Depression and Love, Insight please

 Koda (@gonzo1603) 7 years, 8 months ago

So I have been seeing this girl for about a year and a half, our relationship could best be described as unconventional in the sense that we were “open” (open meaning that when we were apart we were to see other people but with a certain set of rules). This was because we were both attending school and met over the summer while she was on break, but unfortunately she attends school about 2 1/2 hours away. However, distance was not an issue as we were very much in love and thoroughly enjoyed each others company when possible; we would text and talk frequently and it was basically as though we were in a committed relationship. This was honestly one of my best and most fulfilling relationships to date. There were of course issues at times about other people (I’m sure you can figure out what that entails) but we got through it because of how much we cared for one another.

Unfortunately, during the past few years I have been dealing with depression on and off, with some points being very, very low. Sometime around November 2013 I slipped into a deep stretch of depression due mostly to school and what I actually want to do in life. I completely lost control and subsequently ruined my semester, during which I became extremely lonely and felt disconnected from reality (living alone probably didn’t help). I turned to her for support and comfort but since she was away at school I now realize that I came off as extremely needy, weak, and unmotivated. I could feel that I was pushing her away and it was clear when she came home for Thanksgiving as she didn’t seem happy with me for a majority of the time. Even though I realized that what I was doing was pushing her away, I was seemingly unable to stop myself. It only got worse over the next month until she came home again for Winter break. When she first came home we had a decent talk about our relationship, basically saying how since we were both almost done with school that we would most likely be doing different things and wouldn’t be able to continue the way we were going (she plans to teach overseas for a year or two). I was fine with this because I knew it was coming eventually and we are too young to commit completely. After this discussion we were fine for about a week or so, until I started to become frustrated because she was extremely distant both emotionally and physically.

Since at this point I was very weak mentally, with the depression in complete force, paranoia set in after I realized how much she was texting while purposely shielding it from me. I’m not by any means proud of what I did during this period and hate myself for doing it now, I decided to read some texts of hers. Sure enough I find out about two other guys she was currently talking to, both of whom she seemed to have no problem being involved with if you can deduce what that means. I also read a few texts between her and her best friend, discovering that she did not feel the same way about me anymore and had originally planned to end things with me completely. After learning all this I attempted to talk to her and get her to tell me the truth multiple times, only succeeding in pushing her further away and making her angry.

New Years rolled around and she didn’t want to spend it together at all, but ended up going out with me anyways. Everything was great for most of the night and we behaved like we used to; generally very happy to be with one another. Later on in the night, around 3 am, we returned to my apartment and I tried to get her to come with me to meet up with some of our friends for a little bit and finish our alcohol (originally the plan). She refused and insisted I go and that she would be waiting for me when I got back. I reluctantly agreed and met up with friends for about an hour or so. When I came home I found her asleep (expected), however when I tried to wake her up she was very angry. I got angry as well and started drinking a lot of whiskey (poor choice) and soon enough found myself reading texts again. What I found was extremely hurtful as I found that she had been texting one of the other guys right around midnight saying how much she “needed” him along with other things. This was heartbreaking because of how happy we seemed at that point in the night. I lost control and was completely furious, waking her up and ending up in a huge fight (nothing violent of course but a lot of yelling). She woke me up early the next morning after removing all of her stuff and saying she was going to stay at her moms and that we needed some space for a few days. It only got worse from there as she completely ended things with me soon after. She still came to my bands gig the next weekend and seemed as though she missed me but wouldn’t allow herself to do anything that would send “the wrong message”. Since then she has returned to school and as of now we are not talking because we would only fight and she refuses to speak to me.

Basically, I am extremely hurt that things have ended up where they are now because she has been my best friend for as long as I’ve known her. Especially since she knows everything about what has been going on with me recently and her reluctance to help or support me. Regardless of all this I still love her very much and just want to be able to fix things and also get back on track in my own life but I don’t know what to do. There is obviously a great deal more to this story so feel free to ask questions for more details, etc. I would just really appreciate the insight or advice any of you may provide. Thanks.

February 6, 2014 at 10:35 pm
Pete (47) (@Peter770) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

Obviously she and the relationship meant more to you than you or it did to her. Accept this. It’s non-negotiable.
I must ask; why did you invest so much into an open relationship??

You need to drop it, cease contact and move on. It’s all you can do.
Tough thing to swallow I know, but years from now you’ll see it’s the only thing to do and you’ll avoid embarrassing yourself by doing the stalkerish, needy, puppy dog type thing.
In fact, the ONLY way to get her back is to move on. A paradox I know, but as it stands she don’t respect you dude, but if she sees you walk away and get your head right, there’s a chance of you both picking it up again. Girls are like that – it’s not the sale that get’s them, it’s the takeaway.

As for depression well my advise is to get that sorted first. Meditation is a great place to start. Research, mindfullness. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings, almost as a second person would, will allow you to not be so effected by them. (Psychotropic drugs should be a last resort, and only for serious chemical imbalances).
As for the hurt, try EFT. I wrote a bit on it here a while back: https://www.highexistence.com/topic/e-f-t-aka-tapping/

Goodluck mate.
Time heals all wounds, but you can speed up the process with the right tools :)

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Pete (47) (@Peter770) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

Obviously she and the relationship meant more to you than you or it did to her. Accept this. It’s non-negotiable.
I must ask; why did you invest so much into an open relationship??

You need to drop it, cease contact and move on. It’s all you can do.
Tough thing to swallow I know, but years from now you’ll see it’s the only thing to do and you’ll avoid embarrassing yourself by doing the stalkerish, needy, puppy dog type thing.
In fact, the ONLY way to get her back is to move on. A paradox I know, but as it stands she don’t respect you dude, but if she sees you walk away and get your head right, there’s a chance of you both picking it up again. Girls are like that – it’s not the sale that get’s them, it’s the takeaway.

As for depression well my advise is to get that sorted first. Meditation is a great place to start. Research, mindfullness. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings, almost as a second person would, will allow you to not be so effected by them. (Psychotropic drugs should be a last resort, and only for serious chemical imbalances).
As for the hurt, try EFT. I wrote a bit on it here a while back: https://www.highexistence.com/topic/e-f-t-aka-tapping/

Goodluck mate.
Time heals all wounds, but you can speed up the process with the right tools :)

[Hidden]
Pete (47) (@Peter770) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

Obviously she and the relationship meant more to you than you or it did to her. Accept this. It’s non-negotiable.
I must ask; why did you invest so much into an open relationship??

You need to drop it, cease contact and move on. It’s all you can do. THERE IS NO WAY TO CHANGE THEIR MIND AND GET THEM BACK AS IT STANDS.
Tough thing to swallow I know, but years from now you’ll see it’s the only thing to do and you’ll avoid embarrassing yourself by doing the stalkerish, needy, puppy dog type thing.
In fact, the ONLY way to get her back is to move on. A paradox I know, but as it stands she don’t respect you dude, but if she sees you walk away and get your head right, there’s a chance of you both picking it up again. Girls are like that – it’s not the sale that get’s them, it’s the takeaway.

As for depression well my advise is to get that sorted first. Meditation is a great place to start. Research, mindfullness. Being aware of your thoughts and feelings, almost as a second person would, will allow you to not be so effected by them. (Psychotropic drugs should be a last resort, and only for serious chemical imbalances).
As for the hurt, try EFT. I wrote a bit on it here a while back: Topic titled “EFT aka tapping”

Goodluck mate.
Time heals all wounds, but you can speed up the process with the right tools :)

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Koda (156) (@gonzo1603) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

anything..?

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Thought depths (4) (@jiggaboo) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

Well you seem like you are kind of cut off from the rest of reality. What you need to do is get with everything else, start experimenting with some new ladies. Break off from this past because its pretty obvious the only thing this girl is doing is holding you back. Its going to take time to get back to the norm but what you need to do is focus less on what happened with this girl, and more on meeting new girls. There is so many more people to meet and converse with so get to it. Don’t expect to get different results by doing the same thing everyday. Depression is just a made up state of mind you can change it whenever you choose to.

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Bradydunnn101 (1) (@Bradydunnn101) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

I would give her space, I had a similar issue that was just recently resolved after almost three years of no communication. She’s happy in a relationship, and I’m happy for her, and we’re as good as friends as we were before when we were dating.

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Anonymous (481) (@) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

This is just my opinion, but from reading this, I feel like you were never really in love with her, you were infatuated, excited to be in a relationship, but it didn’t seem genuine. Remember, I’m basing my view point on half a page of writing, only you know if it really was something special. But I CAN tell she’s a dishonest person and you can’t expect her to change. Even if your relationship was open she should have told you if she was sleeping with three guys on the side. I also noticed something about you, when you were in your depression, you were afraid of coming off weak and needy, that shows that you were actively thinking of her impression of you, and this means you were shaping the way you presented yourself based on your interpretation of how she would react. You weren’t being yourself, you were putting a boundary up because you were afraid of being hurt, this is completely normal human behavior, and its fine, but the only way a relationship can last and mean something is if both parties completely let down the walls they put up to avoid being hurt. Once you find someone you can completely relax into you’ll know that you’ve found love… And I don’t think you’ve found it in her… But that’s just my interpretation.

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Koda (156) (@gonzo1603) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

thanks for the advice, especially @thomaschong, there was a period where we both let down the boundary but something changed towards the end there, I realized she wasn’t being honest a few months ago and it kind of threw me off and i think made the rest of my issues worse but you’re pretty spot on. and @jiggaboo, believe me i’ve been thoroughly experimenting with different ladies haha the getting back to reality and pulling myself out of the depression is the hard part

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La’pire (1) (@crazyvisions) 7 years, 8 months ago ago

Because of you coming off weak probably was a turn off, if she really cared about you she would’ve understood the problems you were having. Even though you were in an open relationship she should have let you know what she was doing and what was going on. But you probably wouldn’t want to be with someone that would sleep with 3 different guys and wouldn’t care to let you know. For the depression part, I have experienced that and still is. It is something very difficult to get through. Sometimes you have to throw yourself into the things that you like doing and that makes you happy. Find something that can distract you for a long period of time. Something that I do is draw, it really takes up a lot of time and I really enjoy it. I also like to spend hours and hours on the internet to, time flies. Just sitting around thinking about the negative doesn’t make anything better and I now realize that.

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