Dealing with loss, and guilt.

Gabriel (@gabelovescheese) 8 years, 8 months ago

About 7 hours ago, I hit one of my cats.. This cat was especially dear to me because it was the daughter of one of my very good cats that got hit this last fall. I was going to my friends house who lived down the road to get my phone charger. As I backed out the driveway one of my cats kind of rolled out from underneath the car. He looked really startled. But I proceeded to back up. As I continued I thought “I hope Sprout (the cat I killed) isn’t up in the car!”. But I proceeded. As I drove down the road I thought about how she would drop from the car if she was underneath it in the pipes and gears and what else is to make up a car. I got my phone charger which literally only took my two minutes tops, considering how close my friend lives. And as I was coming home I saw poor little Sprout laying in the road. I drove over her, (not hitting her, I really don’t think I hit her then) and then stopped. I ran over to her. All the meat,skin, and fur and everything was removed from her tail. It was just bone for a tail. What was originally on her tail was just balled up hanging at the end of the tail. I called my mom for her to run outside and help me. We picked her up and put her in a towel and got in the car and started calling vets. I live out of town so we started to drive to town. After only a few minutes sprout passed.

What kills me most is that I don’t even know what happened. It’s obvious it was my doing. But I don’t know anything for sure. I feel so guilty. She looked at me with her little eyes. I could see how much pain she was in. To me, her eyes were saying “Why did you do this to me?”. I can’t get her eyes or just any of the graphic images out of my head. I keep asking myself “What have I done?”. I just can’t get over what I did tonight. I loved that kitten so much. She was barely a year old. The only comfort I can find is that she is with her father now. Pretty much I am writing this to hear some good words, and maybe stories of your own to help me in this time of pain.

Namaste

March 27, 2013 at 1:26 am
~ Lady M ~ (20) (@modusoperandi) 8 years, 8 months ago ago

I am sorry that this scenario happened.
Don’t worry about your cat – she reincarnated in some higher creature because of the way she died.
About you… Well… Walk more.

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Gabriel (20) (@gabelovescheese) 8 years, 8 months ago ago

@modusoperandi, Thanks. That was somewhat helpful. But telling me to walk more only adds to my guilt. It was a cold dark night in Wisconsin. Walking was the last thing on my mind. Especially with all the strange phenomena in my part of the woods.

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Shu (32) (@shupac) 8 years, 8 months ago ago

@gabelovescheese, Sorry to hear about Sprout. My apartment building burned down in Nov of 2011. My 7 month old puppy died in the fire. The fire actually turned out to be the best thing that could’ve happened to me. Although I was devastated by the loss of Andre (my puppy), I learned to accept things and not to put labels on events. Death is a part of life and life itself has no meaning; it’s us who give it meaning. When we lose loved ones, it hurts. That pain is a natural part of life. However the suffering that we feel is from attachment, and that is a choice.

You have the choice to feel guilty and to feel sad, and you can choose to do so for as long as you want or need to. However know that this is your choice.

This is the story of my loss. Maybe it’ll be of some inspiration for you.

http://www.socialconfident.com/2013/03/20/my-story-of-awakening-pt-1-the-fire/

Shu
http://www.SocialConfident.com

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Gabriel (20) (@gabelovescheese) 8 years, 8 months ago ago

@shupac, thank your for your sympathies! I read your story. I’m so sorry about Andre. He’s a cute little thing. But I love how you were a little anti-social and reluctant to stay at the halloween party. But you stayed, had a great time, and met some great people. It reminds me of events in my life. I have a lot of social anxieties. The nights where I just want to go home, end up being the most fun, and most memorable.To imagine how different your life would be if you didn’t stay at the party… Its funny how life is like that. And your friend Corey seems like a great friend. And I have much respect for him trying as hard as he could to find Andre. but you can only do so much. glad hes okay. Your story was very uplifting. and put my mind at ease/in a good state. thank you so much. your story was more than inspiring. it makes me happy to know that someone in such an exciting city as San Francisco could listen to my story. out of a small town in the midwest. thank you!

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Shu (32) (@shupac) 8 years, 8 months ago ago

@gabelovescheese, aww thank you hun! Yes, Corey is a great friend. He just moved in with his girlfriend and I went to their housewarming party last weekend. They’re doing great.

So I saw that you’re in Wisconsin. I actually grew up in Madison. Went to UW-Madison as well :)

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Gabriel (20) (@gabelovescheese) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@shupac, so sorry to take so long to reply! and thats kickass! I spend a great deal of my time in madison! Makes me happy you probably know the joys of state street!

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Sean (24) (@thrash197) 8 years, 7 months ago ago

@gabelovescheese, Some positive points that I can think of is that you are feeling guilty because you cared about the cat, and caring is a good thing. There are some people that have done the same thing and not cared. Try to look at your feelings as a reminder that you are a good person, a good person who made an unfortunate mistake. We all make mistakes. A bad person can make a minor mistake just as easily as a good person can make a big mistake.

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