I’ve always had a very weak ego (I guess?) I was born pretty ill, and was in an incubator for 2 weeks before anything really (including touching another human) In my early teens, I’d change who I was as a person almost weekly, almost like putting on different personalities regularly. This wasn’t just in my head, people really noticed, and I remember people commenting on how much I changed, etc often.
Anyway, as I grew up, I sort of developed a more stable ego, but I grew to hate myself more and more, due to having the piss taken out of me at my job, college, and to and from school (I’d get random people shouting at me, nicknames, etc, childish stupid stuff, but it got to me). Anyway, that made me hate myself a fair bit. Then, I smoked a huge amount of weed over a year or so, with friends and on my own. I started to have next to no idea of who I was. I then tried MDMA at a party, and had this absolutely incredible experience where it felt like my true genuine self had come out. I’d never ever talked to girls before, but that night, I got myself my girlfriend, who’s still with me to this day.
Also, I suspect that this meditation I used to do daily ages ago (and still do a bit now and then now) triggered the ego death a bit.
Anyway, at the moment, I’m pretty fucked, I have next to no ego, and almost every day I cycle through at least 2 ideas of who I am, it feels like I’m just grasping onto new egos all the time. It’s caused a huge amount of pain for me, and I’ve lost a huge amount of friends as they all think I’ve gone odd etc. It’s also caused this really horrible sensation that persists all day, but is stronger in the middle of the day (generally) and way stronger if I’m under stress. I got that diagnosed as depersonalisation, it just feels like being really stoned, or really far away.
So, my life is pretty horrible at the moment, does anyone have any suggestions of where I should go from here? I’d really appreciate it, since I’ve spent a huge amount of money on therapy etc, and gotten not far. Thanks!
Sorry if this isnt the way things are posted here by the way, I’ve only been on this site a few times before!
“I’m pretty fucked, I have next to no ego,”
Well that’s a pretty big contradiction right there. You know what they say, “no ego, no problem.” If it’s a problem, that’s the ego right there. Stop looking at yourself in terms of having or not having an ego. That’s just a label, and many people turn it into something where they can feel really extra special about themselves for being different than everyone else because they’ve transcended their ego.
It sounds like your ego consists of you pretending like you don’t have a set ego/personality and switching from “ego to ego.” That right there is your set ego. If YOU keep on grasping onto new egos, then who are YOU? If you can separate yourself from these things you keep grasping onto, then what’s the problem? Why don’t you stop grasping for a solidified sense of self? Go into the unknown. It’s all up to you. That’s about as much as anyone can help you.
But I’d venture to guess that once your able to start just noticing all these different self concepts come up without identifying, you’ll feel much freer. Probably like how you felt on ecstasy, without the drug effects.
@catwall, I can relate to a lot of what you’ve said here. I was born with shit in my lungs and couldn’t breathe, was in an incubator for a week. I moved two different states before I was nine and my self-concept changed drastically from the different environments. Sometimes I just worshiped some other girl that was my friend as a child and felt like I needed to be exactly like her, like an extreme queen bee problem. I also started the whole “far away” feeling around 9 years old too. After becoming very weak psychologically and then reconnecting to myself, my opinion is we are defined by our thoughts about ourselves. You don’t need to search for an identity. You’ve got a body and a mind. That is the only template we’re stuck with. It’s the outward expression of what’s inside a person that comes across as their unique self. I would try to think of your problem in terms of having your self-expression blocked. Think of your life as art.
Also, the “far away” feeling is really quite understandable when you consider how disconnected most people are from themselves and if you are someone that perceives that from your environment intuitively, you’re going to feel like shit trying to participate without a real authentic purpose.
Alsooo don’t waste time feeling ashamed that you’re “friends” are gone. They were lame.
well, also we’re defined more by our actions bu they are inspired by our thoughts.
Thanks so much to everyone for replying, I’ve tried explaining stuff to other forums online before, but their answers always seem to be “eat better, more exercise” which is great, but not very helpful, I already eat well, and do loads of exercise.
@anjelica The reason I was in an incubator was because of crap in my lungs as well, I hadn’t really thought about it as a cause for anything, until a therapist I had mentioned it. I remember feeling like I was watching the world through a TV screen when I was pretty young, maybe 9 or 10. It was like I had a sense of observing my sense of sight, not like I was actually seeing, and that’s basically how I still feel day to day, more or less. I also had and still have a problem of totally idealizing people and trying to change myself to be like them (because of a weak ego I think), and then when I find a flaw in them it ruins the whole thing, and makes me hate them, I must be pretty difficult to be around. What do you mean by an authentic purpose by the way, is it like you just being authentic and not acted?
@ruby Thanks for the suggestions, I had a look at EFT and it definitely helped me not feel quite as crap about it. Would the hypnosis be self hypnosis, and what sort of stuff would it be?
@iflipvans Yeah, could you explain them to me? Thanks so much :)
Thanks so much to everyone for giving time to reply, you honestly have no clue how much I appreciate it :)
The hypnosis could be anything you want, your a blank canvas :)
You could try it for boosting confidence, reduce anxiety or increase happiness. Keep going with the EFT, tap on a point when your feeling negative.
You might like this guy ^
@catwall, I do believe birth experience is a defining factor of our natural disposition, but life is full of trauma so it’s okay. There is value in your ability to change yourself often. It shows a level of non-attachment and creative freedom that could bring you joy if you start thinking about it as a tool for deciding your own character and not as a defense mechanism for a lost soul. Your description of observing your own eyesight and seeing things through a TV screen resonates with me a lot. But unique perspectives are valuable because they bring unique knowledge and abilities. Like @iflipvans said the functions of chakras 3 and 5 can be strengthened because they relate specifically to self-direction. Chakra 3 is about processing your environment and acting on it in an empowered way, meaning with a healthy amount of force and confidence. Chakra 5 is about your communication of all that you feel, desire, love, are inspired by, etc.
I only share so much because I feel like I went through a lot of the pain you’re talking about. This is a quote form Helena Bonham Carter that is a good description of chakra 5, or individuality, ego, whatever you want to call it.
“I think everything in life is art. What you do. How you dress. The way you love someone, and how you talk. Your smile and your personality. What you believe in, and all your dreams. The way you drink your tea. How you decorate your home. Or party. Your grocery list. The food you make. How your writing looks. And the way you feel. Life is art.”
When I say being “authentic” I mean doing things just because you want to do them and not because you are trying to avoid negative judgements from others.
@catwall, When you’re born and you go straight to your mother’s arms and have a smooth transition from womb to air, you get a firm idea of where you belong to and what that feels like. Chakra 1 concepts like your connection to the Earth and materialistic world which most of us get from our identification with our families could be lost in birth trauma. The ether that a baby’s mind is used to resting in is phased out when you get the physical connection but sitting in an incubator for a week or two with no connection to the outside world could create an “unnatural ” way of perceiving the world. You’re also missing the sensual connection of being touched in chakra 2.
If you don’t know chakra theory, it is the study of energy centers within a human body that govern different physiological and psychological processes. http://handsonhealer.webs.com/chakras.jpg
okay I’ll stop now :D
I have no idea if my suggestions are suitable for you but I suggest you try EFT, youtube/google it. My next suggestion would be to also try hypnosis. Im a big fan of EFT which is short for emotional freedom technique/tapping and hypnosis. I use these tools to help deal with my issues and it helps. Dont expect one tool/technique to completely fix a problem, most of the time you need a variety of tools to deal an issue.
Also focus on your morals. What gets you angry? Seeing helpless people/animals hurt? Witnessing an injustice? Global destruction? Passive aggressive people?
When something makes you angry embrace that feeling and imagine what you would say, if you can summon the courage then say it. Basing your personality around strong morals is a good foundation.
@catwall, I have a low ego as well. What I’m doing to work on it is meditating on my solar plexus and my throat chakras and attempting to open them while socializing with people and being more assertive. I have good chakra meditations I’ve learned from certain peoples and even some I made myself, if you would like to know any.
@catwall, Sure no problem. My favorite chakra meditation has been visualizing plant life in a meadow. Each stage of the meadow will have one of the 7 main colors of the chakras. Start with violet, and move all the way down to red, like in the photo posted. With each color you come across, stare at the plant of that color and watch it as it opens or stays closed. After going through each chakra and seeing how open they are, without forcing opening and taking note as to which ones are strong and which ones are weak, figure out ways you can open them in your everyday life to open them without structured meditation. (I.E. If you are working on your Heart Chakra then try to show more empathy and compassion towards others) After working on them in day to day life, return to the meadow often to see how your chakra plant life acts.
Here’s a good site for studying chakras… http://wingmakers.co.nz/Chakras.html
Thanks so much for all these in depth replies everyone. I’ve been through a lot of really agonizingly hard times, and when I feel ok, I tend to not believe any of them really happened, or not really feel connected to them, like I’m a different person to the person they happened to. This has made it impossible to talk about to people (I tried the NHS ages ago, when I had no idea what was going on and was pretty suicidal, but I couldn’t really explain, only imagine what was going on, it was pretty hard to put into words)
I think a lot of this was brought out because of these panic attacks I used to have when smoking weed, I was sick once just from panic, I wouldn’t be surprised if that had shaken my mind up a bit, and caused me to feel really disconnected from myself (or ego)
So, with the meadow visualization, how would you do it with no knowledge of chakras? All the plants would be flowers right (so they could open up), but how do you make it actually mean something rather than just be an image in your imagination? And what do you mean with stages of the meadow? Just like bands of colours of plants?
Also could you recommend any ways to understand/feel your chakras, rather than just reading about them intellectually? Of course I’ll have a look at that site.
Thanks so much again!
@catwall, it is ridiculously ludicrous the extent to which I relate to you. I uaed to/still do change a lot. I used to idealise people, try to be like them as well, just one after the other. I feel like it happened to someone else as well. I tried for so long to hold on, but I was holding onto the effects of the moment, I couldn’t feel whole again. I still can’t feel it. The thing is, not long after I somehow endured the worst depression of my life. I couldn’t taste food, I couldn’t hear music, and prior to this, music ruled my life. I used to smoke a pack a day, would get out of bed to smoke one a day, and that was just so I could convince myself somehow that it’s not all bad. I felt nothing, except pain. My entire thinking changed. I truly believed I was an invalid, a non entity, I didn’t even exist anymore. If I did something, it was insignificant, it had no consequence. If another did it, it was significant. I could comprehend nothing, absolutely nothing. I went into a cafe and qas so nervous bc I didnt know how to order. I always felt I was in the way and I was so sorry. Anyway, I could go on and on.
I feel the depersonalisation too. I feel so distant from things.
I’m still recovering from the depression. So I don’t know what the hell I could tell you. It’s such a pain. People always laughing at me, cause I’ve got gaps in, u memory, still. My head is so spacey, it’s difficult to hold onto any kind of info. It’s still hard to see how anything matters. Its do damn hard! I think cause jm doung it alone, no one understands, no one can help. Its just too much sometimes. I know im rambling, but for some reason, I have this feeling you’ll understand what I’m saying.
And the dersonalisation is a drag. It’s like you’re never there. Does it affect your decision making? You never know what *you* want, cause you’re not even there, man. You’re there, but it’s not you. Ah, forget it! Ya know what I mean!
I just think to myself, the simplest of things that people don’t need to worry about occupies so much of my time/energy, and I want to curse the gods for this injustice! Who is responsible, and where is the cure! I feel I’m so far gone already.
If you find something which truly works, let me know. I’ve had enough of this shit.
Hi, sorry for the late reply, I’ve been out of the house for a bit.
The stuff you’ve said all could have been said by me, it’s crazy how much I can relate to all that stuff. My life is a blur really, my mind feels really muddy most of the time. I can’t really give you any truly amazing advice else I wouldn’t be like I am, but I know how unbearable the suffering is, so here’s a few things that make it a bit easier:
There’s a book called “The transparency of things” by Rupert Spira, it’s really deep sort of stuff, but if you read it when you feel a bit more yourself it helps a lot with the panic stuff I find. Also, try not to smoke weed (if you do) When you feel out of it and panicky, it sort of keeps you there. There’s a series of videos by a guy called Harris Harrington that help with the feeling really far away aspect, they’re really helpful. I pirated them, and watched them all, did all the exercises and stuff and they help a little bit.
I find that I have lots of “personalities” I switch between, sort of different ideas about who I am (so egos), and when I’m in one, memories that I’ve been in that one in will be easier to remember.
I’m so sorry to hear you’re going through the same as me, I know exactly how horrible it is, and how you can’t even really tell anyone about it properly (I’ve tried, it never really sounds genuine). You sound like a really similar person to me by the way you’ve written stuff, you sound like you had a lot of potential. I dunno, maybe I’m just saying words, but I find most of the stuff I write/say is mostly not really me, and if I try and identify myself with it it panics me how much of a different person I come across as to who I am. I hate how hard it is to just be genuine, everything feels like an act, and I hate how crap it’s made my memory, I feel like I’ve got no narrative in my life, everything’s just disjointed disorientating events.
@catwall, So each of the main 7 chakras have different sets of properties. The crown is the 7th main chakra a.k.a. GOD’s head(violet). It deals with connections with higher power and spirits. Looking at the picture @anjelica, posted, in the meadow meditation you walk into wildlife (flowers, plants, trees, etc.) starting with the color violet and ending with red (from top to bottom). When you first walk in visualize indigo flowers and walk up to one. Don’t touch the flower just know that it represents the 6th chakra, the mind’s eye. Good for intuition and other 6th sense abilities. Watch the flower as it sways in the wind. Closely watch to see if it grows in any way and notice what you feel as it opens. If it doesn’t open or stops opening after a while stop. Don’t force opening and just move on to the next color. After indigo is blue which is the throat chakra that represents communication and what you display when speaking and abilities of hearing as well as telepathy. Green represents your heart in the figurative and physical sense. It is your source of compassion as well as your upper respiratory system. Yellow is your solar plexus and it represents your ego and personal power energy. Orange is the sexual chakra dedicated to strong emotions and sexual energy. Red is the root, grounding and connectivity to the Earth are keys in it.
Remember. After watching one flower of a certain color notice what you feel when you see the color and it’s open and take note of what emotions you have during the meditation. Do not force opening of any color. Watch the flower as it grows and see what shapes will come from it. Once it stops growing move to the next color and watch that one as it moves and grows.
Having a low ego will result from yellow and blue not being open or only just a little bit open. That was my issue so I’ve been meditating on it and planting flowers in my root chakra.
For someone without an ego you sure like to say “I.”
An ego that changes identity frequently, is still an ego. If you really experienced ego death, you would be like the dirt on the earth: no care, no love, no hate, no “I,” no experience… just nothing, one with the universe and essentially inseparable.
Just a thought.