I don’t know who else to ask so I’m asking the HE community for help. I have a best friend who has been there for me at all times. Through thick and thin. He is a great guy but isn’t exactly the most motivated and doesn’t really care for himself. He smokes a lot of bud (I smoke too but ones a month maybe) his bathroom is disgusting, crust on the shower and pees on sink, and it’s not someone I want to be around. But he is a great person emotionally. He’s buried in debt and doesn’t seem to care. He would rather get a new suit to look good. As a best friend,’I thought it was my duty to tell him what he needs to hear, not what he wants to. I bitched at him about all that, and it got pretty intense. I did go about it the wrong way, but we talked about it later and I told him why it worried me and he told me he has it “under control”.
Now, when we hang out, it’s awkward, I don’t really respect him and I can sense he feels judged when he’s around me. I’ve always been someone who is very meticulous and disciplined and does my own thing, but for some reason lately ive been very judgemental, especially to him, and it bothers me too. I’m really fond of the saying “You are who you hang out with” which has made me very criitical, but at what point does one cross the line. He is a person I considered my best friend but now is someone I wouldnt become friends with in the first place. What should i do?
Has anyone experience anything like this? What’s ur advice, what happened?
From one point of view I’d say that if you don’t feel like hanging out with him anymore, then you need to let it go, just because you’ve been good friends doesn’t mean you still have to be.. “Real” friendship is able to stand a period apart, maybe it would even be good for you guys and when/if you meet up after a while you’ll both know whether there’s still a friendship there or not – I think you can view it much like a relationsship where you grow apart.. if it’s “meant to be” it’ll come naturally..
In regards to you judging him I think you’re were in the wrong, you have no right to tell him how to live his life, you even used the wording “bitched him about it” – it’s fair enough that you have different standards and approach life in another way, I can understand your point of view, but again, he doesn’t have to live up to your standards, it’s his life.. So I don’t see you having any duty other than to maybe offer your help, not your judgement.. but it’s easy to be captain hindsight, I know you did it with the best intention.. In my experience it’s better to try and have an open conversation where you also bring in some deficiencies of your own in order to “level the playingfield” and talk about ambitions and whether he has any, what techniques you might have found to work for you in general life or other stuff that you’ve read about, that could improve his situation (should he wish to do so..), bottomline it’s better to wait for him to ask for advice than it is to “tell him what to do” (which is advice not asked for..) To come back to what I think is the main question, I think you should follow your gut feeling, if being “friends” (loose definition) with him has a detrimental effect on your life / your hapiness / your “development”, then I don’t see why you should hang out with him, I’m not saying to cut him out, but to let it come naturally, if you want to call him/see him, then do so, but if you don’t and he doesn’t contact you either, then… yeah.. if he ends up contacting you and you still don’t want to meet, then you need to man up and shoot it to him straight.. not in the way that you should put on like a clause to your friendship that he should straighten up ( or “bitch” him about your different lifestyles), but just tell him what’s going through your mind.. maybe that conversation will be the wake up call he needs, who knows..(but don’t be a drama queen “quitting” your friendsship hoping he’ll change, that sounds like a bad romance chick flick gone wrong :-P)
All this is just my 2 cents, I honestly don’t know what’s the right thing to do, I’m just offering my opinion ;-)In some way I think I’ve been on the other end of this kind of situation and I think either natural acceptance or space was what did me good, when I had too much space I realized I had to do something different and the acceptance I got from the ones accepting me as I was at that point in time, gave me the strength to change..
Ps. If he at any point in time asks for help in any way, I’d hope that you’ll be there for him as he seems to have been there for you, I’m not negating the value of your past, it’s just what “role” should he play in your life from now on..