Personally, I notice that anytime I’ve tried to change myself from the outside in, it doesn’t work. The “fake it til you make it” idea just leads me to feel like I’m acting. It feels effortful/false and not enjoyable. I feel like I’m putting on a facade, but it never registers any deeper than that. A big breakthrough I’ve had recently is that I realized I don’t really have to do anything in order to change. And as a byproduct of that, my actions have started to change too.
Have any of you had experience with success in top down methods to “change” yourself? Or is that just a BS idea that really doesn’t work?
A lot of motivations are based on the idea that being more accomplished makes us more worthy, as if we can earn love and presence. If you achieve things to be good to yourself instead of needing to be good then the resolve is more peaceful. The other thing is that people have to find a place to hold their faith strong to keep their will strong. Alcoholics Anonymous became successful because they added the higher power “God” element. Even when skeptical of that, people put their faith in the famous experts and aspire to become like them instead of simply being in their personal will.
It worked for me for periods when I was younger. When I completely lacked confidence I would attempt the whole ‘fake it til you make it’, and a lot of the time I was able to be the life and soul of the party, with people praising me often for my social confidence. Ultimately I always had an empty feeling though, and wasn’t ever being true to myself, or others, and whilst away from others I would be completely lost, as everything about myself was purely in regards to how I was with others.
I can see why practising the art of non change would actually lead to the greatest change, as once you give up on that mask so many wear it allows for greater reflection. If you don’t feel the need to have to be or do anything specific, then you have an opportunity to simply be. Whatever that is.
Now I couldn’t give a shit if I have nothing to say to people. I am not here for the justification of others behaviours. I actually kind of enjoy awkwardness now. We ain’t going nowhere if we feel comfortable all the time.