Ego-death experience on 4-ACO-DMT
Just last week I had quite an impressive experience on 4-aco-dmt and wanted to share it with you. It’s quite long, sorry for that.
Regarding my psychedelic use, I think I need a break. It’s getting overwhelming and I had some very slight HPPD for 2 days after my last trip, light were still quite bright and I could halos of light surrounding public lightning. Quite funny in my opinion. But the main reason why I should take a break is that as Alan Watts said ”when you get the message hang up the phone”. I think i’ve dealt or at least identified most of my issues when exploring my mind, I do not get really visual trips anymore it’s really more mental and it’s perfect for introspection, which I love.
Since I got the message i should stay away from it before losing respect and consider it as something I can do every week, it will lost meaning, I know myself and I know i don’t really have borders, so I need to restrict myself.
I felt in the mood for tripping. Not the casual trip when you just chill and watch a movie or listen to music, I wanted to delve into my own mind, reach higher states than the ones I previously attained thanks to psychedelics. I’ve been attempting to reach them for quite a few weeks now but it wasn’t satisfying enough. I’ve been on the verge of ego-death approximately 2 weeks before, while tripping with the same mindset but I think I fought it hard enough to hold on to this reality, to my own self, my idendity. During this, I was telling myself ”Ok, your name is X, you live in X, you are X years old, and so on”. Every details I could remember so I didn’t fall into oblivion. I was reflecting on my use of psychedelics (around 10 trips in a little more than a month ranging from low to high doses) and I definitely knew I’d hit something at one point, that I knew most of the answers now and my use was maintely related to myself wanting to know everything right away, like skipping classes but still majoring in the end. I was totally aware of that but that’s an issue of mine I can handle most of the time.
Well the trip. This trip was quite different. I loosely plan my trips, some stuff I encounter may trigger the desire to trip, this time it was walking in my town at night and looking at the stars, it was just so peaceful, it put me in the mood. So the next day I thought about tripping, eventually I evaluated my mental state and it was all good, no underlying issues. I proceded to dose a good amount of 4-aco-dmt. While waiting for the come-up I started rolling joints as I knew it would be a pain after that.
Usual come-up, body-load, quite enjoyable, and the rush of thoughts.
I am at my place, safe and known environment. I’ll skip to the interesting part of the trip. At some point around 2.30 (I took it at 1-1.30 am) I start to lose all sense of identity, I can’t remember my name, I can’t recognize anything, everything seems devoid of any sense. I start to freak out, as insanity is something that I’m quite scared of, I often wonder about my own sanity compared to others but well what’s the point in comparing different human beings ? Still. I feel the insanity, I feel it so much it’s hard to process information in a logical way.
I am difficultely learning that it exist an amount of information your mind can’t just not process, and you’re sitting near to madness.
It is magnificient. I thought to myself that I should keep writing when waiting to come down. Oh yeah forgot to mention, writing is what I want to do with my life, hence the shitload of experiences in my life, I write mostly from experience.
Hopefully I haven’t got insane. Hope sleep will help makes sense.
I’ve thought I broke my engine, my brain and would stay forever in this state where NOTHING makes sense, even the fact of being alive, being able to talk, read, eat. At that point I thought about going to the ER and ask for an neuroleptic as I could not bear this state, I’d rather die than stay like this.
Completely losing the grip on my identify, my surroundings and all titles and labels. In a chaotic and psychotic way, thought loops.
I gather some sense of logic and try to analyze the situation and my mind goes like : ”ok you took some 4-aco-dmt, you’re used to it, at least you think you’re strong enough to deal with anything but here’s one for you : you’ve gone insane pal, there’s no escape. You wanted to trip, we’re going to show you the world in insanity. You’re just not ready”.
Something that probably saved me was looking up some internet pages talking about bad-trips. It was still hard to comprehend a thing since letters would not stay still and were moving like they didn’t want me to understand but I could talk some little sense into myself. Tried to eat, pizza, tasted like shit. I didn’t even understand why humans could eat that poison, I went for an apple and tried to sleep. I was still freaking out though, like really.
At that point I felt so hopeless, convinced I went mental. What could I tell my parents, friends, people ? That I’ve gone insane because of psychedelics ?
After telling people how they should at least have one psychedelic experience in their life so they could understand why I went from a cynical-business-school-capitalist-shark to what they refer as veggie-meditative-hippie ? Nah, I could not lose this battle. I had to relearn how to think, how to understand letters, words and language (my mothertongue is french but most of the things I read are in english, both languages didn’t make any sense). It took what seemed like ages. Litterally ages, I was stuck, I was so stupid, I thought of myself as a reckless psychonaut, but I lost this battle and now was insane.
I then thought about a friend of mine who is going through some phase of depersonalization. I realized that losing it could happen to anybody, and I was such a dick for not supporting him, only trying to give him solutions (which made total sense to me, I just wanted to help him the way I wanted to be helped. I tried to show him the way but the work had to be done by himself). And now we were on the same boat, only I was not going to recover, already picturing the mental facility i’d spend my life in.
I told the Universe, the mushroom God or whatever it may be, how sorry I was.
I recognized my mistake. I was not ready for this. I had so much to do yet, in fact I haven’t done shit. I have really high standards so that explains why I felt so desperate I would go mad without achieving something worthy with my life, what about my writing ? What about love ? What about helping the world in my way ? Why the fuck I have been so foolish and disrespectful towards psychedelics ? They can be harsh teachers, I knew it. Visions of what looked like animals/mythological creatures ripping me appart to teach me a lesson were so vivid, so real. I knew I’d done a mistake, and I had no choice that to deal with the consequences, I always got away with doing shit so far, but now it was payback time, and I had to pay with my sanity.
I saw a retrospective of my whole life, trying to look for what I had achieved so far.
Nothing. Just a big mouth full of charming words and ideas, thinking he knows everything and simply satisfied by knowing that he could do things if he wanted to (I’m a INTP. Classic behaviour if i dare say).
That was it, I had to surrender, I had no choice anyway.
I went to sleep, I wanted to cry, I felt so helpless and alone.
But then I became convinced I was in fact going to die. Insanity was just a preview, I was in fact going to fucking die, here, in my room, like I’ve never really existed. I didn’t want to die, fuck no. What seemed like the Devil appeared to me, offering me a deal : i may be able to keep my sanity and my body in exchange for my first-born child, or the ability to reproduce I can’t remember exactly.
I pondered it for a while, what seemed like ages, I couldn’t make such a choice, I couldn’t be that selfish and thinking that my own life was worth more than potential ones. I wanted to cry, beat the shit out this evil entity that offered me such a heartless choice. In the end, I accepted, I wanted to live. The choice was so hard it took most of my energy, I was sore, miserable, and would remind without children because of a silly mistake. As soon as I accepted I wanted to undo what i had done, but it was too late and I would live with it.
I remembered about ”The Dark night of the soul”. I could relate to that, had stopped meditation for a few weeks now and been slowly getting back to my bad habits (the over-tripping was definitely linked to the bad habits, I have issues with control). I kept the idea in my mind, hoping that I would eventually get better, that is what just a hard time and that I should completely embrace the experience.
Then visions continued, death, death everywhere, my mother crying, my mother’s pain at the thought that her son was dead.
My own identity then disolved and I found myself in the body of other people, from different times, each of them dying at some point, was it past lives ? I don’t know.
My own death shown to me, multiple times, hundreds of ways.
Each one was so real, pain was real, feelings were real. I wanted to stop the pain, for a very brief second I thought ”ok man, you should break your neck”, but nothing to worry about here, it’s something that cross my mind sometimes, I have a weird curiousity for death, though it still scares me to.. well death.
Laying in my bed felt like being on a boat during a storm.
I embarked on a journey through human history.
From the harshness of prehistoric times, ice-age, I was a man fighting for survival, I had to live no matter what. But in the end, every man dies and I could not escape the multiple deaths. Middle-age, being killed in a battle, leaving wife and kids behind, dying for some silly war. Witchcraft, being burned at the stake for being different, for exploring new areas. WW2, dying in a gas chamber, for believing in another God, for the madness of men and the apathy of others.
I had them all, it’s hard to remember everyone of them.
Visions of entities, goblin-like inside my body replacing things. Taking the rotten part of myself, the cigarette, the alcohol, the arrogance, throwing them in a giant stew. It was hell, but I knew it was for my own good.
During all this, space and time didn’t exist, I lived thousands of years.
I was still wondering how many deaths, re-wiring, I had to endure as the pain was unbereable. Was I going to die ? Was I going to be insane forever ? Would I be able to have kids ?
I yelled for the Devil i made the pact with and told him I wanted to cancel it, that words didn’t matter, only actions. He could do whatever he wanted I didn’t care and would have kids, because that was something I wanted.
You can go fuck yourself Devil, I am the one in charge here.
Slowly I could remember some details about myself, my mental capacities were somehow on their way back, but it took tremendous efforts. I felt like a baby, I had to relearn everything. I did, at a incredible speed (it still felt like ages though).
At the end of my trip, I saw a cliff, the sun chasing the clouds away, shining bright.
Someone was waiting for me there, and padded me in the back like ”You made it son, welcome back”. A few minutes later, my grandpa was also there, seemed proud.
It was 5 or 6am, and I was alive, in my room, mentally sane. I’ve made it through, and never been so happy to be here.
It was a great experience. Scary one, like really scary but beneficial in the end.
I have to be serious about my goals, I have to stay true to myself, I have to stop procrastinating because one may have all the knowledge in the world, if it is not used there’s no point.
If you have any thoughts on this, feel free to contribute.
May the Universe bless you all.
@saikoubambino, Hold up, did you just say pizza taste like shit?
ahahh Anyways, great post man. That is seriously something to endure. You’re very strong mentally. How long is the 4-ACO-DMT trip for?
Great story man. What I got out of this is that I should just shut the fuck up and get to work on my goals, no overthinking everything. And the mindset of thinking you know everything you described is also spot on imo, there is only doing, not thinking about doing.
@tangledupinplaid21, Indeed it was, I’m glad it happened though, a reminder is always welcome.
@stevenv, Don’t get me wrong, i LOVE pizza, I love cheese, which is one of the reason I can’t take the step from being vegetarian to vegan right now. Being in France and facing tons of different cheese everyday is not really helping though :)
But it often happens when I trip, I realize how stuff i usually like are in fact not that good, at least for me.
A 4-aco trip usually last 4-5 hours, it is when taken orally. When snorted, or injected the lenght is cut by half approximately, the reason why I love this stuff, I’m not always in the mood to trip for several hours straight.
@joris, Exactly man, that is a good thing we realized it. The sweet talk doesn’t get things done, we may fool ourselves by thinking that we can do things later, but imo the best moment to do things is NOW, not later. The saying “easier said than done” comes to my mind :)
@saikoubambino, yes brother u are right , when u used too much Psychdelics they lost there meaning and significance, i make gap of atleast 3 months between my trips..and nothing to worry about HPPD it is Great..and u are enjoying the trip again :) i still have some flashbacks in the night and i love them…
FIRST OF ALL BEFORE giving a feedback on your Trip i want to say Everyone out there will not comperehend your Trip, what u had gone through, what u had feel, understand your Trip completely is like a Blind man can understand what colours are , which is not possible, unless we go through the same expereince , what can,t even comprehend what u had gone through, its too subjective and infalliable..Brother i am unable to understand other aspects of your expereince and i will not understand and nor can give feedback on them , till i will expreince my self 4- Aco -Dmt or the same expereince by other means, but i can relate your experience with those who had acheived the same states of consciousness.
u start to loose your Identity, as u had mentioned…… I start to lose all sense of identity, I can’t remember my name, I can’t recognize anything, everything seems devoid of any sense. I start to freak out, as insanity is something that I’m quite scared of, I often wonder about my own sanity compared to others but well what’s the point in comparing different human beings ? Still. I feel the insanity, I feel it so much it’s hard to process information in a logical way…….same thing happened with Great Mystics all over the world, same sort of expereince…POET TENNYSON Wrote ” ALL AT ONCE ,AS IT WERE OUT OF THE INTENSITY OF THE CONSCIOUSNESS OF INDIVIDUALITY , INDIVIDUALITY ITSELF SEEMED TO DISSOLVED AND FADE AWAY INTO BOUNDLESSBEING….THE LOSS OF PERSONALITY, IF SUCH IT WERE ,SEEMING NO EXTINCTION BUT THE ONLY TRUE LIFE ” and what u called feeling of going insane or bad trip, is actually the process of enlightenment , Truth is sour, Truth is harsh as well as beautiful, when we broke our normal cycle and patterns and see the Truth, it is a bit sourful and difficult to handle it but in the end it is enlightening…its just like Plato allegary of cave, when prisoners from cave go into sunshine first it was hurtful and pain, but than it was Liberation and Enlightenment from cave and darkness into Light and Wisdom.
what u had acheived brother is introvertive mystic state, and there is some stuff called Mystic Psychosis also, so Mystics when they began to loose there identity and ego,they expererience some kind of Psychosis, there is lose of touch with normal Reality, i don,t know much about it but some had even theorize that Nirvana is an Schizophrenic state, u had mentioned that…It was still hard to comprehend a thing since letters would not stay still and were moving like they didn’t want me to understand but I could talk some little sense into myself. . I had to relearn how to think, how to understand letters, words and language (my mothertongue is french but most of the things I read are in english, both languages didn’t make any sense).
In Mystic consciousness words, concepts cease to exist, they don,t make sense..so u was feeling that brother, not insnaity, wow…completely loosing your identity, ego is part of mystic experience, in SUFISM they called in FANNA a technical term for Ego Death..such phrases as meling away, passing away and fading away, are found in the mystical literature of Islam, christianity ,Hinduism and Buddhism…..so brother u had acheived a beautiful state of consciousness and i am sure u had learn a lot from it, in your life , ther is nothing religious about Mystical experince, but it is clothed with the religious background of the person, so a Hidu will call his expereince as unity with Brahman, Buddhist will call it Nirvana, Judaism will call it merging into god head, and we Atheist expereince ego death through Psychdelics and consider it as beautiful, the main thing is the comprehension of UNITY…that U and I are not different, we all are one, because sepratness is the root cause of evil, throgh such kind of experience as of your brother on 4-aco-dmt Universal love flows for all Humanity and living beings which is the essence of Mysticism .
HATTS OFF TO U
i am glad to know about your experience and i am sure u had gained a lot in life through this Experience and i wish u all the best for your future Trips.
One day i will surely buy 4 -aco-Dmt.
Take care Brother
@saikoubambino, Awesome trip bro! I have had a taste of the insanity when I had 6 grams of shrooms my first time tripping. I literally felt insane. And I could still remember my identity. I can not even imagine what you must have gone through!
@saikoubambino, Interesting. The devil making a deal with you is very interesting. So interesting. What do you think would have happened if you would have had a child and kept the deal? :)
Once upon a DMT trip, 3 gods asked if I wanted to see what it all meant. I said yes. They showed me. All of existence lost meaning, nothing was worth it. Existence ceased to be worthwhile, from what they showed me.
Then, they said. “Do you want to forget?” I said “Yes, please, send me back so that I forget.”
And I forgot.
Your devil deal reminded me of that.
@ijesuschrist, Well maybe I would be cursed or something for not keeping the deal but during the trip I thought “Really ? It’s just words. It’s just words we exchanged, I can’t be bound by them, only actions matters”. Then again it’s a good thing that Devil brought that deal, I often fear it would be such a waste not to have children.
Woah your DMT experience sounds great. I read about that kind of things happening, like the truth is to much to handle and we want to go back to “not knowing that much”.
How did you deal with all that info after the trip ?
@justinpierce, That feeling of insanity is kind of scary, yet I consider it somehow a blessing, it’s hard to put it into words, I hope i’m not too shallow.
@lsdlover, I’m getting back to you via email brother.
@saikoubambino, so you met the goblins as well. Did they say anything?
Thank you for sharing. I had a very similar trip/several trips on mushrooms and LSD. Didn’t go through with it like you did, was left a wreck afterwards. Three years of getting better, and I’ve just recently learned what you did on that ride. Not words, actions. Not later, now. Kudos, man.
@jcassper, for me the goblins were at first a sort of “guide”… it was this way for months: every time I tripped, they’d appear and show me new and interesting things, sort of like showing me the limits of my understanding. They were quite friendly and showed a brilliant sense of humor. They rarely spoke in language, but did sometimes.
When the bad trip happened, they first “showed me” how I was being greedy and that greed is the cause of all the problems on earth. Then they proceeded to show me horrible visions, turning into demonic insects and eating my insides, turning into demons with torture devices, grinning in a terrifying manner… Stuff like this. After this they appeared on the subsequent trips as well, and didn’t show any of the likeability they had earlier. They called me stupid, with eyes glowing red, and reminded me that I was to bring about the end of the world, causing obvious panic on all the trips. This even repeated on LSD, even though I figured they couldn’t “skip substances”, if you know what I mean…
After I quit tripping, they’d appear sometimes when just smoking weed. When I quit smoking weed, they’d appear when I was going to bed (hypnagogic hallucinations) and in my dreams. It felt quite like being possessed.
Eventually I got help from a shaman. I haven’t seen the goblins after that, but do still “hear voices”, or rather, have thoughts I don’t identify with. This could be due to meditation as well.
It’s weird. Terence McKenna talked about these little green men he’d encounter on trips. He’d coax them out with the phrase “come on out, little green men”. I first saw the goblins (they were green for the longest time, until the bad trip) by deciding to imitate McKenna, to see if they were an “objective thing” outside of one’s own imagination. I’m still not quite sure about that.
Most people also see the ant/mantis-creatures on trips. Those were another “meme” I’d encounter on mushrooms.
Bizarre, huh. :D
Holy man, intense trip! I can relate though, after a spiritual awakening I went through a pretty brutal dark night of the soul. The insanity and darkness usually peaked at night when I was alone. It was a very foreign and hopeless place. Void of any love I felt completely disconnected from everything. Months and months it went on for, but I have passed through most of it.
Spirituality and mysticism will test every fiber of your being. Growth isn’t supposed to be comfortable haha.