Ive been struggling to keep some of my good friends. I found out they think I am “inconsistent.” I rarely get invited to hang with them and they are slowly cutting me off. I am a very spontaneous person who like to adventure and try things, no matter how crazy, when the opportunity arises. How should I handle this criticism? Should I use it to make my self more centered and try to seem more consistent? Or should I view it as a compliment and keep living on a whim?
I mean “inconsistent” seems interchangeable with predictable or routine, something I try to shy away from both in my own life and in my circle of friends. Too much routine leads to a really unsatisfying life, and a really difficult cycle to get out of once you’ve gone too far in it.
As @danfontaine said, just do things with them that you know you can appreciate and like them for that aspect of the friendship, but certainly don’t subject yourself to a bad time because they think you’re “inconsistent.”
I’ve always lived my life in this manner. I tend to do my own things and never plan too much in terms of social events and life in general. I’m not going to lie to myself and say that I havent lost any friends due to this. However, I feel as though, because this is the life style in which I desire to live, the friends I have lost will prove to be no benefit to my future if I wish to stay in that direction. Conversely, the friends that I have maintained while sustaining this life style respect how I am and are rather accommodating (if you want to call it that) of my life style. They usually make me aware of certain things they plan on doing and they don’t expect a solid response. Although this sometimes causes some issues around planning for larger events such as trips, which can be dealt with as they come.
I guess what I’m trying to get at is if this is who you are and the way you live, you will attract and hold onto friends with similar lifestyles that will be more accepting of your choices and the way you live your life. You have to realize that we are animals of habit. The majority of people find comfort in consistency and reliability. When someone or something does not meet that criteria, people will likely shy away as they cannot predict what you are likely to do. However, some people may find this interesting. I have always found that the most unpredictable (although not to a state of ridiculousness) people can be the most interesting. Then again, balance is always key. Sometimes having people in your life that crave consistency can help you stay somewhat grounded. If thats something you may desire.
Sorry if my thoughts seem scattered. I think you get what I’m driving at though.
Seems like quite the existential question. Just depends how you want to live your life and the people you want involved in that life.
@smileforkyle, I am going through the exact same thing! All of the suggestions have been great. Though I also feel like as we age, we tend to outgrow some of our dearest friends (at least thats what I’ve gathered from other HEthens). Just remember that this is your life.
Wow thanks for all the insights! This really helps and it’s nice
to know there are other people struggling with this too.
Another trouble for me with being “inconsistent” is that it leads to indecisiveness…I weigh out so many possibilities of future decisions so that I can maximize my experience/adventure of life. The problem is I can’t come up with a solid solution or goal so I’m stuck in spontaneity living every moment with a different perspective of what I should do next. I have so much energy and
Motivation I just don’t know where to put it. The energy is lossed in trying to make best possible decision or the most Exciting/adventurous one.
@jboychyn, I totally get what you are saying. I guess it’s frustrating to me because I make really good friends then move, travel, or start something new and don’t stay in really good
Contact with them. They mean so much to me, I just am not good at letting them know and staying updated with their lives. To a degree I think my friends are afraid to become to close to me in fear I will leave or follow some other adventure.
Like i mentioned before. We are animals of habit. The cost of living that kind of lifestyle is that people will likely shy away from you. It is something that I have come to accept as an inevitability.
What keeps me going is that I there will always be more people to meet, things to learn from them, and experiences to fill my life.
I blame this attitude on my fear of the “rut”. I see so many people rushing to find friends, partners, get married, find a career, have kids, pay a mortgage. All these things do not seem all to appealing to me. There is way to many things in life that need experiencing to settle myself in a rut and follow the same patterns.
It all comes at a cost.
It comes down to whether those costs are more then the benefit of friendship stability.
@smileforkyle, If you want to hang with them give them a call. if you mean inconstant as in you don’t show up when they invite then its definitely up to you to reach out to them.
I have many groups of friends I don’t see very often. Even my best friend I only see once or twice a month. I can actually say I spend more time out with people who aren’t actually my friends than I do with the friends I hold dear. I call them my friends because when we come together it’s as if nothing has change. We are always happy to see each other.
@smileforkyle, inconsistent is pretty vague. You are inconsistent for what? Do you feel bad that you are missing the things they do, the places they go, the things they think and talk about? If yes, then do try to be more consistent. If no, then you don’t really want to be there anyway it seems.
I have a problem with lateness. I am always getting up late, showing up late, etc. I showed up late for work when I had it because I did not want to be there. I show up late to hang out with my friends because I plan poorly. I’m working on this, because I really do want to be there and hang out. Consistency is not such a hard thing. Maybe to make it easier on both of you you could invite your friends to join you on your adventures? You could be your group’s idea guy.