desperate for brutal honesty on current relationship and advice.. please

Jessica (@bacon) 9 years, 8 months ago

Ok, so I have talked with my girls about my current messy relationship but they are all too nice to say what they actually think and I know that I will get some brutally honest comments from you HEthens… which is what I am looking for.

I have been going out with this guy for three months. After the first couple of weeks I thought I had met my dream guy. Then he started turning up hours late when we had arranged to meet and kept letting me down, and finally he admitted that he had a drinking problem and that the times when he was late was because he was down at the pub. Great that he admitted it, but not cool and despite giving up drinking for a couple of weeks, he has now deemed himself ‘cured’ and is back on the booze though not as badly as before. He is very insecure. He says he trusts me but then about a month back, before he stopped drinking, he was pissed out of his face and threatened my boss, convinced that he has a thing for me. My boss, after much persuasion from me, admitted that my boyfriend had threatened to kill him and his family if he didn’t ‘back off.’ My boyfriend does not know that I know this. I broke up with him but he made the biggest effort to get back with me and I was convinced that he was genuinely sorry and he seemed embarrassed by the whole ordeal. So decided, eventually, to give him a second chance, as he agreed to stop drinking.

He has a history of violence. In the short time that I have known him, he has nearly been sent to prison twice. Just before he threatened my boss, he was on a night out and his ex girlfriend rang him up in distress because two drugged up guys who live on the same floor of her apartment had let themselves into her home. My boyfriend drove round (drink driving is something he does regularly) and knocked out one of the guys. The other one managed to run away. If the guy prosectutes, he could lose his job, face prison or community service (he had only just completed his 240 hour community service from a previous conviction when I met him) Besides violence, he gets involved with selling drugs. You could say that he hangs around with a bad crowd.

When I said earlier that he is insecure, it isn’t just about my boss but other things which I perceive as petty. He takes everything I do very personally and is very sensitive. He is constantly making comments about me not texting him enough while I am at work, not telling him I love him enough, he doesn’t like some of the clothes I wear and though he says hes not being controlling, I feel like his is, and feel kind of trapped. He gets in a stress when I have made plans and not given him enough notice and says that we don’t spend enough time together, when he practically lives at my house. I see him every morning, then all evening when we get home from work.

I am so unhappy and I have told him this and I have asked him to come round tonight to chat but he is very good and telling me things which cloud my judgement and make me want to believe that things will be different. He is refusing to even come round tonight because he knows that I want to end it.

I really don’t know what to do for the best, how to talk to him or what to say. When we talk, he manages to twist is around so that I start to feel guilty. The worst part is, on a whole he is a great guy. That might be hard to believe because of the picture I have just painted of him. I do have really strong feelings for him and I desperately want things to work out, but its always one thing after another. I never expected us to have a perfect relationship and I consider myself to be a very laid back person but this is just ridiculous and I am sick of making excuses about his behaviour. A little advice would be good. Thanks.

May 30, 2012 at 11:58 am
Cody (472) (@versai) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Sounds manipulative. Neither of you seem to believe in it working in the long run, so you’re both selling it short by trying to control the other for the amount of time you are together. Unless you’re truly in love, I doubt either will change for the other. You’ll continue lusting each other for convenience, but will you be happy? If someone were fumbling dates 2-3 weeks into the relationship I’d be worried they were using me and aren’t interested anymore.

If I were a doc I’d prescribe you both dissociate drugs and let you hash it out psychically.

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Martijn Schirp (112,780)A (@martijn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Maybe it’s time to be brutal honest with yourself and look for reasons why you still want his attention, because it’s not healthy and you know it, yet you keep rationalizing everything away, which indicates a defence mechanism for something you don’t want to see.

Why do you need others to tell you what you already know?

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Sounds like a great guy with drinking problems who’s not a coward. :) You better ask your boyfriend about your boss, because he might be lying. Maybe your problem is you’re too laid back and want him to like your clothes much and make him be always on time. That’s all I gathered from your story, everything else sounded completely normal.

@alexandriabee, why the fuck would you piss off an angry drunk?

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Dom (78) (@dominickjohn) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@bacon, You’re on high existence. He’s driving drunk to knock people out. I’d say that’s enough contrast to see this relationship is not the best fit lol.

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Avery (8) (@lheenan16) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Get out! You deserve so much better.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

^ Brutal honesty failure. Seriously guys, language. I cannot see any reason for this guy to be even dating you @bacon, How the fuck did you try to help him with his problems, because apparently he is still drinking. I feel sorry for this guy.

If I was you, I’d explain to him that I am not of any help to him at all, and if you do this, he’ll probably try to comfort you, because you will be right.

Good luck. Sincerely. :)

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TheSkaFish (962)M (@theskafish) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I’m sorry if this is off-topic, but you said that he knocked out a person who was on drugs who let himself into his ex-girlfriend’s home, presumably uninvited? And his ex didn’t want these guys there? I don’t see what is wrong with knocking out someone who lets themself into your home without your permission, isn’t that trespassing on their part and knocking them out is just acting in self-defense? Again I guess this isn’t really what you are asking but I just find it strange that you can be found at fault for trying to get someone out of your house who you don’t want there.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

Well, I haven’t heard of a relationship that went well where: “Ok, so I have talked with my girls”

Who the fuck does that? Having nothing else to do and talk to everyone about whether or not you should be looking for a reason again to break up with someone.

Fuck that. :) I imagine if I have a girlfriend like that. Sharing so much on a forum somewhere how her complaints couldn’t get anymore pathetic, because she’d be scared to talk to me? Ummm… no.

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Bryan Hellard (307)M (@xyver) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

@bacon, “The worst part is, on a whole he is a great guy”

I’m sorry, I didn’t see any examples of that in the story. Or are you deluding yourself?

@theskafish, I was thinking the same thing. The drunk driving is a little sketchy though

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Kevin (12) (@mongie52) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I agree with Martijn. The way you described him. I didn’t read anything nice about him in what you said, so obviously you are focusing on downsides to the relationship.. which isn’t how it should work. By painting the picture the way you did, you clearly know this too!

The way I go about deciding if the relationship is right for me is: I picture what I want out of life solely by myself, then think about whoever i’m with.. do they add or subtract to my vision? does the other person help me grow and acheive what i want or do they only hinder? things like that.. Sometimes it’s real easy to get wrapped up in a love story and forget about the life u had before.. easy to forget the reality of situations.

So anyway, what i’m really tryina get at is that I wouldn’t advise you to do anything except think about this situation ur in and the rest of your life and make your own decision. You know what’s best for You.
Good luck!

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Kevin (12) (@mongie52) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

oh yeah and @bacon, :p

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EternallyCurious (6) (@eternallycurious) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

I agree with @martijn, it almost seems to me like he is a…project? You have some hope that his love for you and vice versa will be strong enough to change him and make him become a better person.

And also, you only have one life to live. Why surround yourself with people who are less than positive influences/forces in your life?

@bacon, are you maybe afraid that by leaving him you will only make him worse? His issues are not your responsibility. He ALONE can change himself. You can encourage someone to do anything, but if they do not want it 100%, nothing you say or do will be enough to change them.

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amatore (0) (@amatore) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

If your story is real, get out now, take a vacation and ground yourself in reality, recenter yourself. then ask the universe for a proper guy.

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Jessica (0) (@bacon) 9 years, 8 months ago ago

thank you, this is what I needed. You are all right, I am only trying to convince myself. I do only have one life to live and why waste it with someone who is negative and gets in trouble and doesnt treat me right. I appreciate the honesty from all of you.
Hopefully the things you have said will give me the strength to do what I truly want – which is to end it. I am deluding myself, hoping the situation will get better when really I know it wont.
Thanks for all your comments. Sometimes its good to hear people asking me ‘what the fuck are you doing?’ because it does give me that kick back into reality which my friends don’t often give me.

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Alicia Lee (146) (@aliwine) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

So instead of starting a whole new post for basically a similar answer I decided to go off this one (since @bacon, got her answer =], which I am happy to see. I would tell him to go to rehab if I was in that situation even if I was to be with or without him)

Anyways my current problem is my boyfriend as well, we have been together for three years and we were together for a year when we were younger. He isn’t the father of my son but he supports my son and I no questions asked. Over all he is a very good man, but lately he’s been getting angry at me for the most irrational things and seems to be brooding and angry a lot. He won’t open up to me and I try not to pry because I know that’s not a good thing to do for a man like him.

Anyways, today I have just had a big “WTF??”. He got “annoyed” at me earlier in the day when I didn’t want to go for a bike ride (even though we had a group ride planned for later in the day). I am awaiting an important e-mail from my boss so I want to be home to catch it in case she has any questions for me, and so I can get my work schedule sorted out (I am a supply educator). Since we are young money is often a little tighter that I would like it to be so getting this sorted out is really important to me and should be to him too. He spent the majority of the day brooding in our room and reading all because I didn’t want to ride and has hardly spoken to me. When the time to go out for the group ride came I asked if he was sure I should come since it is all men in the group that ride very regularly and physically I knew I wouldn’t be able to keep up. He told me to come anyways. The beginning of the ride was fine and at one point he accidentally cut me off and I got a large bruise on my calf which didn’t bother me since I have a high pain tolerance and it was an accident. On the way back from the “end” of the ride I was having trouble keeping up and he kept telling me to “push it”, I responded “I don’t want to push too hard because I don’t have my inhaler” and then the bad mood returned. When the group went their separate ways I apologized for not being able to keep up, and said that’s why I wasn’t sure if I should have came in the first place. Again he told me to push myself- I really don’t like repeating myself and he knows I didn’t have my inhaler and was also sore from him cutting me off and having fallen off my bike. We ended up parting way on the way home and I took a detour since I didn’t want to be around him and his crankiness. When I got home he was back in the room again. I went in and took off leggings I had been biking in and discovered more bruises on my legs I had not noticed and when I pointed them out he didn’t even care (this doesn’t bother me much because the once I didn’t notice don’t hurt). So now I am sitting alone, in the living room and the bruise on my calf is now a welt (which does actually hurt) and he is not speaking to me. What is his problem?!!? And have I handled this situation in a proper manner?

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Alicia Lee (146) (@aliwine) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I guess I shouldn’t say similar answer, but more so similar question of not understanding a partners inner workings.

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Carina (99) (@misssunbeam) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@aliwine, It sounds like you really should confront him about this mood he’s been in. He might have something going on you don’t know about, or he needs someone to listen to his own worries and help him lift the weight from his shoulders. If he doesn’t respond well to your questions, just let him simmer a bit, he’ll come round and communicate. Men, like women, have hormonal ups and downs, and he may just be experiencing a bit of a down right now.

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Alicia Lee (146) (@aliwine) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@misssunbeam, I have asked him previously what is bothering him since he’s been in a mood for a while now but he won’t open up. I am not asking constantly either because I know that bothers me, so I wouldn’t do it to anyone else. He says he is fine and nothing is wrong, but after living with someone for nearly three years you get to know them pretty well.

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Carina (99) (@misssunbeam) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@aliwine, Perplexing, I’d just act like nothing is wrong then and continue to behave as if nothing is wrong with him, since he insists it is so. Don’t tip toe, be assertive, let him be grumpy and don’t let him pull you into his grumpy hole with him :) That’s all I can think of right now.

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pat (169) (@epath) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@bacon, Dump him and get a restraining order now. It’s not your job to fix him.

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Ray Butler (1,423)M (@trek79) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

The charming badboy routine. Some women have certain issues that they take a rough nut and try to make a gent out of him, but if they succeed they dump him because he is not they guy she fell for any more. He is your project.
(Brutally honest enough?)

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@bacon, Um honestly…you’re 3 months in…get out. He’s messing with you and your life. He threatened your boss. WTF. And I really don’t get why you wouldn’t let him know that you know that.

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

@aliwine, The question is, does he have these moods often? And you mentioned how important the email was from your boss to you and him. I completely agree, but did you explain it to him in this way?

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Bridget (2) (@bird212) 9 years, 7 months ago ago

I don’t have time to read everyone’s response yet so I’ll just give mine and if it’s the same oh well….

To be brutally honest, dump his ass. Seriously. Think about your whole entire life and all of the people in it. You have only been dating him for three months. You don’t owe him ANYTHING. He sounds like he really needs to get his shit together and will drag you down with him. You’re way too good for this. Get out NOW before shit gets even more twisted! This is likely just the beginning. Not only is he messing up his own life, he’s embarassing you with the situation with your boss and who knows what else he’ll do one day. Who knows if things even get worse with his anger. You can find someone better!!!!

I am speaking from experience and have been in this situation before. I knew I shoujld break it off but he kept coming back and seeming sincere. It took until he broke all my shit one night and called me threatening to kill himself if I didn’t take him back for me to get rid of him permanently. He was a manipulator and who knows what’s wrong with him. And then it was worse/complicated because I was a broke college student and had to go through school without a laptop, had to buy a new cell phone, etc. and I had to be friendly with him in hopes that he paid me back for all my shit. Don’t let things get ANY further!!

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