to it. Cheers :)
@splashartist, Thanks. I will try,
I think I will just take some time to read and meditate. I think tomorrow I will text most the people in my life and just tell them I need some time on my own. I am just sick of people. I think I am sick the women in my life also.
But most of all I am sick of myself.
I wish I could somehow put my mind on hold… This is why I need to meditate for a long time.
@anjelica, Yea, I feel we go wrong, and religions go wrong, by trying to fill all 10 spheres of existence with it. So it is like standing on the first step and believing that we have climbed all 10 of them. As important as it is, it just doesn’t make up the totality of creation like they tell us it does. Blind faith don’t help me, but faith with insight can carry us to the stars : )
@retrohippylove, That sums it up. I’m still gonna make that thread as soon as I get time. In all my studies, “Kabalah” is still my number one! All we learn in life can be put on the tree in order for us to sort it all out. It’s map a of ourselves and the created universe (if there was a difference!)
@dafunks, Yes mate, its our thoughts, beliefs, and the emotions that arise from them that get in the way of our bliss in the long run. that is why the Eastern ways stress the meditation thing so much. They answer a question with a question in order to turn us back to ourselves to find the answers.
@vovinawol, Yes I see that. The problem is most of are raised in a Western World. We can learn these things… But… A life time of crap that we learn is hard to get rid off.
New day here in England. I think I feel better. I’ll go walk my dog and see how the birds make me feel.
@bmarie, what you said really hits the heart. honestly, when im alone and bored i usually write. I write poetry, songs, anything to pass the time and help the pain. I guess being alone does give me the ability to really focus on myself and do what I need to do.
And its not only physically being alone, its wishing that people would at least try to care about you. I hate not existing.