Sometimes I remember how it felt to exist as a kid and really really fucking feel the vibes of places and of myself. I resided in myself. I did not have to wonder about other worlds or what comes later or what came before that much, because each room or place (when I was alone) held so fucking much inside of it and the sheer enormity of it possessed me.
At that time it was effortless and needed no particular action or seeking or thought to bring it about, it was my natural state. Something has happened to that state but since I believe it to be the natural one, this need not cause alarm. It’s always there, I catch glimpses of it sometimes, but it’s usually covered up by my incessant off-balance mental occupations. It’s as if, instead of being evenly distributed throughout my body in a harmonious way that can flow and make sense and help me to move and exist with ease, I am unevenly portioning out the weight of my soul, stuffing it up into my head, trying to experience life through purely mental eyes, forgetting that I exist in my entire body and “I” am not in my head. Some things aren’t and cannot be understood, and don’t need to be.
What would be the point of understanding?
What would be the point of some scientific explanation of all of this?
A bunch of fucking words and text and thoughts from someone who knows, someone relaying their own experience.
Why is that relevant to me? or to you?
It may make an interesting story, which is great, but we don’t need to be in the habit of seeking truth in such places. There are ways to find and connect with that truth and they differ much from person to person. Some of those truths may overlap with other people’s, or they may say something to you that helps something click but ultimately these are things you come to and discover for yourself and they only hold true meaning inside of you, not inside of your head, but inside of you. I am beginning to discover that these are two very different things.
Why did I usually feel so much more comfortable being alone most of my life? Because I am hyper aware of and sensitive to other people. When I am by myself I can forget what I am seeming like. When did we all get so consumed by what we seem like? What a sickness.
“There are ways to find and connect with that truth and they differ much from person to person. Some of those truths may overlap with other people’s, or they may say something to you that helps something click but ultimately these are things you come to and discover for yourself and they only hold true meaning inside of you, not inside of your head, but inside of you. “
This was comforting and a helpful way to portray it. I find that going all the way into the sickness kinds of burns it away
I see that people (including myself) avoid their bodies to avoid experiencing their feelings. But eventually the headache of mental stuff is more painful than feeling into the defenses accumulated in your body. We keep our selves locked out. It’s as simple a focus as feeling your self, but there is a barrier that is made of a lot of sensations we were taught to suppress. I think that the first step is to allow the body to fall into its true sensations which might be scowling for a long time or slouching in ways that may be “unattractive”. Physical touch helps too.
Whe we’re small everything is new and even relatively simple physical motions and thoughts are complex tasks that require focus. Every interesting piece of sensory input is fresh and hasn’t yet been indexed in our brains.
As we grow used to things and able to get by with ease, our mental power is freed up and unleashed, ready to be assigned to higher intelligent functions. And so we become thinkers and seekers, geniuses and artists.
I don’t think we should strive to go back to that immersed state of being long term, even if we could. It’s very good to reconnect and “earth” yourself sometimes, but reverting to being a child would just be a case of destructive and decadent self-indulgence.
Personally I feel my consciousness and sense of being not only inside my head but also around my eyes and ears, my hands, and sometimes in my chest and/or pelvis.
The point of understanding would be the usual one. To open more paths, to help us get by, and possibly to help us manage existence better. It’s relevant because we’re all human and all in the same world.
Feeling the truth of something inside does not necessarily mean it is true or significant, beyond the current mode of ego.
I think our shortcomings in understand the urge to “seem” a certain way or other is mostly due to people assuming that it must be a function of people pleasing. I think we simply have a deep sense of an “ideal”, a higher, inner self. Something that feels like “I”, but is out of reach unless we make it manifest.
To not follow this calling often feels like living a fake life, and people usually feel less fake even from simply pretending that their higher self is manifesting than from telling the truth of their disconnection from it.