I took some Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds this las weekend. Other than that I made the mistake of also smoking weed, probably had some drinks, and allowed myself to dehydrate. Either that or what I experienced was an epileptic shock, and even so I am fine now. But the experience gravitated around the fact that I passed out, which was scary and put the path of my thoughts on the matter of dying. The trip later convinced me that on my bed I was on my final hour, and then I proceeded to undergo an emotional transition to accept my own death, which I did. Now I’m not dead, I’m still a bit shaken from the experience, and I wanted to share it with you guys as to seek some opinion and some conversation about it so that I can come to terms with it. Any similar experiences? Any opinions? Any questions?
It is destroying my perspective on life… it has shaken every belief I had previously, but its taking over slowly. It is quite recent, it was ground shaking for me the moment I woke up. It seemed at first bizarre to be alive, now I find myself with a new perception, in everything. Sounds, smells, the air I breathe in, the cold. But I only notice this a few times a day for now, but every time I remember it shakes me. I have become very sensitive to the way things are connected to each other, I no longer value any sense of self, because there can be no self in a place where everything is connected, I am part of it all I can no longer feel as separate, I can no longer feel singular. But it is still very hard to explain.
On the matter of death, I came to the realization that everything is binary, there either is or not. Newton’s law where every singularity in the universe has an opposite and equal reaction. Well death is to life an opposite state or reaction, but that doesn’t mean it is in any sense inactive. One of the things I remember playing by very vividly in my trip, where all my dearest memories playing back in reverse, as if my brain’s Hipocampus was shutting down in the reverse chronological order in which memories are stored. I also remember some sort of contact with infinity, or more like vastness. Many things are so abstract and hard to explain that I don’t think I can write them down right now, or that I ever will be able to.
That sounds scary. I might be a coward because I fear what is inevitable, the annihilation of my sense of self. When I experienced it nothing could have prepared me for that. I was tripping and suddenly realized it was the hardest I have ever tripped and then started losing “it”. It was like life was just a really dumb process that I was apart of and had been oblivious of this truth until that moment. It was like the deconstruction of a dream when you realize that you are waking up from it, or dying. A way I kind of can describe it was imagining life having a power cord, that is powering it making it seem real and mysterious. Then it was as if that cord was unplugged and the realness was deflating revealing its fakeness. But without that traumatizing event, I wouldn’t have ever known about trying to see myself through the eyes of others. I’ve been trying to be a better person, wanting to be a good guy.
Also noted my mentality of the situation changes constantly. I have learned quite a bit from that experience and have made/still making changes that I have wanted in my self. Since then I have tripped again but with more respect and understanding. I will never say I am an expert on the particular drug because there is always room for surprises. Overall I am still working on things. But I regard it as very necessary catalyst for the road Im trying to walk.
@antoesguerra, and when you accepted your death, did you let it take over you completely that on the other side all you felt was bliss? It’s interesting to come to a realization that everything is connected but then how does one become singular in this world?… I’ve had sort of the same experience as you. Thought about dying, last moments, then I woke up and everything was brand new. Totally new perspective on life.
@antoesguerra, hey, Good Luck. I had (possibly) a similar experience and you can’t go back. What you wrote about there being no self, and death is not inactive make sense to me. It was painful for me to let go of everything that was familiar, even though it caused me too much trouble. Is it that way for you as well?
Anyhow, let me know how it’s going.
It wasn’t hard after I accepted it, but in the moments I knew it was coming, it was by far the scariest situation I’ve been in. In the middle of it I remember thinking about my loved ones and how frustrating dying without them there was, I remember feeling pity about the whole situation. I felt that dying because of drug abuse was sad and stupid. But when I accepted it became an easy experience. I think I will trip again, on a lower dose and in a nicer and wiser setting, parties are simply the worst trip there can be.
I’m not sure I understand. I’ve never been through any mind altering experience like yours. What I’ve been through however was the idea that my ego was a creation of my mind therefore I had to destroy it to live a proper life with no pain and only the bliss of eternity. I still know that it IS a creation of my mind. But I had a lot of wrong ideas on what it meant to overcome it and what meant to live a egoless life.
What it did was to destroy every dream and perspective in life I had. “If I’m part of the all and the all is me, whats the point?” Why should I do anything? Why should I study, work, sleep, feed… Why should I exist if this existence has no meaning? You would expect this to liberate you. It wasn’t liberating at all. I just looked forward to the moment of death. Until I could no longer take it. This idea of self annihilation seemed wrong.
Searching for answers I found HE and some articles on the web that shed a light on this matter.
Check this out, I hope it helps:
There are a lot of misconceptions on what the ego is and how you should handle it. I know the story of a man who tried to void his head of all thoughts through meditation in a effort to ascend spiritually. To destroy this worldly existence. He ended up in psychiatric ward being spoon-fed.
I had already overcome my ego or a great part of it. I just didn’t knew. What I was doing was looking for an excuse not to live life. It was an ego thing (it doesn’t just go away, you don’t really need it to). I wanted (my ego actually) to be recognized as a spiritual person. With no world temptations, pure. You do not annihilate your self, you transform it. You overcome it’s traps. Great spiritual people had egos. They just did not live by it.
I don’t really know if this is what you’re going through. I honestly hope you find a way out of this hell you seem to be in. If material existence was to no purpose it would not exist. Maybe you need to reshape your perspectives and ideas. But thats for you to find out.
Peace and light man, be strong!
It is nothing like that, I can now see how the topic title might be misleading, even though this sort of experiences are classified as ego deaths. What happened to me forced me to evaluate my life, and come to terms with inevitable death, the only difference is that I did it “early”. But it seems silly to use the word early, because if we are all going to die, why do we seem to only come to terms with it towards the end? This has been liberating mostly, it does not make living any easier, it just made me understand that this hardship is part of it, it is part of its beauty and of its meaning. And on the theme of meaning, don’t expect a concept so broad that includes abstracts to points we have not come up with ways of thinking of yet to come in any legible sort of way. Many of our adaptations and ways of life tells us that this meaning does not belong to human existence. The only thing that we are meant to grasp is existence as it is, and that alone should reconcile the demon that there is a meaning. But we don’t need that for our humanity.
Hmm, I get it now. I guess. I can relate a bit. The idea of death seemed unbearable to me. But I’ve come to terms with it too. It is liberating, the affliction, the anxiety. I looked forward to that moment with dread. I see it as integral part of existence now. I guess believing in reincarnation and afterlife helps. It helped overcome the ego thing. Maybe I have created another ego, with the idea of a soul. But when I come to think about it, I don’t really comprehend what the soul is. I enjoy it here, without the desperation of inevitable death. If I was to be wrong about reincarnation, it wouldn’t matter anyway. I’ve accepted. I agree it doesn’t make life easier but it made mine a lot simpler when I was able to let go of things, but only then. That was the hardest part. But the freedom afterwards.. Wow!
Keep us informed, hope this experience came to help you.
sart living or start dying @antoesguerra,
How many of the Hawaiian Baby Woodrose seeds did you take?
Yes, I had the same experience as you when I took them in 2007. My friend and I were out of weed, so we took these seeds instead. We started with 5 seeds- waited 30 min, and impatiently we tok another 4 seeds. So in total it was 9 seeds in matter of short time. We did not feel any effects the first few hours, only mildly nausea.
However, after 2 hours- these seeds sure kicked it for me, but not my friend. It was such a strange feeling, like my eyes where in the back of my head and my actual eyes where viewed as a “television box” where I observed the world.
After another few hours, I suddenly felt so smart and intelligent- that I was worried that I would not snap out of this (the LSD myth), and I could not see the reason why to get up and work and do everything so repetitive. Eventually I had to lie down on my bed with my eyes closed. I saw myself lying there in the room and suddenly I sort of slowly “zoomed out” (like on Google Maps) and saw the city I was in, the country, Europe, Mother Earth, Milky Way and beyond. And from there on- I had my EGO death. I was so convinced that I was dying, that I called my parents in another country and woke them up 3AM, by telling them that I have taken some weird seeds and I am dying now. I held a gratitude speech and eventually just hang up, as I was so caught in the moment of actually dying. But I accepted my own death rather quick as my then greatest fear was of ending on a crazy house, since I was so smart to see the whole society structure and fearing of having opened a door in my head that I would not be able to close again (again the LSD myth).
I am glad my friend did not get high on it, since my parents were quick to call back and he was able to calm them down.
It has been one of my most profound experiences in life, for sure !
I took eight seeds… they are very strong, and they are to be respected, another friend took another eight as well that evening and all he had to tell me is that the hallucinations where very strong at some point, and to cope he decided to smoke some weed and go to sleep. Nothing interesting happened to him apparently.