Do we really need the whole package?

Anonymous (@) 9 years, 6 months ago

I have been with my bf for 5 years now and at the moment things are pretty amazing. I really could sit here and gush for quite some time. But I won’t.

Now one thing me and my partner do not do is sit and have ‘deep’ conversations. He is, most of the time, completely uninterested in a lot of the things I like to think about. Honestly I don’t know his opinions on a large majority of what I question. But I still, at this moment in time, consider him my life partner.

Granted, I can get my conversation elsewhere. And places like HE are a great outlet. (Ha, am I intellectually cheating?)

I guess my question is, do you personally think you could be in a relationship where you weren’t able to discuss some of the things that are important to you? Do you think it’s really that important to have the ‘whole package’? And what would be one thing that they would have to share in interest if any?

June 5, 2012 at 2:30 pm
Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@pipthecynical, Yup, I totally agree. There are far too many people out there though that are looking for that non existent ‘perfect person’ who thinks and understands every thought the same as them.

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James (100) (@ilooklikeawaterbottle) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@siantastic, i agree with Phil, but you are intellectually cheating haha

Just remember, all relationships ultimately come to an end (dealth, divorce, break ups), make sure your partner is not your ultimate source of happiness (they can be #2), the ultimate source needs to come from within so you never lose it

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Michael (30) (@mikey) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

I think when two people come together that are different create that whole package. Because all of us aren’t really that whole. I think that makes sense.

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

I don’t think I get it, but I’ll try to answer anyway. You’re just two different people using each other for boosting your egos. (relationships are basically just that, plus the poetic “I will fuck you until I die” stuff) I don’t get it, because you can be whimsy, interested in different things, and being in a relationship with yourself is not really “the whole package” whatever the fuck that means.

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@ilooklikeawaterbottle, Oh definitely. I think it can help to know that people can change and things can change.

@mikey, And yes, that definitely makes sense!

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Anonymous (2,654) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@pipthecynical, you’re actually right. A lot of words come from the term ‘ego’, I should be more specific. It’s encouraging each other’s egoism, to encourage their own.

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@beyond, Not quite how I would put it but I get what you’re saying. Balancing each others egos I can get on board with.

When I talk about the ‘whole package’ it is in no way something I believe in. Frustratingly though I do know people who are looking for that one ultimate person, or prince charming if you will.

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Johnson tinker (9) (@thankyou) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

Well by the look of the question I feel like it must bother you a little bit. Because if I’m to have a partner I don’t care if they are on the same page as I am with life. But if they are completely lost in a reality that you know just shouldn’t be there and you try and help and they don’t want anything to do with it. Then that’s where I lose the flare. Id like someone who is different but still wants to strive to be a better person with me. Then again you can only worry about yourself but then again if you have to have someone chose wisely. If you know your meant to be the you are, but if one day your able to think of your life without the person…then they’re already gone and your just lying to your partner and more importantly yourself.

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

LOL whole package. Like that even exists.

Certain aspects of a relationship are pivotal to certain people. I just ended a relationship due to the fact that I wasn’t really “friends” with my ex. We had a lot of big life experiences together and shared a lot of things, but the day-to-day stuff became laborious and it ended up driving a wedge between us. In my case, we were able to get past it for a long time (didn’t even really notice it until about 6 months ago) but it finally caught up to us and now we have decided to part ways.

Don’t talk yourself into or out of anything. Be observant about your thoughts and actions and react accordingly so as to spare/save yourself and your partner from future harm

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@thankyou, I can see why you would think that, but it honestly doesn’t. I just had some friends ask me about it. And it got me interested in what other people look for and what makes others happy. So I thought I would put the question to my fellow HEthens. What you said about being a better person makes perfect sense. We talk about bettering ourselves often and are doing it together, all be it in different fields.

You may have mis interpreted my ‘people change, things change’ comment in regards to being able to imagine a future without them. At this moment in time I truly want for us to be together forever. I would love nothing more than that. But who am I to possibly be able to turn around and say ‘yes we will definitely always be together no matter what situation arises’. I couldn’t possibly think I know every eventuality. I hope this makes sense and that I haven’t misinterpreted what you were saying.

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@lytning91, Ha, I know. Am I the only one that has the pleasure of knowing people who think there is someone out there who thinks every single same thought as them and knows everything they’re thinking?

Sorry to hear about the end of your relationship, but yeah the day to day stuff really is one of the most important parts. Oh and not talking yourself into or out of anything is a great point. Do just what feels natural I guess, and always listen out for your gut.

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Kidd (1,059) (@kidd) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

As long as I have fun with and share some connection with him or her, I’d consider myself lucky. That connection doesn’t have to necessarily be so..spiritual? Sophisticated? But, if I can click with someone in regards to humor and IQ, then woo-hoo!

My love would be theirs forever.

Besides, if we understood each other too well or had too much in common, I don’t think I’d have much fun.

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Lanard (4) (@KLCT) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

Hmmmm. Personally I could never seriously commit to someone who I can’t talk to about my “deep thoughts.” Physical reality is cool and all but you can go so many more places in your head or using each others imagination. For me my significant other has to be open to listening to my craziness. I think if I have that much her understanding would be based upon how well I can explain my thoughts. I see it as unlikely one or two people who seek intellectual stimulation could remain together if they couldnt express their thoughts or get some of that stimulation from each other. In the slim margin where it does work its probably because of something else that person is providing is SO MUCH MORE fulfilling,

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ButternutSquash (75) (@equanimity) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

I don’t think it’s important to have the “whole package” as long as the differences are complimentary, or at least stay in line with your values as an individual.

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Carina (99) (@misssunbeam) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

If I hadn’t experienced as much in the way of relationships as I have, I would easily settle for whatever I got. But I have had a few relationships, and now I’ve become fairly picky, and won’t settle for average. The best match for me wouldn’t be perfect, or a prince charming, and not necessarily great looking, but we’d definitely have to connect intellectually, physically, and have similar interests. More of a best friend than anything else.

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Obviously, you’re not a golfer (605) (@donjaime23) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@siantastic, If you two have managed to stay together longer than most people can stay married, then youve both obviously got something that ticks like clockwork. Don’t go messing around with it after this long for the sake of perfection…nothing’s perfect. Keep things simple and enjoy your intellectual affair with the HEthens.

Besides, it doesnt really sound like you’d be willing to end the relationship anyway.

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Anonymous (26) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

Like others mentioned earlier, no relationship is perfect. You will have to gauge yourself how important it is for you to have intellectual, deep conversations with your significant other. If it is something you find crucial in order for your relationship to move forward, you may have some thinking to do. Have you tried having those conversations with him or sharing your feelings about the lack of depth? I myself, know that it would be very difficult for me to be unable to have intellectual conversations with someone I was dating. That’s something that I find very important to me. But if you are able to fill that void with other people, friends, HE, etc. and honestly don’t feel like your missing something, then I would say there’s no need to fix what isn’t broken. If you don’t feel like you’re able to connect with him on a real honest level, reconsider your priorities in a relationship. I’ve also noticed that people can surprise you with how deep they actually are :) I hope everything works out!

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Nancy B. (7) (@rockernatnat) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

I have always felt like I was missing something in all my previous relationships. I always got bored very easy. There were times I cheated, but also times I just dealt with the boredom. I didn’t realize why I got bored with my former boyfriends/girlfriends until I found HE and all the uplifting and enlightening conversations sparked a challenge within me. That intellectual challenge is what I was missing in my former relationships. At no point did I engage in a deep conversation that actually led to something positive or left me thinking on things until recently. Everything else, for the most part, was there, Everything but the one thing that would have made the “whole package”- the ability to share a deeply level of intimacy beyond the surface stuff that typically make up a relationship.

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@rockernatnat, see the thing is…do you think that you would have been satisfied in those relationships with HE by your side, or do you think the stimulation would have needed to be sourced from your actual partner?

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Nancy B. (7) (@rockernatnat) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@lytning91, I can safely say that i would have been “intellectually cheating” the entire time in all the previous relationships. I wouldn’t source all my needs from that individual if they were the “whole package” but I could be satisfied in knowing that the person by my side understands me and supports me while challenging me on all levels.

Side Note: Only 1 of my many relationships had potential for developing further as he challenged my emotionally and intellectually, but only within his comfort zone. He didn’t push himself and didn’t want to be pushed.

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DaJetPlane (994)M (@lytning91) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@rockernatnat, mind cheating is the worst. I hate it, because it’s like part of me just wants it all to coalesce and become perfect, but my mind doesn’t stop working.

It never stopped saying things like, “You don’t really want to spend time with her”

“You have a better time alone than with her”

“You are less attracted as a result of this lack of legitimate communication”

It’s a painful driving that I tried to ignore. It made me bitter, short-tempered, and it seeded itself into more than just my interactions with her. And what’s worse is that I still haven’t really come completely clean to her about this, now that she and I have separated. I don’t feel like I can be really honest with her because she gets into this “It’s all your fault, you do everything wrong” mode and then I just want to say “fine” and walk away for good.

I don’t need to agree with my partner on everything all of the time, but I had to hold back far too much for too long and it sucks to admit that to myself.

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pat (169) (@epath) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@siantastic, Are you happy? If you have been with him for five years, you know deep down whether or not this is going to satisfy you. I have friends who have limited conversations with their partners but love them for other reasons. Other friends are not very happy. Only you can make that decision.

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lolawton (59) (@lolawton) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

You create what your “package” is, so if you’re happy then thats it! I think the better question is, why are you asking a question like this in the first place. I mean, why are you looking to others to justify something you appear to be satisfied with in your relationship if you are truly satisfied?

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Anonymous (251) (@) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@lolawton, i really wasn’t looking to justify anything. Was genuinely interested in others opinions on the matter, i love people, and like to know as much about them as possible.

I personally was joking when i mentioned ‘intellectually cheating’,and am full aware that we satisfy different parts of ourself with other people.

Really for me the only thing which is imperative is humour. Couldn’t agree more that we create our own package!

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Mickey JV (11) (@iluvetingcrayons) 9 years, 6 months ago ago

@siantastic, I believe that in order for love to succeed there must be a few elements in place. First of all is the intangible connection with that person. This is something immeasurable. This is the spark. Second is a connection on the surface level of everyday going on, an understanding on the emotive level of normal conversation and mundane tasks, and even more intimate deeply emotional connections. This is perhaps the greatest key to connection between people. Thirdly I believe there should be an intellectual connection of some sort- an “objective” outlet where the subjects are lost and merely metaphor will do for the conversations. This is a theoretical, imagined realm and connection here is often very difficult. People do not have to have similar intelligences, but perhaps rather similar intuitions to connect here.

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