Do you want to get more respect from the people around you?
You see, back in high school especially, I was afraid to stick up for myself. I got picked on and walked all over on a constant basis. You know, people pushing me around, talking behind my back, calling me a nerd in my face (which I happily agree to, now), and all sorts of other bullshit.
I just wasn’t respected. Most importantly, I didn’t want to push back to them and become similar to the people who treated me like shit. I was always taught to treat others like you want to be treated, so whenever I got shat on I just brushed it off and told myself that karma would kick them in their ass one day.
This was great, except for the fact that this was building up a lot of resentment in me for allowing myself to be treated like crap. All because I wanted to be “nice”.
If this has happened to you too, then you know exactly what I’m talking about.
So when I first got into personal development, this was an answer that I was looking for. I changed my mindset around these observations that I’m about to show you, and I started getting respect from the people around me. And at the same time, I wasn’t being an asshole or disrespectful to others. Perfect.
I never found this information encapsulated in one place, so I decided to write an article on it.
If you feel like you get disrespected a lot or not sure how to stand up for yourself in the right way, this article will make a lot of sense and will provide you with a “framework” (if you want to call it that) on how you can demand respect without turning into the person that you hate.
Here’s the link: http://www.innergladiator.com/demanding-respect/
@feren6, Lots of good points! Except very crucial contradictory ones.
1. If you’re not demanding respect to begin with, you didn’t need it. So it’s more valuable to drop the need than focus on what’s beneficial of being treated a certain way.
2. You’re still a dick, you’re just hiding your real intentions. That makes you the biggest dick with a brain around with hints of temperance.
3. Speaking up your mind excludes valuing everyone around you. There’s no difference between “demanding” respect and crying like a bitch for respect. :)
“These people weren’t liked as much, and although they spoke their opinion MUCH more and were more forceful about it, it wasn’t taken with much weight.”
Self-labeling yourself as nice is like claiming you won an imaginary championship and you’re wearing imaginary medals. You know, it’s like saying you love children and you’re a very good parent without the evidence. Suspicious.
You wouldn’t believe it, but I actually liked the article.
Thanks for taking a look at the article and giving some feedback :) Some interesting points you noticed, and here are my thoughts on em:
1. Having respect from people around you is important, especially when you’re in a leadership position. When you are respected, people listen and care about you. It’s not about the need to demand respect from others, and in the article I make it clear that it’s not about demanding it. It’s about earning respect. It’s about being a respectful and respectable person yourself.
2. What are you talking about? You aren’t a dick if you don’t put up with people’s bullshit for not being treated with respect. You’re expecting others to treat you with human decency.
3. I agree, as I say in the article. Quoted from myself: “I was that asshole who just tried to force my opinion on everyone else, which is still the same insecurity of feeling disrespected, just expressed in a different way.”
Speaking up is great, but not when you’re trying to speak louder than others to make yourself feel important or heard. It doesn’t work, and you come off as an asshole.
“Nice” in this sense I mention is NOT a good term. There is no imaginary medal at all.
Huge difference between a “nice guy” who hides his real intentions, desires, and values in order to be liked, whereas the “good guy” fights for the greater good and values his own judgement.
Anyways, I’m a little confused because you wrote your response like criticism, but everything you wrote agrees with what I said ;)
@feren6, I think now I know what you mean by standing your position “without judgment”. “You aren’t a dick if you don’t put up with people’s bullshit for not being treated with respect.” What I didn’t mention is that there are always going to be people thinking you’re a dick or an asshole for the same reasons, but the true dicks are always going to be those that don’t follow when another person decides to speak up, ignores more than “listens like an emperor” (or just simply listens, I don’t understand the emperor thing) AND values only his own judgment. Overall I don’t think coming out as an asshole is as bad as you’re presenting it, because that’s a judgment itself and caring about it contradicts with your “advice” so to say. :) There’s a radical saying I like that I think speaks for everyone: “critics are just dreamers gone scared”. I think it’s true, because self-criticism is the main reason people start believing they’re dick or assholes.
Anyway, good stuff. Thanks for replying.
@beyond, “self-criticism is the main reason people start believing they’re dick or assholes”
Never thought of it that way, but that makes sense. And you’re right about that — but of course people still don’t want to come off as assholes and still get the respected :)
Love that quote..I’m gonna reflect on that one tonight.
Rock on man!
@feren6, i saw this article a while ago on FB….I have to say, I like it. One thing I like about it is how similar our stories are, getting disrespected or at least not being taken seriously back in the day, but not doing anything about it because we didn’t want to become nasty people ourselves and unfortunately, resentment crept up on us both. I just think it’s funny, because I used to feel that I was the only one that this happened to, and though I did not know you then, I see how you are now versus what you described as the past and it’s very reassuring to know that such a great leap is possible.
Glad you like it, Dan.
And yeah man! I don’t want to be one of those guys who just tells you “anything is possible”/”you can do it!”, but especially in these cases it’s just shifting focus from “am I liked?” to “am I providing value?”.
Because when you provide value to the people around you, you call the shots. You can decide that the people not respecting you don’t belong in your life, and you have all of the options in the world. This applies to jobs, friends, women, etc.
Most people aim to be picked first for the game of kickball..I’m suggesting that you aim to be the team captain and make the first pick ;)