So, I’ve recently come to the end of an extremely extremely painful relationship. But here’s where I’m not quite sure what to do.Throughout the relationship, for that last year and a half. I’ve been lied to, cheated on, betrayed and absued (emotionally). Now, I’m studying Psychology (and trust me, I’m not at ALL trying to justify what I’ve been through), but I am also aware of people’s behaviours and reasons towards things. I do know that person I’ve been dating, as a child was abused beyond belief both emotionally, physically and neglected etc, by the primary caretaker (mother). Now, knowing the effects this has on the brain, the effects it has on ones ‘attachment style’ and how they perceive the world., I completely understand this person’s actions. The ‘cheating’ wasn’t physical cheating, it was more emotional cheating. I also know that they were not deliberately intentional. However, repetitive. I was this person’s first serious relationship, in fact, all relationships prior to me were avoided. When we met, they claim that it was the first time ever they felt like they wanted to date someone, so I was actually chased after until found, and got my name and number and we just ‘grew’ from there.
I recently ended things (not the first time) and this person seems to have had a ‘realization’, they have identified a want and need for change before, however they’ve recently come to me saying that basically they still want me and love me and at the end of the day (when everything is better) really does hope we can get back together. They started getting closed off with me when I asked about the past. Someone which they claimed at the time, was afraid it would change things between us. Thinking I’d think differently of them. Contrarily, it was he/she who became different. The defences went up and the shit started falling.
This person is seeking professional help and counselling to deal with their issues and past and is hoping to become ‘that person they always wanted to be’ and get me back because they do love me deeply and feel terrible for what they’ve done to me. The thing is, this person is EXTREMELY genuine (at least with others), very likeable, very calm, gentle, sweet, caring and can be loving.
SO…. WHAT SHOULD I DO?!?!?! I am FULLY aware i could be falling into a ‘trap’ and being one of those people who takes the abuse and eventually ‘deserves what I’m getting’ because I keep accepting and going back. But what if this person is genuinely sorry and really does change? And what if this person really is ‘the one’? Because when we met and how we ended up dating originally was sort of one of those against-all-odds situations, and even to this day, neither of us feel ‘right’ not being together.
There’s a lot of shit to work through (about 21 years of life cycle on this persons end) and there’s nearly 2 years of relationship betrayal, lies, cheat and (emotional) abuse towards me (even though it was “unintentional”). I’m just confused and I guess I need some people who don’t know me, who aren’t acquainted with us and who can sort of take this from an unbiased 3rd party angle.
Keep in mind this persons BRUTAL past (details omitted, sorry) and the implications these actions of abuse on this person from a very young age into teenage years can have on development and relationship/attachment styles. Should I ‘stay as friends’ and help them work it out, be a good person, and help a ‘soul in need’ and maybe we will fall in love again in a whole new way (maybe we just stay as friends). Or should I just say “Fuck it” and take my chances and luck elsewhere and give this person the boot?.. Is this the ‘shit’ or challenge our relationship needs to work through (like every relationship has its own shit) to be happy? Are people giving up too quickly nowadays on love? Or am I holding on too strongly hoping there’s something there that isn’t.
Unnecessary side-note: We met on a Friday 13th (for those superstitious readers)
It’s a sticky situation, relationships are. Look back to the first sentence of your post, the relationship was “extremely painful.” That is how you categorize the relationship in your own mind and what you believe is incredibly important when growing in or from a partnership. Keeping in mind that you said this relationship has ended before (it is off and on) and that-suddenly-your partner came to a realization, I would be a little cautious in believing that person. It is not your job to fix someone who has come from a broken past, it is only your job to do what is going to be healthiest for you. After all, relationships are simply two individuals that love each other, not one individual trying to make sense of broken pieces. My advice would simply be to let that chapter close. End the relationship once and for all. This does not mean you have to completely alienate this person from your life, but it means the boundaries of the relationship will dramatically change. It is very easy to end up in a confusing friends with benefits type situation when going through this transition and it is best to be aware of what you want and don’t want. If you were to take this person back after their realization you would be doing their emotional health absolutely no favors and hurting yourself as well. By taking someone back you are saying to that person that it is okay to treat you however you want as long as they do (fill in the blank) afterwards to make up for it. This will hinder that person from growing in their own emotional walk and learning from their mistakes and you will be stuck where you started.
I hope this is helpful for you
@magneticgravy, Haha the advice I was afraid of hearing but think I needed to hear. Thank you very much for your wise words. You’re absolutely right in saying that they could learn how they treated me was alright as long as they (___) to make up for it. It’s so true too, I’m not here to train them on how to love me. It should be a natural bond between both of us. Which it wasn’t. Well, it was at the beginning, but everything is good in the beginnings. I think I need to let your words sink in and sort of open my eyes. I really appreciate your advice. Thank you. :)