Can you really "Love" your family?

Mitch (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago

Your family (by family i mean blood relatives, mother, father, siblings, ect.) is not chosen by you, you are born into it and cannot do a thing about it. Sure most people have good relationships with their family and say they “love” them, but do you?

How can you really love someone that you never chose to be with? Sure your family teaches you things and is always there for you, in most cases that is, but thats only because they have to.

I do not particularly like my family, but i’m stuck with them forever. I can’t leave them without them and everyone else thinking i’m being a bad son. But if i don’t love them why should i be forced to stay with them forever? Why can’t i go join a new family, say my best friends, because i actually like being around those people? I cannot stand the fake “love” and affection my family throws around.

The person you marry is the only person you really love. Simply because you are making a concise choice to be with them. Thats love. Being forced to accept who your family is and love them no matter what is not love.

Love is a choice, one that should not be made for you. I say leave your family and fall in love with someone that you actually like and that really loves you not because they have to, but because they choose to.

August 25, 2012 at 10:50 am
afar (0) (@afar) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@Mitch
I’ve been raised by many people in different periods of my childhood, most of them family members. My parents were around, but never constantly because of work, so it’s like they weren’t. I do truly love some of those people, but I also don’t love some of them. I don’t hate them, I just don’t love them. My love or ”hate” has nothing to do with being related to them, but more with their ways of raising me & their personalities. So, my answer is – yes, you can really love some of your family members not just because they are your family :)

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Kim (0) (@maraudering) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@afar That’s what I forgot to mention! I, personally, don’t love some of my family members but I don’t think I hate them either. It’s all very relative.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, “Sure your family teaches you things and is always there for you, in most cases that is, but thats only because they have to.”

They don’t have to. Lots of parents abandon their children. Others abuse them and kill them. And so on. They don’t have to do anything for you, they choose to do it.
NOBODY OWES YOU ANYTHING, you’re being extremely ungrateful and IRRATIONAL.

Your parents gave you your life. You wouldn’t exist if it wasn’t for them. They also kept you alive, raised you, fed you, gave you clothes and toys, helped you with your various problems, taught you stuff, and so on. They’ve given you more than anyone can EVER give you. And you don’t even give them the due respect and gratitude, that’s plain FUCKED UP.

YOU OWE THEM YOUR LIFE.

“I do not particularly like my family, but i’m stuck with them forever. I can’t leave them without them and everyone else thinking i’m being a bad son.” @mitchapalooza

If you give a shit about how others label you, YOU’ve got issues.

“But if i don’t love them why should i be forced to stay with them forever?” @mitchapalooza

You aren’t, you’re not forced to do ANYTHING whatsoever in life. And I don’t think there are any parents out there who expect (or want) their kids to stay forever. Maybe a few extreme cases of manic mothers, but that’s very rare.

“Why can’t i go join a new family, say my best friends, because i actually like being around those people?” @mitchapalooza

YES YOU CAN. Where did you get that weird notion that you can’t?

“I cannot stand the fake “love” and affection my family throws around.” @mitchapalooza

YES YOU CAN.

But let me ask you this, how is their love any more fake than yours? Huh?

“The person you marry is the only person you really love. Simply because you are making a concise choice to be with them. Thats love. Being forced to accept who your family is and love them no matter what is not love.” @mitchapalooza

Choice is not love. Love is not choice.
If you can’t love someone just because you didn’t choose them, you’ve got MAJOR ISSUES.

“Love is a choice, one that should not be made for you. I say leave your family and fall in love with someone that you actually like and that really loves you not because they have to, but because they choose to.”

Love is not a choice, love is a force of nature. Sure, you can pinch it off, but that doesn’t mean the existence or of love is your choice.

You don’t choose to love someone. You can choose to LIKE someone, but liking is NOT loving. They’re completely different concepts. Liking is opinion, love is not opinion, love is emotion.

You don’t even fucking understand what love is, dude.

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Marie (2,051) (@ARCANUS) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

When I was a child, I loved my family because this was my instinct, and I always knew they loved me. Basicly I loved them because they loved me, and I knew it. And I knew they wouldn’t leave me, that they were there. Now I am eternally grateful for the unconditional love and support they have given and continue to give me. If I ever become a parent, I hope I can provide the same amount of forgiveness, love, kindness, patience, support and sacrifice as my parents. At the same time, there are things I picked up from my folks, I hope will stay a result of their generation. I hope I won’t project my fears, insecurities or other negativity onto my kids without knowing it. Though, perhaps that is too much to ask. :)

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@manimal, Ok first of all how dare you say shit like that to me. You have absolutely no right. You have no idea what i have been through so i really do not appreciate you coming at me like this. I have my opinions you have yours. I made this to pose the question of if what you feel for you family is really love, not so i can have my views bashed by some asshole.

When did i say my family owes me anything? If anything i said i do not owe my family anything and neither do they. How is my love any more fake then theirs you ask? I dont love my family so its not fake at all.

Who the hell are you to tell me that i can or cannot stand my family’s fake love. Seriously back off. Don’t try and tell me how to live my life. My father is crazy and abusive, don’t fucking tell me i need to accept his fake love when the next day he will just scream at me again. Seriously dude fuck off. Get your facts before you just call me out about something you clearly do not understand.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

“Ok first of all how dare you say shit like that to me. You have absolutely no right.” @mitchapalooza

Yes I do.

“You have no idea what i have been through so i really do not appreciate you coming at me like this.” @mitchapalooza

Indeed I have no idea what you’ve been through, but that’s got nothing to do with how I’m “coming at you.”
And besides, you’re “coming at me” even worse yourself.

“I made this to pose the question of if what you feel for you family is really love, not so i can have my views bashed by some asshole.” @mitchapalooza

Even more hypocrisy I see. Get to the point!

“How is my love any more fake then theirs you ask? I dont love my family so its not fake at all. ” @mitchapalooza

Were you piledrived right after birth or something? I wasn’t talking about your (absence of) love for your family.
I was talking about your weird definition of love. You have yet to answer that one.

“Who the hell are you to tell me that i can or cannot stand my family’s fake love.” @mitchapalooza

I am Elion the manimal, pleased to meet you. You CAN stand it, that’s a fact, anyone can. Whether you choose to is a different question, but that doesn’t mean you can’t. Stop lying.

“My father is crazy and abusive, don’t fucking tell me i need to accept his fake love when the next day he will just scream at me again.” @mitchapalooza

That’s just, like, your opinion, maaan. I never said you needed anything. You’re strawmanning like it’s going out of style, tragic.
And did you ever stop to think that maybe he’s screaming at you for a reason.

“Seriously dude fuck off.” “not so i can have my views bashed by some asshole.” “You have absolutely no right.” “Who the hell are you to tell me that” @mitchapalooza

Seeing how you spew shit like that on helpful strangers, you should be able to see why people are screaming at you and why your views are being “bashed.”

And why the hell are you even discussing on a site like this if all you want is to fight and call people names? Hmm?

Get over yourself.
//Elion

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Bobby (190) (@bobbylloydxd) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, Love is about progress not perfection. I agree with seriously everything that manimal told you. I don’t feel that he is being an asshole to you, he is just being straight forward. I would have told you the same a few days ago, but you seem to have your mind made up so I thought it would be a waste of time.
A lot of people get defensive and pissed off when they are called out for being wrong. Thats fine. You can’t grow though until you get over your initial reaction and move towards a progressive stance. Why are these people picking on me? Because they hate me? No. Because they see that you are putting yourself through pain and they want to help you grow. I’ve never come across anyone with ill intentions on this site, manimal included.
You come across like a pissed off teenager, and that is probably what you are. You are far from the only one who has been verbally or physically abused by their parents. You dont know what I have been through, and I don’t know what you have been through. Lets start giving everyone the respect they deserve. You have automatically dismissed everyone elses opinion in this forum. When I disagreed, you automatically claimed that I didn’t understand. Of course I understand that my love for my friends and family is different than my love for my spouse. Do you assume that i have the intellect of an eight year old? The argument is over the nature of love and what it means.
The truth is that you hate yourself. You are projecting your self hatred onto your family and blaming them for the way you are. If you loved yourself then you could never hate your family. They made you who you are.
There is nothing inherently wrong with you. From what I can see you are an intelligent, and attractive young man. You have everything anyone else has. But you choose to cling on to your anger and your bitterness. You have to let it go or it will eat your soul. You will never be punished for your anger, but always be punished by your anger. Choose to grow.
Move out of your parents home. It seems like proximity may be the problem. I moved away from my parents when I was 15.
Thats my bit, take it for what its worth. You can also choose to dismiss the whole thing and say I don’t know what I am talking about. Thats fine.
Best of luck to you Mitch. I will be praying for you and your family.

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@manimal, If you are going to troll me you should really try harder.

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@bobbylloydxd, First off in 20 years old, im not a teenager. Second i never dismissed your or anyone else’s point of views. I just disagreed with them. You and the other asshole are the only ones calling anyone out. I never told anyone how to live, you two seem to think you are so much smarter and better then me so you have to inform me how to live my life. Fuck off

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Bobby (190) (@bobbylloydxd) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, Look at yourself man. Getting all hot and bothered about some people on an internet forum. If what I said didn’t resonate with you, you wouldn’t get your feelings hurt about it. Sorry for guessing your age wrong by a few months.
Life isn’t a contest, there are no better or worse people. I am not trying to compete with you or beat you. I am trying to help you grow. Being angry and mean can’t be a happy existence. Underneath anger is hurt and underneath hurt is love.
Lets say that you don’t love your father, why does it bother you so much when he yells at you? Why so sensitive?
You need to learn to forgive your imperfections and love yourself. Once you do that you can learn to love others, and you will stop being so angry.
Peace and Love my brother

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, If you have problems with your family you should have probably started with that. Because basically what you’re saying with your post is that you can really love your wife some day, but your own children won’t love you like you don’t love your family now. If that’s what you want and just continue to be proud of being an individual with bad relations to your family then you can’t really learn from your own mistakes. It’s definitely not easy for people to love and be perfect and there are no perfect families. Though your family or anyone that is in your life won’t be around you if you just have bad relations with them. That’s obvious. Your parents aren’t going to be around in a long period of your life anyway, it’s your choice to enjoy your time with them or keep hating it and not helping yourself along the way. It’s very easy to run away from your problems and you really can do it, go way, get the fuck out of the place you can’t feel love.

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Marlon (97) (@shoeopener) 8 years, 2 months ago ago

And this is exactly why you hate idiots.

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@bobbylloydxd, once again you assume so much. You literally have no idea what my relationship with my father is. He used to choke me and scream at me and my mother and sister for nothing. Now i do not give 2 shits about what he says, it does not “bother me when he yells at me.” Why would it. If all you are going to do is try and make me look bad then stop posting in my topic. This is not about me and my relationship with my family.

@beyond, All im saying is that love is not love when its forced. i.e family, arranged marriages ect.

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icymore (11) (@icymore) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

this post makes me kind of sad. Do you not realize that we are capable of loving anyone? We’re all one, we all came from the same and will return to the same…nothing in this world will change for the better until we realize this. If I can love a stranger, I can love my family.

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icymore (11) (@icymore) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

I didn’t choose my child. Are you going to tell me I don’t really love him? This all boils down to a misunderstanding of what love is.

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icymore (11) (@icymore) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

“All im saying is that love is not love when its forced.”

that’s exactly right. You don’t have to love your father who choked you. You absolutely do not have to love your family, or anyone for that matter. But that doesn’t make is accurate to say that familial love isn’t really love at all, just because you don’t have it for your family. As for arranged marriages, many of these couples do grow to love each other and have strong marriages, and many couple who aren’t arranged but choose to marry end up hating each other.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, I agree. There is no way someone could express emotions they don’t feel without lying about it just to satisfy their own selfish needs. That’s one of the biggest problems in relationships and friendships.

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Manimal (2,998) (@manimal) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, Wow, what a way to avoid the questions and arguments. Well, if it keeps your petty little ego unharmed…

Ignorant fool, grow up and GET.OVER.YOURSELF.

If you can’t even discuss, what the hell are you even doing on this site?

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@manimal, lol

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@icymore, No, im saying that what you feel shouldnt be called love, it should be called something else.

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Deepak (37) (@deepak87) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, I have thought about the same question a lot of times earlier. Generally when society or external authorities impose anything on us, free thinker personalities tend to immediately rebel against it or play the devil’s advocate. I was kind of like that in my early adult days and I just didn’t understand how can it be a objective moral that you HAVE TO LOVE your immediate family, extended family, relatives etc. Whenever I asked people about this question, the question itself would make them squirm and they would give very emotional responses and look at me in a weird way like even asking that question is a sin.

In my childhood, I had a highly abusive and strained relationship with my sister. It started getting unbearable, so I tried to entirely weed her out of my life in-spite of staying in the same house. I stop all direct communication with her for 5 years. In the first year of doing this, there were some very unpleasant side effects. I was involuntarily ignoring all the people I came across, which I think is because I was rejecting such a big part of myself (I may say I am rejecting her, but if you see it more deeply, you are rejecting the personal experiences that this person has evoked in you, those experiences are ultimately yours, which is why I say it is actually a rejection of yourself)

Then I thought to myself, let me put society, whatever I have read, external authorities and all other people aside. I tried to introspect and apply pure reasoning to find the broad perspective behind this matter. I noticed that the external objects by themselves are quite inert. Its our projections on them that creates experiences. For e.g.: When you are sick, everything looks miserable and when you are elated, everything looks wonderful. The experience is because of your projections and not the things themselves. The things are immaterial :).

So if you had bad experiences with your mother, sister, relatives etc., one common tendency is to simply reject them and get them out of your identity definition. As you try to weed them out of your identity, you wonder how is love possible. But look at it from another perspective. You self is almost entirely defined by your memory. The frequency of memories and first experiences is far higher in early childhood years and then in adulthood it is much lower (which is why time appears to move faster as we age). So a majority of your identity(memory based) would be tied to your childhood experiences.

If you reject large parts of these experiences, then you are creating a divided mind within yourself. Your identity would become fragmented. If you want to self actualize and use your full potential, you would want to completely heal yourself from everything. I realized the best way is to forgive and accept everyone for whatever they did. At a larger level, forgive life itself for whatever it has given you and will give you. After all everything is a passing experience and nothing can touch the real you unless you hold on to it.

So yea, that’s my perspective to you.
Let me know if that helped :)

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Bobby (190) (@bobbylloydxd) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, the goal was never to insult you or make you look bad. Made no assumptions as to your relationship with your dad. The only assumption I made is that you are very young, which you are, but I guess saying the word teen muted my point. You choose to look for insults in what I say. I can’t control that.
I stand behind everything I told you. Every point I made remains valid. There were never any ill intentions and it is regrettable that you perceived it that way.
@deepak87, you explained that beautifully and eloquently. Better than I could have ever done.thank you. I’ll pay close attention to your future contributions. (:

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Shredder (16) (@shredder) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, What makes you think what icymore feels shouldn’t be called love? You should read my posts again and start realizing that that emotion that you know is possible of feeling with your spouse can be around all the time, and you can call it something different when it is felt apart from your wife, but logic would tell us that if the emotion feels the same it is not the word that needs to change for all situations it is felt in, but YOU that needs to REALIZE that love is not just physical intimacy with a spouse.

You don’t have to love anyone but you can choose to love EVERYONE. Try reading more of the blog posts from this site, especially the love experiment.

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

Maybe im just doing a bad job explaining myself. The real question i am posing, the reason behind this, my main point is: can you love someone when you are “forced to.” Is that real love? Can you really love your family when you didnt choose them and they turn our to be bad people? Would you still consider it love when you respect your family but do not get along with them. Would you consider love for a spouse stronger then love of a family member? Should there be two words for love? i.e love of family and friends and love of spouse.

These are the questions to be discussed. Not my personal relationships with my family, nor anyone else’s. I dont understand why everyone feels the need to try and tell me what love is. I know what it is, i have been in love before. Ill im asking for is a nice civil discussion on the topic.

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Mitch (1) (@mitchapalooza) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@bobbylloydxd, go back and look at what you said to me, how would anyone not think you were trying to fight with and bash my views.

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Shredder (16) (@shredder) 10 years, 1 month ago ago

@mitchapalooza, You haven’t fully decided you know what love is or you wouldn’t be asking about it. I’ve answered all of those questions at least once.

YES YOU CAN love when it is forced. YOU CAN ALWAYS LOVE. You just decide “i will love”, and you do it. The question is WILL you love? Probably not to people that treat you badly, but you still CAN, yes, and only you would know if you’re giving real love or not. Also, you decide how “strong” the love you give is.

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