D.I.D. and consciousness (menal illness)

 Anonymous (@)6 years, 4 months ago

Nice to see you again HE!
I miss the positivity of this community, but I’ve been on a hiatus from the site for a while now.
(everything is so different! and not just because the site has changed)

I want to tell you about my experiences over the last couple years. For one thing- I have  2 year old son now, and that has been a seriously exciting trip… but Ive also had some other big life things occur that I think you might find interesting.
I was recently diagnosed with D.I.D. (Dissociative Identity Disorder)
Now, I realize there is plenty of controversy over this particular diagnosis, but if you want to ask me about it please remember to be respectful (though i might not have to say that in this community, respectful as you are.)

I feel like I’ve always had an awareness of higher consciousness- and the way we create our own reality… But I guess i never realized just how much of my own reality my brain was creating. That is, many selves, to interface with a reality that had traumatized me.
D.I.D. is a developmental disorder caused by early childhood trauma before a childs personality has been able to solidify into a single perspective.  Before the ages of 3-4 everyone has disparate selves that they apply to different situations, but as you get older, these identities coalesce into one personality.
Arguably, all people have different selves to interact in different situations- the self who talks to your parents, the self who goes to work, the one you use at home with your significant others.
The difference is, if you have something awful happen to you when you’re young that your child mind isn’t able or ready to process, especially if you’re having to deal with abuse you cant get away from- you brain goes,
“You know, this would be easier if it were happening to someone else.”
And a new identity is formed to house that trauma- the experience of it- until you are older and ready to process it.

The difference between a Person with D.I.D. and a neurotypical person is that you probably remember it when the self that talks to your mom has to go to work… you have a consistent perspective.
In the case of D.I.D. the different selves experience “dissociation” meaning they feel removed from their other selves. The other selves (or alters) have their own experiences that I do not remember.
Instead of a consistent perspective,
I have time loss and amnesia. (I am functionally not present when my other selves are)
My alters have different experiences than I have had, so we can sometimes seem like very different people. They functionally ARE different people, because of their different lives.
For example, I have very little recollection about what we used to talk about on this site, because it wasn’t “Me” who made it.

If you want to know about my experience or learn what its like to have D.I.D. you can read my blog about it here:
My Mental Illness Blog and if you’re looking for info: A few of my Accumulated Resources
(this is very very personal, so please keep that in mind)

The point I want to make about consciousness is this:
People talk about how our identities are always changing, how we are creating ourselves and our experience of reality. I feel like, however painful a lot of my struggle with mental illness has been, I have the unique privilege to be able to see just how fluid consciousness can be, and just how subjective identity truly is.
I am not the same person who made this account years ago. Because of things that happened to me, I don’t remember being younger than 11. That’s just how we see our reality.

Now that I’m diagnosed I’m tired of hiding it.
I want to be honest with people about who we are, both for my own emotional health, and because the stigma of mental illness is hellacious. People aren’t exposed to it and thus do not understand.

I want to be open so that people who wouldn’t otherwise have a context for mental illness can be educated and informed. Not everyone experiences the world in the same way.
I guess I’m kinda outing myself, and that’s scary- but what is even more frightening to me is a world wherein we don’t think to examine consciousness in terms of identity, wherein we only examine consciousness in terms of how it is perceived by mentally healthy people.
Consciousness is inherent- and it can be flavored by trauma, and hallucinations, and amnesia.
The way we view consciousness is dependent on the cultures we come from, on the people we interact with. & i feel its important to talk about consciousness in terms that acknowledge how its perceived by neurodivergent people, and even by animals… consciousness is bigger than just humanity.
(how arrogant we are to only think of consciousness in human terms!)

Consciousness is a property of matter (see: quantum physics) If were going to talk about it we have to talk about consciousness in terms of a force of nature. (that’s my belief) Its not enough to only think of consciousness in terms of people. What about the consciousness of the planet, the galaxy?
What about consciousness in terms of forests?
What about the consciousness of your child self? Is that a state you can revisit? Why or why not?
My child self lives in my head, you see, that consciousness is not gone from me- and that raises a lot of existential questions which i am constantly pondering and have theories for.
Consciousness is in everything, in every state of matter, in every time- which is an illusion.
Its spectacular- and I don’t think we even have the tiniest grasp of the implications of consciousness as a species yet.
So were here- and we want to talk about it!

I think this life is a journey of self discovery.
I think we choose our own path, and even when it leads to really dark places it teaches us something about the human condition- maybe how to be more human, if we listen. (though it sure as hell isn’t easy)

If you have any questions for us don’t hesitate to send a message! (seriously, i love messages)
I hope I can meet more people that I can be genuine with, and maybe offer some of my own unusual insight.
I’ll post more in the future, but just being honest about my brain is kinda a huge success in and of itself, so ill leave you for now.
Thanks for reading & have an insightful day!
-Etalia

May 5, 2015 at 2:26 pm
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