I love people. I love to explore them and with them. Deep down I feel this.
Yet when I actually talk to people (be it friends, families or strangers) or when I meet up with them I feel numb or really anxious and insecure, lonely. I can’t really internally connect with them. Outwardly often I can, I talk about deep things for hours or just chat (though sometimes I am bored with chatting about how is it going what are you doing), try to find out about the other person, just make fun, open myself, talking about my problems or aspirations or feelings.
But I guess it isn’t real. While I am being “fun” really I am just terribly tense trying to mask it or turn it into something else and while I talk openly I am still inwardly closed.
Sometimes the experience is actually quite bad. I feel almost devasted. Really lonely and depressed. Still I don’t try to avoid these situations too much because I actually want to connect with people and want to get in touch with my self.
Honestly I feel closest to people when I am dreaming about them or just am relaxed and can feel them internally.
Any ideas how to change it?
Thank you very much for your ideas in advance. :)
When I am dozing or sleeping actually. Sometimes it creates a gap in the stream of constant pressure and stress and I feel more open and relaxed.
I lucid dream a lot (daily). It’s not always nice (actually sometimes it’s terrifying), but now and than it allows me to connect to my deeper self.
As far as waking activity goes, listening to music (when I am in the mood) tends to touch me and give me strength. Spending time outside (when I am not too much in my thoughts) can put me in touch with an inner freedom.
When I can, connecting with people makes me feel more complete, but unfortunately I rarely am able to.
Socially, I feel the most alive and and authentic when I am with children, I think.
I am saying to myself “thank God I am not alone” because in all actuality, that is how I feel- alone (although I am sorry for anyone else’s suffering) Reading all the replies here has really been helpful, especially the notion that Benjamin had with denying your own feelings being part of the problem. It’s not that the people aren’t being real to me, but that I am not being real with myself, and therefore I am not being real with them. The conversation can’t get any deeper if I am denying parts of myself.
I have feelings that I have to hide. I can’t let them show and even though I have to deny them and never dare speak them out loud, they are still there and trapped in me. No outlet. It’s eating away at me. Not sure where to dump them, and boy they are getting to be a heavy weight to bear.
If anyone who has been through this has any advice, I am sincerely open to suggestion.