So I had been anticipating taking DMT for a long time, and had heard of all sorts of different accounts, both good and bad.
however I was totally convinced I was going to enter an amazing place and have answers for many of my biggest questions.
The week leading up I had been doing lots of meditation and “OM” mantras and felt really positive.
The night before the DMT I took a dose of K ( about half a gram ) and started to meditate.
Like many times before I felt my inner self melt from my body and embarked on a journey to the depths of the mind, surrounded by dark relaxing colors and waves of positive energy, the feeling of entering different realms. I have had this expereince many times before and this put me in an even more positive frame of mind for my first DMT expereince.
On the morning before taking the DMT I drank green tea and meditated a little, I still felt really positive about the whole situation and was eagerly anticipating smoking the spice, despite a friend suggesting I would be best with a sitter, I declined that idea and chose to do this alone.
So at about 1pm I had cleaned my room and had lit incense ready for My trip.
As i filled the pipe ( i did not weigh it out, and presume it was around half a gram ) I felt a little anxious but just put this down to pre-flight nerves like the first time doing anything.
I lit up and when the pipe was white with smoke, I took a massive hit and held in for around 15 seconds, instantly the curtains in my room changed and i knew this was it, I laid back and closed my eyes and was flooded with the most insane kaleidoscopic colours.
At this point I kind of shit myself and opened my eyes,
(the next few moments are quite a blur but what i remember is the feeling of untold terror and remember screaming at the top of my lungs, I was flooded with emotions of anger and regret, and almost felt myself turn inside out, It was the biggest surge of negative energy and emotion I have ever expereinced, and am certain I had a violent convulsion, I remember my leg violently slamming into the floor)
As i stood up I knew something had gone drastically wrong and walked to the window to try and get some fresh air. The only way I can describe what I was thinking at this point is that my mind had been shattered into a million pieces and I had entered this trippy void to be trapped there forever,
I cannot express how terrifying this whole concept was, I was convinced I was the only person that existed and the same 10 or 15 seconds of dread kept on looping over.
I managed to run down the stairs and when i opened the door, there was nothing there, nothing at all and I returned again to this void where I thought I would spend all eternity.
I remember repeating myself saying OH MY GOD WHAT HAVE I DONE, I’M SORRY I’VE BROKEN EVERYTHING !
this whole concept was absolutely terrifying and I didn’t even really know who I was.
I managed to get to the front door again in utter panic and get myself into the street. Now i recognized my surroundings I was convinced I had lost my mind and would never be the same again, The feeling that I had shattered my brain and pushed it to the absolute limit this time that it had broke overwhelmed me ( I didn’t realize I was still tripping, I was convinced it was just my mind had broken) I approached a lady and asked her for help telling her I had lost my mind, She offered to ring an ambulance but this freaked me out even more.
(bearing in mind I was in my pyjamas with no shoes or socks on !!)
I ran and continued to run down main roads saying to myself what have I done Why I have I done this !?
I was absolutely terrified and just wanted things to go back to the way they where before I’d smoked the spice.
I ran about 2 miles to where my girlfriend was working and came into her work telling her I’d lost my mind, (I know, it’s fucked up !)
She was amazing and told me I was just tripping and everything was going to be fine, I was so pleased to have someone familiar there but still utterly terrified that I’d broken my mind, this lasted for about ten more minutes until I finally came back to reality, emotionally and spiritually battered and beaten, I was exhausted.
It’s now been 2 days since it happened and I still cannot get it out my mind, the most fucked up thing of the whole story is last night we had tea with my Aunt at her place ( where I’d smoked the DMT) and she proceeded to tell us she had a nightmare on Saturday ( the night of the day i had smoked the spice)
I automatically knew her nightmare was going to be related and when I asked her to explain what had happened in her nightmare, she then went on to tell me she was in her house and everything was rotting and when she went to open the front door there was nothing there but bare baron land !
My stomach sunk and I felt physically sick, I mean what are the odds of her dreaming of my trip that had happened just a few hours before, You literally have more chance of winning the lottery twice !
Asif my head wasnt already fucked up enough, her having this night terror just confirmed in my mind that what happened was very real and I am now absolutely petrified of dying.
I have always looked deeply into things and wanted answers and I thought the spice would give me these, but its left me scarred with more questions and I feel I have lost a part of me,
No matter how good a day I have it is irrelevant because I know what’s waiting at the other side.
I thought hell was fire and flames but that would be heaven compared to the terror loop I was trapped alone in for what seemed like eternity.
I don’t know if this is just my sub-concise mind letting out lots of suppressed and deep down anger.
I haven’t always been spiritual and have things in my mind from when I was growing up that I regret and I always feel as if I need to be a better person.
Only the last couple of years have I started my spiritual path and I was feeling the most positive I’ve probably ever felt before smoking the DMT but now it feels as if my whole reality and thought of who I am have been shattered, everything seems so pointless and It’s really made me question myself.
Life at the moment is unbearable and I hope it gets better one day.
If anyone could shed some light and maybe help me, ( give me advice on where to go next etc) would be greatly appreciated.
Peace and Love :)
I think it all comes down to perspective. Obviously it was your senses and responses in this trip that I was not experiencing. Your fears and feelings of falling apart. But if I were placed in that scenario. That sounds like full on peace. To feel like the only consciousness in existence sounds beautiful. I think in a way the universe feels that way as a whole. We are just bits of consciousness of the universe. We ARE the universe, and your experience sounds like you escaped your own individual consciousness and became bigger. You became one with the universe. Sounds crazy but it’s triply and a whole other level. Just try thinking about it in that way.
It has been a while since I smoked DMT, but isn’t half a gram like 10 times a strong dose? Not sure if it is cumulative when smoking though.
This will probably sound odd, but I believe you have had a very profound experience that can teach you many things about yourself. I personally do not believe in bad trips, you can learn from all trips. ESPECIALLY the trips that evoke our ‘negative’ feelings like fear, anger, etc., are the ones we can learn most from. However, you have to be prepared for this and accept everything that comes over you during the trip.
It seems to me your expectations and ideas of how the trip should be were extremely high. This will inevitably lead to disappointment as reality will never be in the way you imagine it.
Personally my experiences with DMT are always similar and I cannot imagine going through what you have been going. The first kaleidoscopic experience you share, is something I can relate to, but the rest, not at all. I have done DMT around 10 times or so, and all the experiences were similar to each other, in the way that I was ‘seeing’ the same kind of visual things.
Only once I had a very profound experience where I felt I was connected to entities from other Universes. It was the first time I took DMT, and I have always ‘tried’ to get this type of experience again, but without success (clearly my expectations are in the way).
I had a very similiar experience.
I had always blasted off with my eyes close. This time i took the largest dose i had ever taken in hopes of a breakthrough.
Seconds into my trip Im overwhelmed and I open my eyes (thinking this would eject me from the trip)
My friend is sitting in front of me, his eyes are black and smokey and he says “why did you open your eyes so fast”. my imidiate response is “why are you here?” and I’m scared. He asks if he should leave the room and I say yes.
When he leaves i feel my mind unraveling and i try to breath and remind myself that I’m tripping. I see my hands and my skins is a pink red geometric moving… thing. im reptilian. Thats my first reminder im in a trip. i see the walls, they are breathing. This reminds me Im in a trip. I think what happened… I had my eyes closed what made me open my eyes? a feeling of terror. It felt like i made those same relizations over ther course of 1000x repeating this moment.
Im repeating this moment so that i can get out of the loop. I have always been here and i will always remain here (stuck betweeen dimensions, one layered over the other) if i cant return to my body.
Each time i repeat the loop brings me to finally say “what did i see”.
I close my eyes. suddenly im flying through space and time and i can feel my soul and my body trying to realign. like an old car trying to crank up for the first time in several years.
Then i hear a voice speak. “This is why we do it with our eyes closed”
For several days after this i was not the same. i did what youre doing and i searched the internet for other people with a similiar experience.
more happened in my trip but its all jumbled and hard to recollect.
As a person who has taken Ayahuasca medicine dozens of times, I am almost positive what you experienced was an extreme reluctance at allowing ego death. When you don’t give in and surrender to the medicine, it can become quite frightening, very much like your worst nightmare. I’ve learned this through my own experiences. It’s not easy allowing for that to happen. It takes much time and dedication.
Hey buddy. Honestly it sounds as if you focused way too hard before, maybe with subconiously preparing for a bad trip out of fear for doing it for the first time. You did alot of preparation. Preparation is good, but I think the subconscious was working overtime and you were stuffing conciously by learing your mind rather than perhaps going through in your mind on why you might have a bad trip and what you would do if ya did. And meditation is focus and focus is a form of control. attempting to control a trip can be a bad idea. When I first tried lsd I had expectations and none of them were met and for that I am thankfull. I would say as far as where to go next if you are looking for that inner self expeirence would be Ahahuasca. Or 7 hits of good lsd. let me know if that helps. I respect your endeavors, go forth.