"Crushes" while in a relationship.

Ellie (@tangledupinplaid21) 9 years, 8 months ago

Do you guys have these? To what degree? Why or why not? etc etc etc.

May 10, 2012 at 6:40 am
Anonymous (2,833) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@tangledupinplaid21, they fucking suck don’t they.

Whenever someone says “how do you deal with a relationship for so long, I can’t do it.”

I say its fucking tough! Becoming committed to someone doesn’t all of the sudden make every other beautiful women hideously grotesque overnight. They are still walking around teasing me and being assholes.

I’m assuming you’re talking about real people and not TV star crushes or something, that I have no empathy for :P

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Hahaha no, real person. It’s not like I want to break up with my boyfriend to be with him or anything, I’m just really attracted. Fucks with my head a little sometimes.

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@tangledupinplaid21, Yeah I KNOW. I wish when you said you were committed every other girl (guy) became really ugly. :)

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

My girlfriend and I have been discussing this topic for a while now. We are together for almost 6.5 years now and have a very good relationship. Our fundamentals (trust, security, best friends, attractiveness, love) are very strong/healthy. We both know that if the other person would ‘make a mistake’ it would not be a deal breaker. We also both understand that in some rare cases it’s good/fun/nice to be intimate with someone else. If the other person wants this and can enjoy his/her one life more, then why not just get away with the monogamy norm? Especially in our generation, the norm isn’t automatically the best way to go.

I’ve been discussing this with some friends etc, but no consensus yet. But sometimes, when I am away and meet someone special, I want to be with her, and this doesn’t diminish my love for my girlfriend. Why shouldn’t this be allowed?

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, that would be awesome. Problem solved! haha.

@martijn, my boyfriend and I have bent the rules before, but we were always both involved… if that makes sense. We recently decided we’re going to be nothing but exclusive from here on out and that’s what I want. Bringing other people into the equation can make it messy and confusing.
What you’re saying makes perfect logical sense and I’m even a little jealous of it because I’d love to have the person I created this thread about… sexually…. haha, but I also think there’s a good chance I’d feel really guilty about it after. And there’s something about being devoted to one person that makes it more meaningful to me. I’ve thought about and debated this topic with people a lot, and it’s hard to explain.

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FindYourGreatness (345)C (@jpete011) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@martijn, If you don’t mind me asking: have you actually been romantically involved with other girls, while being in a relationship with your girlfriend? If so, how did she react?

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Nightowl (260) (@nightowl) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I remember chatting this out out with you a little a ways back.
I’ve had a lot of experiential insight into this myself since then…
My perspective I shared with you back then has shown to be very healthy, very free, and very natural. Not to mention highly enjoyable… I do have a lady I love most but no illusory taboo in my mind mentally chaining me to such. I assert my unalienable freedom to do whatever, and a couple times that has involved another lady.
It’s made me love the other no less, if not more, even though she doesn’t know it’s happened because it’s not really directly or very off-handedly RELEVANT to her, like the bear shitting in the woods is not directly or off-handedly relevant to your salad.

Most importantly to me, it acknowledges and behaves in resonance with the true natures of ourselves as both animals and gods, made from the energy of pure freedom of being

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@tangledupinplaid21, I see what you are saying. I am not so sure I would feel guilty, because I believe guilt stems from weakness. It’s thinking you need rules from the outside to control yourself, if you can’t follow them you should feel guilty. i’d rather make my own rules.

The devotion to one person will not be reduced in my opinion, and might even increase. (because love will actually become a lot closer to being unconditional. Because now it seems ‘only if you don’;t share your love with others, will I love you’. Which is kinda blackmail, no?) How can we ever test if we wouldn’t want someone else if we can;t even test it?

There is also value in having my girlfriend compete with other girls, which I think is only fair to some extent. (Same goes for me of course).

And there is also something to say about sharing your love. Isn’t it egoistical you exclude all other people from your love?

It;s quite a christian Dogma if you ask me, and I think I am strong enought to live in a world less bound by these.

@jpete011, I don’t mind asking. No, I have not been romantically involved. But I probably would have been 2-3 times in the 6 years. Same goes for my girlfriend. And in retrospect, we probably wouldnt have hurt the other and definitely pleased myself and the other girls.

At this point tho, we’re only still thinking about it. The messy/unknown part is what makes it tricky. You don’t want to ruin what you have now by doing something like this (but of course, you can also ruin it by not doing it).

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@nightowl, I like what you are saying :)

You think the bear/salad relevance is similar? Because a good argument against this is: It might chance you as a person.

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@martijn, I totally agree, except there is that jealously / inadequacy factor. Even if both me and my girlfriend agree that monogamy is just some hang up in society, we’d still probably feel bad after one of us broke that monogamy. Even with all logical structures in place, and all the logic you’ve given, there is still that stinging feeling.

If there was absolutely no risk that my girlfriend would feel bad, I would be totally fine with giving into sexual urges.

I’d always come back to her, as no one could replace her. But even letting her know this, I don’t think would displace that gut feeling of being cheated on or whatever.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@ijesuschrist, I agree with what you are saying. However, I think that jealously is the cause of monogamy. If my girlfriend touches a rock, I will not get jealous. It’s the taboo about what I can/can’t do where jealously stems from once the taboo is broken. Then I feel wronged/wronged another person. As soon as we take this away, and this is a gradual proces, I think we both can settle in our freedom and respect the other’s individuality (which now gets restricted by outside norms of society).

Of course I am not rejecting monogamy. It could be very well the case that we both have the freedom, and within that, choose to stay monogamous. However, not I don’t have that freedom, and I don’t think there is any solid foundation why I shouldn’t have (for instance, i don’t think people are inherently jealous if another person shares his love).

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It’s alright. Just keep that shit to yourself.

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Nightowl (260) (@nightowl) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@martijn you’ve got the right ideas!

“You think the bear/salad relevance is similar? Because a good argument against this is: It might chance you as a person.”
I do feel that it’s similar. Certainly they’re gonna be more offhandedly related than shitting bears and salad, since your Self is the common factor in all these interactions, but I don’t think that changing as a person is inherently an argument against what I’m saying.
We’re constantly changing, it’s the very nature of being alive. Whether we view it as such or not, all of these changes are Improvements. So, if the scenario does change you, it will improve you.
I can hear it now… “But what if my sig. other finds out, doesn’t like it after all, and leaves me? How will that be an improvement?!”
That thinking is in very ego-based and circumstance-tied terms, regarding reality thru the bias of your opinions as to how it ought be instead of how it really is.

—-
Your last post there hit it right on the head. JEALOUSLY is the cause of monogamy. And jealousy only exists because of paradigms this era of humanity has constructed, it is not an inherent reaction to sharing love.
The natural reaction to sharing love is to feel joy, even if it wasn’t you sharing or receiving it!
My approach is to simply allow all other gods the freedom that is natural to them, and assert my own use of the same…

@generaltitsvonchodehoffen, exactly.

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Ellie (1,363)M (@tangledupinplaid21) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@generaltitsvonchodehoffen, well I did get drunk and tell my boyfriend about it when we were at a party at this guy’s house. It took some more explaining the next day but I’m glad I was honest.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

People need more communication and less freaking the fuck out.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I love what Martijn said.

I am not so sure I would feel guilty, because I believe guilt stems from weakness. It’s thinking you need rules from the outside to control yourself, if you can’t follow them you should feel guilty. i’d rather make my own rules.

I am pretty sure that Charles Manson shared the same philosophy. :D

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Anonymous (2,833) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I don’t think the guilt really (in my case) would come from breaking “rules” but more so I’d feel guilty that I [may] hurt my loved one emotionally.

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Nightowl (260) (@nightowl) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Here’s a big chunk of a conversation I’ve had with Ellie:

When I love you, it is not an Other I love, but a Self!
So it is truly my Self that benefits from loving. Self and no other. Thus love, emotion, energy-in-motion I give you is energy I received… this defies what we think is law. By submitting ourself and the nature of our Love to the fears of those illusions we restrict ourself from feeling that it is providing love that creates it and allows us to feel it ourself! This is the cause of the illusory realities of lack etc. that we experience.
Your mental troubles with the restrictions of relationships is due to this. They are illusory attempts at making love exclusivistic, deeply dualized in otherness, and it defies the very nature of what love IS!
But failure to love is never a failure of love.
Your love, God’s love, is not just for one person. The whole world is made from every bit of love that you as God emit, from whatever wavelengths your love ripples…

Though, to different beings we must show it differently, for that is how love can be communicated to them. To many people on earth, their idea of love is so limited as to believe they only receive it when it is offered by the giver to them and only them. Is this the only meaning of love you wish to show them?
When we wish to show beings love, if we limit ourselves to showing them only the metaphors for love that they know we do not serve ourselves nor them. We limit the way we show and thus experience love to the fear-based limitations of love that “other”[ego] believes, and allow them to continue seeing Love’s reality, and thus reality, in error.
Confining your love reduces its release of energy, makes it dissipate. Then, without the emotion energy-in-motion, you look to “other” for energy when it comes only from Self! This creates dim, unconscious, poorly-lit and fearful realities. It will guaranteed dissonate-away relationships, as it has with millions of them in just a few generations, and ultimately give you the illusion of an unhappy and loveless experience…
Love doesn’t radiate linearly, it radiates spherically!
Any attempt to direct will repress!

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@nightowl, Damn, some great metaphysics! Does it work? Can one feel infinite love for everyone all the time? Or, is the wish for universal love another trick of the ego that runs from what is fear? Do you feel like that all the time?

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Anonymous (22) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@martijn You said “I don’t mind asking. No, I have not been romantically involved. But I probably would have been 2-3 times in the 6 years. Same goes for my girlfriend. And in retrospect, we probably wouldnt have hurt the other and definitely pleased myself and the other girls.”

In reality this works differently than in imagination I have found for me personally. I said the same thing but when it actually happened I got REALLY jealous (while I would not have expected myself to feel that way).

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Anonymous (30) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I think it’s pretty natural to have crushes on a lot of people. People are sexy-and chemistry between people is inevitable.

It actually makes it even more of a commitment when there are so many attractive people, and you stick with the person you’re with. It’s a compliment to them that at the end of the day, even with all the hot people out there, you want to be with them.

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Psychonaut (88) (@soulpilgrim) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Love & lust are different things.

I think it’s best not to stray as no one likes the thought of their partner being with someone else. No matter how philosophical they are about it all.

If you want to have different partners stay single. If you love your partner you stay just with them.

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ces’t la vie (197) (@citygirl9050) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@martijn, understand what you are saying completely… recently my boyfriend (of 2 years on and off) cheated on me because he lost his control and hooked up with this girl at a party (same party I was at). Maybe he was just way too drunk or something. Anyway, I decided to forgive him because I knew if he were sober or just a little less drunk than he was he wouldnt have done so, and i trust him enough to never do it again… But now that I am thinking about it, relationships are so hard and how can a person stay loyal forever? So it is better to stay honest and make rules. I am going off to college and he is most likely staying here so we decided to remain exclusive, but if we feel the need to hook up with other people that will be okay. Who knows what will happen or if we will even stay together… I hope for the best.

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Anonymous (53) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

While some couples can definitely make it work to hook up with others while in a relationship, I think if you deeply love a person, you don’t even want to hook up with other people. Not because you’re afraid to hurt your significant other but because you just don’t have the desire to. But then again, relationships can get boring and monotonous and I understand the exciting thrill of making out with someone new. Still… that stuff isn’t for me and I definitely wouldn’t want a relationship with someone who thinks that stuff is okay. It comes down to my values and my trust in them. Also, I don’t particularly want an STD ;p

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Nightowl (260) (@nightowl) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@martijn, Yeah all of those things, they aren’t necessarily mutually exclusive.
“It” doesn’t “work” it’s something You DO!
Can I feel infinite love for everyone all the time? I don’t believe as humans that we will… not that we can’t, but that we won’t, not in our experiences here. It involves way too much consciousness and wakefulness than I think the human vessel is created to channel… All of my experiences of omnicosmic love have simultaneously been out-of-body experiences, and pretty much out-of-my-mind moments too.

For that reason, yes, the wish for universal love is a trick of the ego – Because whether we ‘attain’ an experience of it or not, the truth is that universal love is not something we gain, but something we are & radiate, to whatever degree we oscillate.

As far as me feeling that way all the time, it depends on what way you mean I suppose… Yes, at all times, I’m completely open to the ability to move into states of immense and full-spectrum love with whoever with few circumstantial inhibitions. No, it is seldom that I feel brimming with love for everything I can set eyes upon. It’s a high state of fluid living meditation, a state that makes the concerns of trivial “romantic”-style relationships seem like childish selfish notions and misunderstandings about the potential of unleashed true love.

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