I’ve had a very bad relationship with my mom since I can remember. She has worked very hard for me and my sister, and she has tried to be a loving mom, but she has very bad anger issues, and when I was very young she used to hit us very hard with a belt and used to blame us for everything bad that happened to her, and the worse, she used to curse and insult us, and she used to tell us she would kill us, or break something into our heads, or throw us from the balcony….And that happened basically my entire life. From these anger episodes I started to feel fear of her, very bad. I never was in peace as a child because when she came from work, or during the weekends, she always was very mad, and I was all the time afraid she would hit me as bad as she always did or yield at me like a crazy person. Now I am 24, and I really feel affected by that; my mom has changed a lot, but still sometimes she cannot control her anger, and every time she yields or something I hide like a little child, and start crying out or fear. Even though she does not hit me anymore, I can feel the same fear. Because of this, I am not able to talk to her, or tell her about my life, and the things I do for her, I do them out of fear, not because I feel fine doing them…..I am too afraid of her. This has made our relationship a nightmare, and when I try to make things right, to make her feel happy, it does not work, she always sees something bad about everything. Now this anger episodes present once or twice during the year, but the last one was the worst: She yield at me that she wanted to kill me, and that she hated me….several times. We were in our car, and she told me to go home first, because if we went home together, she really was going to kill me. She looked at me like as she was possessed. I cannot describe with words the fear I felt; and that happened last year. We did not speak for a while, but then everything got normal again, and we tried to have a good relation, but it is a cycle that repeats all over again. This year we had a difficult situation, not as bad as the other one, but I decided that the best for me was to stay away from her. We haven`t spoken for two months, and now a friend of her is telling me my mom has fallen into a very bad depression, and that she needs support from us. I really don´t know what to do here, because when I am away of her, I feel free, in peace with myself, with my life, and I don´t cry so often. I am looking forward to heal wounds of the past and getting rid of all this fear first before talking to her again, and I am also working to leave home soon, and to get my own place. I don´t know what to do, I don´t know if I am being too cruel to her thinking of me first, and trying to find my own peace away from the woman that gave me life, or if I am in the right path to help us both. PLEASE HELP!
Your experiences sound horrible, I’m very sorry you had/have to go through all this. I understand you love your mother, but you can’t save her from the demons she obviously fights. You have the right to your own life and to be happy, so I think you need to let go of feeling guilty for “abandoning” your mother when you take steps for your own good. In fact, it was her job as a parent to keep you from harm and provide you with the best possible outlook on life, but for whatever reason she wasn’t able to do so. You now have to do that yourself and you are not wrong for wanting to do it. Moving out as soon as possible is crucial, I think, for taking the intenseness and destructiveness out of your relationship. You’re young and in a very important phase of your life where you decide the path for your future. You need to create a life for yourself that gives you peace and happiness or otherwise you won’t be able to pass on positivity to the people around you, to your future spouse and children. I can’t promise that the relationship with your mother will automatically improve by creating distance, but maybe it will give you both some space to contemplate and at some point talk reasonably about your issues. But if not, don’t let that keep you from being the best and happiest person you can be. You are responsible for your own life as well as your mother is for hers and it would be a shame to let both of them be ruled by anger, fear, and negativity. Be strong, you have the power to create the life you want for yourself!